This article seems useful

[Cainad (dec.)]

I can see why Cracked writers, and Wong in particular, are magnets for the "poor me I'm just trying to do my thing how come it never works out" type.  What those people don't get, and what this article points out beautifully, is that in spite of all their self deprecating humor, the writers for the site are considered good enough at what they do to get paid to do it, if not make a living from it entirely.

Yeah. And, as he points out, not because they're somehow magically just "gifted" with writing skills. People may have a higher level of aptitude for some things, but skills aren't gifted, they're learned. Through work and practice.

I often point out to new glassworkers that I did not start out particularly good at beadmaking. I didn't have a natural aptitude at all. I took to it like a duck to water, assuming the duck has no legs. But I really loved doing it, so I worked and worked and worked and practiced so much that I got really, really good at it. And I'm STILL not as good at certain aspects of it as others who have been doing it for a fraction of the time, but I'm good enough. And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of glass chemistry and reactions, and can 99% of the time tell by looking exactly how something was made... that's from studying.

People don't like to hear that. People want to think that skills just get handed out, and one day maybe they'll wake up and find out that they're just naturally really good at something.

Doesn't happen.

That's been the biggest, slowest, most frustrating part of my growth from "precocious youth" into "adult."

When I was little, I was praised for being smart. And, I still think, for my age, I was smart as fuck (the result of the upbringing and solid genes of two well-educated parents). Tons of things that were considered difficult for my age presented little challenge to me, and the praise was heaped on for my natural aptitude.

This is tangenting off-topic, but you all remember that study (studies?) which demonstrate that kids perform better when they are praised for working hard rather than for "being smart"? I find that study rings true, because I fell on the other end of that outcome. Things which I very much wanted to be good at, but which didn't come naturally to me, turned me off almost immediately. When I had to work my ass off to accomplish something, I didn't (and usually still don't) feel a sense of achievement; I feel like a dumbass for not being better at it ('If I was just smarter, that would have been easy!').

It's a stupid and counterproductive mentality, but it's the programming that is wired up to my dopamine valves.

Sita, do you really feel that you don't do anything, or do you just not feel that you're recognized for being who you are?

Unless chores around the house count? Because washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping and vacuuming don't seem to get done by anyone else (which makes the place look worse than a bachelor pad when I'm having an 'off' period). But in my mind that's not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah?  What happens if nobody does those things?

Being a homemaker is a full time job.  It's fucking hard work.  I count myself lucky that all *I* have to do is work in a chemical plant, instead of picking up after a bunch of people that I'm not allowed to kill.

This x1000. The notion that all the work involved in homekeeping is "baseline," that it "doesn't count as work" probably has its roots in our culture's neverending efforts to keep women constantly fighting for their sense of self-worth.

[Sita]

Sita, do you really feel that you don't do anything, or do you just not feel that you're recognized for being who you are?

Unless chores around the house count? Because washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping and vacuuming don't seem to get done by anyone else (which makes the place look worse than a bachelor pad when I'm having an 'off' period). But in my mind that's not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah?  What happens if nobody does those things?

Being a homemaker is a full time job.  It's fucking hard work.  I count myself lucky that all *I* have to do is work in a chemical plant, instead of picking up after a bunch of people that I'm not allowed to kill.

Laundry is the only thing that isn't slacked on. But no one but me seems to care about the floors (expect the bathroom, and that's only because of the cat litter that gets on the floor) and dishes will just be moved around when space is needed. If someone really needs to use something it'll get washed. All the while gently reminding me that they need to get done.
I think my longest off period was a month. Spent an entire day getting caught up with just the dishes once I finally snapped out of it and found mold growing in some containers.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Sita, do you really feel that you don't do anything, or do you just not feel that you're recognized for being who you are?

Unless chores around the house count? Because washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping and vacuuming don't seem to get done by anyone else (which makes the place look worse than a bachelor pad when I'm having an 'off' period). But in my mind that's not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah?  What happens if nobody does those things?

Being a homemaker is a full time job.  It's fucking hard work.  I count myself lucky that all *I* have to do is work in a chemical plant, instead of picking up after a bunch of people that I'm not allowed to kill.

Laundry is the only thing that isn't slacked on. But no one but me seems to care about the floors (expect the bathroom, and that's only because of the cat litter that gets on the floor) and dishes will just be moved around when space is needed. If someone really needs to use something it'll get washed. All the while gently reminding me that they need to get done.
I think my longest off period was a month. Spent an entire day getting caught up with just the dishes once I finally snapped out of it and found mold growing in some containers.

Why are you stuck doing it?

[Elder Iptuous]

Cainad, i had pretty much the same bad wiring hooked up.  trying to correct that with my kiddos is very gratifying.

[Sita]

Sita, do you really feel that you don't do anything, or do you just not feel that you're recognized for being who you are?

Unless chores around the house count? Because washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping and vacuuming don't seem to get done by anyone else (which makes the place look worse than a bachelor pad when I'm having an 'off' period). But in my mind that's not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah?  What happens if nobody does those things?

Being a homemaker is a full time job.  It's fucking hard work.  I count myself lucky that all *I* have to do is work in a chemical plant, instead of picking up after a bunch of people that I'm not allowed to kill.

Laundry is the only thing that isn't slacked on. But no one but me seems to care about the floors (expect the bathroom, and that's only because of the cat litter that gets on the floor) and dishes will just be moved around when space is needed. If someone really needs to use something it'll get washed. All the while gently reminding me that they need to get done.
I think my longest off period was a month. Spent an entire day getting caught up with just the dishes once I finally snapped out of it and found mold growing in some containers.

Why are you stuck doing it?

Because I'm home all day

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Sita, do you really feel that you don't do anything, or do you just not feel that you're recognized for being who you are?

Unless chores around the house count? Because washing dishes, doing laundry, mopping and vacuuming don't seem to get done by anyone else (which makes the place look worse than a bachelor pad when I'm having an 'off' period). But in my mind that's not really doing anything.

Oh, yeah?  What happens if nobody does those things?

Being a homemaker is a full time job.  It's fucking hard work.  I count myself lucky that all *I* have to do is work in a chemical plant, instead of picking up after a bunch of people that I'm not allowed to kill.

Laundry is the only thing that isn't slacked on. But no one but me seems to care about the floors (expect the bathroom, and that's only because of the cat litter that gets on the floor) and dishes will just be moved around when space is needed. If someone really needs to use something it'll get washed. All the while gently reminding me that they need to get done.
I think my longest off period was a month. Spent an entire day getting caught up with just the dishes once I finally snapped out of it and found mold growing in some containers.

Why are you stuck doing it?

Because I'm home all day

Doesn't make you a slave.  Lay the law down.

WHAT IS THE LAW?

THE LAW IS THAT WE RINSE OUR DISHES.

WHAT IS THE LAW?

THE LAW IS THAT WE DON'T DROP A BOMB IN THE TOILET AND JUST WALK AWAY.

WHAT IS THE LAW?

THE LAW IS THAT WE CLEAN UP OUR OWN MESS.


Yeah, sure, someone's got to do the basics, but that doesn't give everyone else license to be fucking slobs.

[LMNO]

House work is a fucking battle.  That shit is BURTAL.  Which is kind of like BRUTAL, but worse, because BURT is involved.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Great, now I'm crying and depressed.
Always nice to be reminded how worthless I am.

Why do you feel so helpless over your own life? You can't ever have total control, but you can change yourself.

BTW, one of the things on my "five impressive things about me" list is "Raised three relatively well-adjusted children" and another is "Amazing cook".

If someone isn't impressed by that, fuck 'em!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I can see why Cracked writers, and Wong in particular, are magnets for the "poor me I'm just trying to do my thing how come it never works out" type.  What those people don't get, and what this article points out beautifully, is that in spite of all their self deprecating humor, the writers for the site are considered good enough at what they do to get paid to do it, if not make a living from it entirely.

Yeah. And, as he points out, not because they're somehow magically just "gifted" with writing skills. People may have a higher level of aptitude for some things, but skills aren't gifted, they're learned. Through work and practice.

I often point out to new glassworkers that I did not start out particularly good at beadmaking. I didn't have a natural aptitude at all. I took to it like a duck to water, assuming the duck has no legs. But I really loved doing it, so I worked and worked and worked and practiced so much that I got really, really good at it. And I'm STILL not as good at certain aspects of it as others who have been doing it for a fraction of the time, but I'm good enough. And I have an encyclopedic knowledge of glass chemistry and reactions, and can 99% of the time tell by looking exactly how something was made... that's from studying.

People don't like to hear that. People want to think that skills just get handed out, and one day maybe they'll wake up and find out that they're just naturally really good at something.

Doesn't happen.

That's been the biggest, slowest, most frustrating part of my growth from "precocious youth" into "adult."

When I was little, I was praised for being smart. And, I still think, for my age, I was smart as fuck (the result of the upbringing and solid genes of two well-educated parents). Tons of things that were considered difficult for my age presented little challenge to me, and the praise was heaped on for my natural aptitude.

This is tangenting off-topic, but you all remember that study (studies?) which demonstrate that kids perform better when they are praised for working hard rather than for "being smart"? I find that study rings true, because I fell on the other end of that outcome. Things which I very much wanted to be good at, but which didn't come naturally to me, turned me off almost immediately. When I had to work my ass off to accomplish something, I didn't (and usually still don't) feel a sense of achievement; I feel like a dumbass for not being better at it ('If I was just smarter, that would have been easy!').

It's a stupid and counterproductive mentality, but it's the programming that is wired up to my dopamine valves.

Yep, it's a killer. I've known a lot of smart kids, and I WAS a smart kid, but when you're an adult being smart and two dollars will get you a cup of coffee. I've seen a ton of those smart kids grow up and find themselves functionally stranded in mediocrity, because being smart did absolutely nothing to prepare them for life or for doing things they want to do.

You know what's the craziest thing? My son has had terrible grades since second grade. Everyone always tells him how incredibly smart he is and how he just needs to try. I told him two things a couple of months ago: that being smart wasn't going to make anything easier for him and it might make things harder, and that it's totally OK to half-ass schoolwork he's not into as long as he works really hard on the schoolwork he is into. I said "Son, it's better to half-ass it and turn SOMETHING in than to not turn anything in at all". (Sorry, I know it's probably not cool to tell your kids to just go ahead and half-ass things, but I know me and I know my son, and I know that performance anxiety is a real bitch). Since then his math and science grades have shot up and he's gone from failing EVERYTHING to getting A's in science, math, and applied science, and C's in everything else.

I think that being told that being SMART won't make things EASY is absolutely essential for kids. And it might, indeed, make many things harder.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Just finally got a look at it.

I like the Glengarry Ross touch.  I forgot how fucked up that clip is.

I also think he slightly overstates the case, but he's dead nuts on, on the last item.

[Sita]

Great, now I'm crying and depressed.
Always nice to be reminded how worthless I am.

Why do you feel so helpless over your own life? You can't ever have total control, but you can change yourself.

BTW, one of the things on my "five impressive things about me" list is "Raised three relatively well-adjusted children" and another is "Amazing cook".

If someone isn't impressed by that, fuck 'em!

Because every time I try to change, something comes along and says that's not going to happen. Every. Single. Time.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Great, now I'm crying and depressed.
Always nice to be reminded how worthless I am.

Why do you feel so helpless over your own life? You can't ever have total control, but you can change yourself.

BTW, one of the things on my "five impressive things about me" list is "Raised three relatively well-adjusted children" and another is "Amazing cook".

If someone isn't impressed by that, fuck 'em!

Because every time I try to change, something comes along and says that's not going to happen. Every. Single. Time.

And what's that something?

[Sita]

Great, now I'm crying and depressed.
Always nice to be reminded how worthless I am.

Why do you feel so helpless over your own life? You can't ever have total control, but you can change yourself.

BTW, one of the things on my "five impressive things about me" list is "Raised three relatively well-adjusted children" and another is "Amazing cook".

If someone isn't impressed by that, fuck 'em!

Because every time I try to change, something comes along and says that's not going to happen. Every. Single. Time.

And what's that something?

Depends on what I'm trying to change.
Eating habits? Something happens and we are forced eating junk food for a month
Losing weight? Some physical ailment always happens, whether it's leg cramps preventing me from swimming or now the pains I get from walking. I've even had happen that I sprained my ankle almost immediately after I said that I was gonna start something the next day.
Improve my mood? Something happens that makes the stress level rise (can't think of specifics right now, getting a bit tired)

And every single instance makes me say forget about it all. Because I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

[Dildo Argentino]

Predictably, I am going to disagree.

I think that contempt and anger are worthwhile, even necessary places to visit every now and then, but compassion, conviviality and, above all, playful curiosity are better places to live. I think the closer I am to someone, the more valuable a relationship is, the more I know someone, the more leeway I am willing to give them. (This is actually demonstrated very clearly ITT, in the responses to Sita.) But when I am judging a stranger or a mere acquaintance purely on what they DO, I try to keep in mind that this modus operandi is my choice, for my convenience: I could also choose to understand them better, and if I chose to do that, their reprehensible actions would acquire a background that, in all likelihood, will make those very actions less reprehensible.

Another way of making my point is this: I think the hard thing about accepting that Hitler was an evil human being, for instance, is not the part where I internalise that he was evil (that's really quite easy). It's accepting that he was also a human being. Not a monster from outer space, but a human being, born of a mother, once a fertilised egg resulting from sexual union, however perverted, once a wizened newborn, however damaged already. Having read Alice Miller's detailed investigation of Hitler's childhood in For Your Own Good has made this possible for me. It has also helped me to understand why he found such an eager and willing audience when he rose to power. I prefer this perspective.

Yet another way of making my point:

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

I like the part where he points out that it doesn't fucking matter "who you are inside", because people, rightly, judge you by what you actually DO.

This sentence has the logical form of "A because B". But A does not follow from B. It's like saying "People judge a car by whether it works or not, therefore it doesn't matter what's under the hood."

It is certainly true that apart from the couple of dozen people who know me really well, people don't judge me by what's inside me (essentially, by the way, what's inside is a history, and an always partial but hopefully improving reflexive understanding of that history): they indeed judge me by what I do. But that doesn't mean that it "doesn't fucking matter who I am on the inside". Quite the contrary. What I do, i.e. what people judge me by, depends almost exclusively on what there is inside me. This is called responsibility for my life, which I can choose to ignore, but that doesn't make it go away.

Nigel, you say this:

I do think that every person has an intrinsic human value. But above and beyond that, you are only as valuable as you make yourself.

I understand and sort of agree with the second sentence. But I would be very interested to hear how you understand the first one. What is the intrinsic human value of every person? What sort of thing is it?

Finally, I would like to offer a tentative judgment of the article's author, Jason Pargin, based purely on what he did: i.e. the fact that he wrote this article as a response to the many contacts he gets from twenty-something males who are dissatisfied with their lives and are at a loss as to why that is.

He strikes me as a rather creative privileged white male who is strongly status-seeking, and for whom the 'certain knowledge' (self-forged conviction) that he is a superior human being to most of the people he writes for and makes a living out of is rather more important than I find... tasteful. This makes me dislike him.

But I'm sure we would get along just fine if I knew him in person. 

[Dildo Argentino]

Because I just don't have the fight in me anymore.

As a certified bipolar person I suggest that replacing "anymore" with "right now" might be a good place to start. I know it's almost impossible, oh, how I know it... but it's true. Your current condition doesn't really predict your future condition. Even if you don't feel free right now, you are.