What Does Cain Do?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

STAINS.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN

GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN

GET THE STAINS OUT

WITH CAIN

I CAN'T

GET THE STAINS OUT
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T

GET THE STAINS WITH CAIN GET THE STAINS STAINS STAINS I CAN'T

GET RID OF THE STAINS.

Nigel's head seems like a slightly more run down neighborhood than even mine. 

[Pæs]

The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
(STAINS, STAINS)

I think he's got it! I think he's got it!

THE STAINS IN SPAIN CAN BE REMOVED WITH CAIN.

BY GEORGE HE'S GOT IT. BY GEORGE HE'S GOT IT.

Now, once again. What is Cain?

FOR THE STAINS.
FOR THE STAINS.

And what removes the stains?
(STAINS, STAINS)

ONLY CAIN, ONLY CAIN.

[Pæs]

AN EXCERPT FROM MY FEAR LADY.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

[Lenin McCarthy]

6 KAN YeaH i'z Aq now 2 tell ?
whatever you feel is appropriate. | i asume you refer to ode to cain
a simple refrain to drain the brain || at a tepmo whiTch |
makes your navel twitch | and more than that | a little brat
scream & scream | leave this scene !!!| (xx) bridge |
the rain in spain | is on the plane | or else it wets | the awsome cain

[Pæs]

hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?

[Eater of Clowns]

hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?

Well that's sufficiently PANTS SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING.

[EK WAFFLR]

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

6 KAN YeaH i'z Aq now 2 tell ?
whatever you feel is appropriate. | i asume you refer to ode to cain
a simple refrain to drain the brain || at a tepmo whiTch |
makes your navel twitch | and more than that | a little brat
scream & scream | leave this scene !!!| (xx) bridge |
the rain in spain | is on the plane | or else it wets | the awsome cain

OH

FUCK.

[Deepthroat Chopra]

I stood up for him once against someone who thought they'd take the piss. Only once. I hope that's enough, you know, to help me survive the coming days.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Cain does not save you.  He wouldn't if he could.  Cain does not make common household tasks easier.  Cain does not help you find restaurants in your area.  Cain does not make technology, or even make it better.  Cain will not help you get to sleep the night before your big presentation. 

Cain doesn't freshen the air in your bathroom.  Nor does he keep your computer running at its optimum speed.  He doesn't make your taxes any easier, or help you organize your correspondence.

So what does Cain do?

Cain helps you understand the world of today, so you can scream in your sleep all night.  Cain tells you what the men with important eyebrows are REALLY saying when they jabber at you from the podium.  Cain explains WHY you're fucked, and WHO did it.  Then Cain goes full potato on your ass, fucks off with your bottle and your best girl, while you try to pick your teeth up off the floor.

How much would you pay for that kind of service?  $100/month?  $200/month? 

Don't answer yet!

Because alongside his patented teef removal technology, Cain will ALSO tell you which of your cherished conspiracy theories are absolute rubbish!  And even some of your not-so-conspiracy theories.  All within 24 hours of you, the consumer, shooting off your big fat fucking mouth!

NOW how much would you pay?

Again, DON'T ANSWER YET!

After ALL OF THAT, there's STILL MORE!  Cain will roofie your drinks and shop you out to rough trade, and you'll THANK HIM FOR IT.  He'll use you for a dartboard, knock up your mom and your auntie, and wreck your fucking car in the living room of your house.

How much will you pay?

Well, it's hard to put it in terms of money.  Think of it more as indentured servitude, only instead of learning a job, you just learn how to feel PAIN.

That's how much you'll pay.

Call now.  Supplies aren't limited, but time is.  Oh yes.

SEND ME A CASE OF CAINS. I NEED TO GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH.

[Lenin McCarthy]

hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?

There is only one explanation: hirley0 exists outside of spacetime, or he has access to a powerful time machine. (well, that was two)