Still yet ANOTHER Godforsaken set of PM responses

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Usual rules.

1.  Dear Outraged LGBT Person:

Despite what you may have heard on Facebook, I do not endorse the notion of hunting transvestites down in the streets like dogs.  Facebook is a vast collection of lies and useless busy-bodies who have nothing better to do all day than spread shit like this around.  No, it is my opinion that your choices are irrelevant to me.  They do not harm me, and I don't think anyone should be persecuted for things that don't harm anyone.


#2 is a reply to the immediate response given to #1 by the aggrieved person in question.


2.  Dear Increasingly Irate LGBT Person:

Yes, I did in fact say "irrelevant".  While my own daughter may be LGBT, I do not consider how SHE feels toward gender, orientation, etc to be relevant.  She's my daughter, and that's all that matters to me.  You, on the other hand, are some weird online "activist" whom I have never met and do not give a damn about. 

In regard to me being "part of the problem"  due to my refusal to celebrate your specialness, you are hereby invited to shit in your hat, on account of I don't care about the opinion of someone who worries more about the apathetic than, say, Rick Santorum.

What folks like you don't realize is that fanatics are boring, and a fanatic is what you are.  You talk about nothing other than The Cause...And that turns people off; not The Cause, but the fact that The Cause is all you are.  Who wants to chat with a one-topic zealot?  Not me.  Good day.


3.  Dear Comlicated Little Monkey,

So you have decided, looking around the board, that we are both un-Christian and un-American.  This is partially true; not everyone here is a Christian, and many of our members are not Americans at all.  They live in small places outside of America, and though it may be hard for patriots like you & I to understand, they do not look to America for moral guidance.

Why this is, is a mystery.  Everyone knows that America is a shining beacon of freedom, at least to, you know, Quality People.  You and I both know that the complaints of fags, smudgy people, the destitute, and illegal aliens don't actually count, but there's no telling these savages that.  They walk around INSISTING that Those People have the same rights as you and I - good Christian Americans - enjoy, which is patently not the case.  The founders insisted on them being 3/5ths of a person, so they should only get 3/5ths of the rights. 

Of course, this gets a little complicated when you dig into it a bit.  Someone who is, for example, half-Black and half white gets 4/5ths of the rights, and if that person is in the military, that number jumps to 4.5/5ths of the rights.  Conversely speaking, a person who is 1/4 Black, 1/4 Puerto Rican, 1/4 Native American, and 1/4 Hispanic should therefore only get 1/5th of the rights.

But which rights?  The last example gets only 2 amendments out of the bill of rights, but which 2 amendments?  I think giving them #3 and #10 is the safest bet, because they can't use those to abuse freedom of speech by saying things you and I don't like.  In the first example, it's easier to say which single amendment they don't get.  I suggest the first, as it covers the most ground.  And it keeps them from building their mosques all over our fair cities and imposing Sharia Law on our precious & shiny White Women.  THAT is the job of the Christian religion, in particular Leviticus & Timothy.

The only REAL question here, sir, is whether or not YOU have checked your geneology to make sure there aren't any foriegners or anything anywhere in your family tree...I'd hate to extend rights to you that you haven't earned.  That would be un-American as fuck, and I think you must agree that we can't have that.


4.  Dear Enthusiastic & Relentless Stalker,

Sorry, I can't help you.  Nigel controls me whenever she's around, and I am absolutely helpless to rebel against her mentally-imposed iron grip.  I want to FIGHT THE POWER, but when I start to type, she takes over by activating the mind parasites she implanted with the stray cat that used to hang around, and there I am, enforcing her evil will.  Help me.


5.  Dear Concerned in Tampa,

I have given your concerns a bit of thought, and have ultimately decided that no, I will not send my daughter to one of those straight camps.  Yes, I know it must have disturbed you when you saw me mention that she was LGBT without the suitable shocked & mourning tone.  Yes, I understand that you have views and strong beliefs on this subject.  What you don't seem to understand is that your views are, in my own view, utterly worthless. 

I often wonder about people like you, whose lives are so incredibly perfect that you have the time to worry about the lives of complete strangers.  It puts me in awe, the fact that you are SO concerned about the speck in my eye, because God knows there's no beam in yours.  Given your state of grace, I suggest you contact as many people as you can, in the manner in which you contacted me, until the entire world hates your stinking, busy-body guts as much as I do.  Love & kisses.


6.  Dear Tinfoil Helmet-Wearing Internet Person,

Shut up about the New World Order.  Where have you been?  They took over in 1945, when the other Nazis won the war.  Quit your bitching, you cretin...They don't CARE about you.  You aren't important.  They wouldn't waste the time to spy on you.  Go outside or something.  Talk to a girl.  Live your life.  You get a grand total of 80 years or so on this planet if you're LUCKY, and you're WASTING IT jabbering about shit like this.  Nobody cares.


7.  Dear Butthurt Facebook Discordian,

No, I did not set out to destroy Clutterbuck's project...Aw, who the hell am I trying to kid?  Of course I did.  I bullied everyone over it, and that's why hardly anyone took part in it.  Oddly enough, he doesn't seem to consider it ruined, based on the posts he made on Facebook.  What it sounds like to me is that he traveled around the world talking to people.  Not ALL THE PEOPLE, of course, because of some choices he made.  Those of us who chose not to participate didn't do SHIT to him, and we aren't actually REQUIRED to participate in this sort of thing.

Of course, you already knew that, but you needed a reason to FIGHT THE POWER, which is apparently me.  That being the case, I shall send you a hymnal, so you can sing me the song of my people, like every other half-wit that decides that I am the devil himself.


8.  Dear WTF,

Okay, this one is for the books.  No, I honestly don't think we are soulmates, and that we have reincarnated however many times to be together.  Also, judging from your pic, you're half my age, and I wouldn't be interested even if I wasn't married and, incidentally, 7000 miles away.

Go outside.  Go to the club.  Talk to some boys.  Meet someone.


9.  Dear <name of ex-regular redacted>,

Yes, I know I ruined Discordianism for everyone.  Not sorry.


10.  Dear Schizo,

No, LOBB isn't based on fact.  No, there is no Black Cardinal, and no, there is no supernatural activity - to my knowledge - occurring under Portland.  Tucson, though, that's a different story.  Dark cultists ride the subway all day long, chanting hymns to evil forces, and scaring the shit out of the other commuters.

And any "facts" regarding the lack of a Tucson subway system are an obvious & transparent cover up.

Look, asshole, it's just a piece of FICTION I am writing for a friend (and anyone else who wants to read it).  It's not "a glimpse into the occult world".  As far as I know, there IS NO OCCULT WORLD, outside of smelly hippies stinking up the local coffee shop.

I know you won't believe any of this, and that might be a good thing, because I could be lying to protect myself from retribution from said cultists.

Oh, shit.  Sorta set myself up there, didn't I?  Oh, well, too late now.

[Ben Shapiro]

I want to hug Roger.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Shit like this makes the Internet worthwhile.

[Cain]

In regards to 10, I'm just waiting for someone to try and get all post-structural on you and declare that authorial intent is irrelevant to literary analysis.

We haven't had a good postmodernist occultist in some time.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

All classic. I think I liked the one to the straight camp moron best. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I LIVE FOR THESE! 

Oh, man. The last one.  You know that occultards will be dissecting and analyzing LOBB for generations, right?

IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING. IT HAS TO. SIGILS!

[Sita]

Number 5 could've been written to a few members of my extended family

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

When Mercedes Lackey was writing the Diane Tregarde books she was getting so many letters about the stories being true and oh my god all that shit is really real!? They started sending her death threats when she decided to stop writing them because the books weren't actually selling.

I sorta worry about that shit here, sometimes, with all the awesome creativity going on.

Then I think, naaaah, ain't nothin' that crazy here.

Then Roger shares this stuff with us.

D'oh.

Also, those LGBT haters can suck a rubber dick.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I LIVE FOR THESE! 

Oh, man. The last one.  You know that occultards will be dissecting and analyzing LOBB for generations, right?

IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING. IT HAS TO. SIGILS!

Maybe it will start a RELIGION. 








...

[LMNO]

Roger, if you keep up this shit I'm going to have to upgrade you to my medium-term personal savior.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, if you keep up this shit I'm going to have to upgrade you to my medium-term personal savior.

I have no idea, no shit, no CLUE why I attract this sort of shit.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Roger, if you keep up this shit I'm going to have to upgrade you to my medium-term personal savior.

I have no idea, no shit, no CLUE why I attract this sort of shit.

It's pretty amazing. 

I am also still in awe of the fact that I apparently ruin lives by having contrary opinions and/or ignoring people, and people write to you about this.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, if you keep up this shit I'm going to have to upgrade you to my medium-term personal savior.

I have no idea, no shit, no CLUE why I attract this sort of shit.

It's pretty amazing. 

I am also still in awe of the fact that I apparently ruin lives by having contrary opinions and/or ignoring people, and people write to you about this.

I am the surrogate for the howling void, I suppose.  If they can be angry with me, they can forget how fucked they are by an uncaring universe, to say nothing of how they've fucked themselves.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

It's some kind of perverse charisma that clings to you guys. A lot of us are on the same page about a lot of things, but you two get the crazies. CONSISTENTLY.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It's some kind of perverse charisma that clings to you guys. A lot of us are on the same page about a lot of things, but you two get the crazies. CONSISTENTLY.

Pointing out that incorrect beliefs are incorrect and that fantasies aren't reality will not make you popular at parties.

It WILL, however, make you POPULAR LIKE HELL on the internet.