Letters to Bearman

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Dear Bearman (IF that's your real name):

I had thought to start out by insulting your state and your city, but it occurs to me that this would be like bringing coals to Newcastle.  You already know that Houston and Texas are as wrong as 6 Catholic priests in a daycare center...Which begs the question, "Why on Earth would you remain there?" 

Why, indeed?

Is it because you have the moral sense of a chicken on speed?  Is it because only Houston would put up with your endless & vile perversions?  Is it because Texans are kinda DUMB, thus "easy meat"?  It could be all of these things, Bearman, all of them and more. 

Your person habits are as disgusting as that horrible & wretched excuse for "beer" that you endlessly swill, while lurking in bars waiting for guys with names like Biff and Trevor to show up...So that you might humiliate them in front of their barbie doll girlfriends, thus leaving them to endlessly question their own manhood.  While I'm on board with tormenting people just for cheap kicks, you don't seem to know when to stop.

It is NOT okay to beat them with cheap imitation Samoan warclubs.  It is NOT okay to say "That's my drink", while you grab the frou-frou drinks their dates are holding.  It is NOT okay to slap Trevor until he calls himself Susan.  This is the exact reason why it's getting so hard for anyone ELSE to find people with names like "Chas" to abuse.  Frat boys may be a dime a dozen, but they spook, like a herd of deer.  They KNOW, Bearman.  They KNOW.

So when you stomp into the club, they break like gazelle, heading for the nearest exit, and NOBODY ELSE gets to have ANY FUN.  Bastard.

I'd also like to talk about your habit of feeding Seconal to teabaggers.  Look, these bastards are DUMB ENOUGH without cheap barbituates in their system.  When you get them high, they tend to run into traffic, and THAT can be a hazard for motorists.  Yes, yes, I know that most of them are incapable of "running", but they have Rascal scooters, so the effect is the same.

To wrap up, I find you immoral, unethical, unprincipled, and evil right to the core of your shriveled-up excuse for a heart.  But I must admit that you do it with a certain style, and that makes up for many, though not all, of your excesses.

Venomously Yours,
The Good Reverend Roger

(more to follow)

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Bearman,

You need to get out of Houston, brother.  That place is no good, and the people that live there are definitely not on your side.  They are a backwards people, and they have all the WRONG VALUES.  Grab the wife, hell, grab Charge & Binks, too, and run your ass West.  Keep running til you get to Tucson.  We need your sense of humor, and you need Tucson.

We have a grand total of 6 teabaggers here, just enough to fill the stocks and pillories outside of City Center, where we throw rotten fruit at them.  We have only 3 conspiracy freaks, which we keep around for humor value.  Lastly, there are more hipsters than you can shake a stick at (we're Portland 3 years later), so there's NO BAG LIMIT.

Also, God is present here, Bearman.  God is here 14 hours a day, and he smashes us all flat under his angry fist (which lowlander heretics refer to as "the sun") until we are all prone on the concrete, helplessly shitting ourselves.  Not only that, it's legal - outside of the city limits - to discharge firearms out of a moving vehicle.

In February, we have the international gem show, and while you might not care about THAT, it's what immediately follows the gem show that will catch your interest...Hundreds of new age freaks pimping out their psychic powers and showing off the new "crystals" they just bought (read: cheap quartz).  These People are NO end of fun, and the police don't care how much you torment them...Because our police hate them like they were Pol Pot's personal dick suckers. 

Lastly, we have a pathetically low - almost unAmerican - murder rate, about 35/year in a city of about 1.1 million people.  Of course, our missing persons list is outrageous, and it's a big desert...

So, yeah.  Gather up the tribe and get out here.  We will drink many bourbons at the Meetrack, we will bray spittle and laughter at the rubes, we will MARCH ON A ROAD OF BONES.  It's really the only way to deal with this abortion of a century that was foisted off on us.

Up the Asshat Revolution,
The Good Reverend Roger

[EK WAFFLR]

 

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Eventually we will all be in Tucson, lured by Roger's siren song and promises of a more interesting and soothing insanity.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Eventually we will all be in Tucson, lured by Roger's siren song and promises of a more interesting and soothing insanity.

I keep telling you fuckers, but only two people ever came down.  Nigel & Alty, and they're JUST FINE.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Eventually we will all be in Tucson, lured by Roger's siren song and promises of a more interesting and soothing insanity.

I keep telling you fuckers, but only two people ever came down.  Nigel & Alty, and they're JUST FINE.

Alty is the next person you're going to start getting mean PMs about. That dirty fucker is now controlling your mind, too! :P Also, if it makes you feel better, my best friend just sent me an e-mail saying they're looking into moving to AZ or NM. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Eventually we will all be in Tucson, lured by Roger's siren song and promises of a more interesting and soothing insanity.

I keep telling you fuckers, but only two people ever came down.  Nigel & Alty, and they're JUST FINE.

Alty is the next person you're going to start getting mean PMs about. That dirty fucker is now controlling your mind, too! :P Also, if it makes you feel better, my best friend just sent me an e-mail saying they're looking into moving to AZ or NM. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Steer them this way.  We have the right beliefs.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Bearman,

What the hell are you kids listening to these days?  I had two of my I&E techs duct tape me to my office chair, and then FOR SCIENCE, I watched the current top 40 courtesy of Youtube.  I have soiled myself in rage, and I hope you bastards are happy.

First, this Bruno Mars character is FUCKED UP.  It's like watching Prince & The Revolution, except that it would be Prince & The Smiths.  What a whiny, depressing bag of emo this tard is.  And he's #1?  Really?  REALLY, AMERICA?  Somewhere, Lord Buckley is laughing at us all.

Second, what's with this "So & so featuring so & so"?  Nearest I can figure, it's how successful pop stars prop up their useless proteges.  Example, #2 on the chart, "Rihanna Featuring Mikky Ekko".  I know who Rihanna is, sort of, but who in gibbering FUCK is "Mikky Ekko", and why can't he spell his Goddamn name right?  Anyway, I had at first thought "featuring" was a new way of saying "duet", but it isn't.  It's a new way of saying "special guest", only in reverse.  You see, back in the 80s, Phil Collins figured out that if "Genesis" became "Genesis with Special Guest Phil Collins", it was really saying "Phil Collins and a Bunch of Losers Who Cart His Gear Around".  Likewise, "featuring" means "I'm here to prop up this loser.  Buy the fucking record, already".  Christ.  THIS is why America is becoming a cultural suckhole, and why our children will drink filthy water all their lives.

Third, Maroon 5's new album is called "Overexposed", which is the single fucking accurate thing I've seen on the entire billboard.  These pieces of shit were overexposed the moment they crawled out of whatever filthy dives they were playing in, to sign their contract.  They should be fed into meat processing equipment feet first.

LASTLY:  Autotune.  WHAT THE FUCK?  This is worse than Goddamn synthodrums in the 80s.  This is worse than French Experimental Music (the shit that killed Radio Free Discordia, thanks Enki).  This is worse than IMPROV JAZZ, and I NEVER thought I'd say that.

So, let's just have Maroon 5 "feature" Pitbull, with synthodrum background, then autotune the shit out of it, and complete the slide of Western civilization right into the La Brea Tar Pits.

For fucks sake,
The Good Reverend Roger

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Bearman,

What the hell are you kids listening to these days?  I had two of my I&E techs duct tape me to my office chair, and then FOR SCIENCE, I watched the current top 40 courtesy of Youtube.  I have soiled myself in rage, and I hope you bastards are happy.

First, this Bruno Mars character is FUCKED UP.  It's like watching Prince & The Revolution, except that it would be Prince & The Smiths.  What a whiny, depressing bag of emo this tard is.  And he's #1?  Really?  REALLY, AMERICA?  Somewhere, Lord Buckley is laughing at us all.

Second, what's with this "So & so featuring so & so"?  Nearest I can figure, it's how successful pop stars prop up their useless proteges.  Example, #2 on the chart, "Rihanna Featuring Mikky Ekko".  I know who Rihanna is, sort of, but who in gibbering FUCK is "Mikky Ekko", and why can't he spell his Goddamn name right?  Anyway, I had at first thought "featuring" was a new way of saying "duet", but it isn't.  It's a new way of saying "special guest", only in reverse.  You see, back in the 80s, Phil Collins figured out that if "Genesis" became "Genesis with Special Guest Phil Collins", it was really saying "Phil Collins and a Bunch of Losers Who Cart His Gear Around".  Likewise, "featuring" means "I'm here to prop up this loser.  Buy the fucking record, already".  Christ.  THIS is why America is becoming a cultural suckhole, and why our children will drink filthy water all their lives.

Third, Maroon 5's new album is called "Overexposed", which is the single fucking accurate thing I've seen on the entire billboard.  These pieces of shit were overexposed the moment they crawled out of whatever filthy dives they were playing in, to sign their contract.  They should be fed into meat processing equipment feet first.

LASTLY:  Autotune.  WHAT THE FUCK?  This is worse than Goddamn synthodrums in the 80s.  This is worse than French Experimental Music (the shit that killed Radio Free Discordia, thanks Enki).  This is worse than IMPROV JAZZ, and I NEVER thought I'd say that.

So, let's just have Maroon 5 "feature" Pitbull, with synthodrum background, then autotune the shit out of it, and complete the slide of Western civilization right into the La Brea Tar Pits.

For fucks sake,
The Good Reverend Roger

[Ben Shapiro]

Hahaha. Lost at it Phil Collins.