Some Rather Sad News

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Doktor,

It seems that while I was momentarily distracted with letter-writting and yarn-mailing, Roger went and got himself dead again. This news fills me with sadness, however I hope you will see to it that he is properly laundered before resurrection as since I have spent time with truckers, I know the contents of their piss bottles are not particularly aromatic. Or rather they ARE aromatic, just not in any way one cares to observe such things.

We're on a budget.  We tipped him into the culvert and threw a few weeds flowers after him.

Please be informed that while I will bear witness, as one must, to your SCIENCE; I'd prefer NOT to be experimented on until you can produce sufficient credentials to assure me I will not end up with more digits and fewer orifices than I started with. Organs are up for grabs as I don't use most of them anyway.

Also note, I AM NOT A LIZARD.

Thank you for your attention to this important matter.

Sincerely,

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

We cannot be held responsible for spontaneous acts of SCIENCE.

[Doktor Howl]

I, for one, am GLAD Roger is dead.

Always. I can hear the parasites combing through his back hair buzzing from my house.

He was a schmuck.  There was no showing him the Truth.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Now look at them spag-os thats the way you do it
You play the guitar to the Horrorology
That aint workin HERE's the way you do it
Funny for nothin and we're dicks for free
Now that aint workin THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT
Lemme tell ya them guys aint dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a big welt for your dumb

We gotta repurpose microwave ovens
Custom kitchen atrocities
We gotta improve these refrigerators
We gotta move this Tucson brain disease

See the little spaggot with the leering and the cakeup
Yeah buddy thats his back hair
That little spaggot made Freeky a love machine
That little spaggot he's an engineer

We gotta repurpose microwave ovens
Custom kitchen atrocities
We gotta improve these refrigerators
We gotta move this Tucson brain disease

I shoulda learned to play the guitar
I shoulda learned to play them drums
Look at that mama, she got the Wiccan with her hammah
Man we could have some fun
And he's up there, whats that? Alaskan noises?
Bangin that old Pango like a chimpanzee
That aint workin HERE's way you do it
Get your funny for nothin be a dick for free

We gotta repurpose microwave ovens
Custom kitchen atrocities
We gotta improve these refrigerators
We gotta move this Tucson brain disease

[Richter]

I am never again acting as executor for a last will and testament.

I am certain half of this stuff is illegal, if not damning to my soul, and the sadistic freakjob lawyer who was on retainer to assist me just laughs whenever I call for advice. 

Here are a few of the more tame conditions.

- a certain portion of funds are to go to establish a scholarship fund for geriatric nursing and disco

- Hair is to be collected and a rug woven.  I don't even....

- The bones are to be removed and sizes cataloged.  I'm to calculate the median size, and slip three into a certain "Jewelery" vendor's stock, then mail a sealed pre - addressed and stamped letter to local fuzz.

- the left foot is to be exempted from this.  I am to take it to a local crematoria with half a set of handcuffs while wearing full motorcycle leathers and ask for it to be incinerated.

- the old pair of engineer's boots are to be filled with pitch, fitted onto a "mythbusters" style "boot marching machine" lit, and pointed into the desert at night.

- the "parts" are to be taken to a local legislator's office.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Awww, again?

Are you kidding??

FUCK the drug thread, lets do some shit!

[Don Coyote]

I just shat myself because of this malarky.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Awww, again?

Nice to see you, too, young Ms Pennyworth.

I think she meant, "Aww poor Roger. Why can't he live? Why must doom always be upon him? Shall the Good Lord, who is our Shepard, see fit to grant him some reprieve?" more than she meant "Aww, this Howl shtick again? Wadya wadya wadya?" But that could just be my reading of the situation.

That was it.

Also I don't know if I need to send another batch of cookies to Tuscon or if the existing bribery carries over.

[Doktor Howl]

Awww, again?

Nice to see you, too, young Ms Pennyworth.

I think she meant, "Aww poor Roger. Why can't he live? Why must doom always be upon him? Shall the Good Lord, who is our Shepard, see fit to grant him some reprieve?" more than she meant "Aww, this Howl shtick again? Wadya wadya wadya?" But that could just be my reading of the situation.

That was it.

Also I don't know if I need to send another batch of cookies to Tuscon or if the existing bribery carries over.

Oh, now that was embarrassing on my part.  Apologies.

[Doktor Howl]

But Keelin says you should send cookies.  Or the old man gets it.

[Left]

- the "parts" are to be taken to a local legislator's office.

I presume the penis is to be taxidermied first, in an erect position?
...Here. *hands over petroleum jelly*  No worries, it'll eventually fit up the appropriate bum.

[EK WAFFLR]

Like a particularly rabid Phoenix, the Dok rises again.
I for one welcome this.

[Doktor Howl]

Like a particularly rabid Phoenix, the Dok rises again.
I for one welcome this.

Why, thank you.

In any case, I shall be posting experiment #1 in OMF today, as well as LOBB.  And possibly some Horrorology that needs outside opinions.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It is my sad duty to inform you that The Good Reverend Roger is dead again.  It seems he went down to Omar's Highway Chef at the Triple T truckstop for one of his nauseating salads, when a piss jug hurled from a semi up on the highway struck his head, killing him instantly.  Judging from the sheer amount of trauma, he'll likely be dead for months.

I rather suspect it was deliberately arranged, as the chances of being struck by a piss jug that far from the highway are slim at best.  Either ECH did him in over the rights to the Chef Diesel character, or he arranged it himself, so that I would have to finish LOBB for him. 

Be that as it may, the idea of a Holy Man™ being struck down in such odd circumstances - arranged or not - indicates that religion isn't the way to salvation after all.  No, this is a shiny new century, and we must look to SCIENCE for the solutions to our problems.  Also, Tucson has been getting a little too quiet these days, and it is well past time that this changed.  Had Alty made it down this July, The Good Reverend might have pulled it off; however, given Alty's current penury, I suppose that it is up to me.

So, the question is, "what now"?  Well, I'm here to tell you.  Now we begin experiments, the subjects of which are the gaping fools and witless primates that surround us all.  There will be laughs to spare, even if those laughs are the wrong ones.  There will be hilarity, a jovial leer for all those who cross our paths.

So break out the lab coats and surgical smocks.  Don your glacier glasses.  Hook up the electrodes where they give you the biggest kick...The times are too grim for anything less.  When the great scorer¹ writes down our tally, let it not be said that we wimped out just when things were getting funny. 

And when all your preparations have been made, when you've got the leather straps and brass buckles poking you in all the right ways, let's sit down and plan a little fun.  Because you have to have a laugh, right?

Okay For Now,
Dok



¹  Neil DeGrasse Tyson, of course.  Who did you think I meant?

I was good up to the Neil DeGrasse Tyson part, and then I lost it. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Welcome back, illustrious Doktor!

Though I am said to see the Reverend meet his demise again, I am sure that the cloning experiments will be able to resurrect him. It worked for Duncan Idaho, no?

In the meantime since I am transitioning to the field of Science myself, I look forward to collaborating with you in this most important research. At the end of it the Teamonkeys will be screeching for funding to go back to what they view as frivolous studies.

Jokes on them, we do this shit for free.

We do this shit because we can do no other.  I have a couple of ideas for research in the political arena, if anyone's interested.  I was inspired by dracunculus medinensis and by the movie Alien.

Details to follow, tomorrow morning.

HOOK ME UP

Yesterday I had the most wonderful realization, which is that this is a 10-week term. That means that it's over in THREE WEEKS!

Oh beautiful summer, here I come

[Doktor Howl]

Welcome back, illustrious Doktor!

Though I am said to see the Reverend meet his demise again, I am sure that the cloning experiments will be able to resurrect him. It worked for Duncan Idaho, no?

In the meantime since I am transitioning to the field of Science myself, I look forward to collaborating with you in this most important research. At the end of it the Teamonkeys will be screeching for funding to go back to what they view as frivolous studies.

Jokes on them, we do this shit for free.

We do this shit because we can do no other.  I have a couple of ideas for research in the political arena, if anyone's interested.  I was inspired by dracunculus medinensis and by the movie Alien.

Details to follow, tomorrow morning.

HOOK ME UP

Yesterday I had the most wonderful realization, which is that this is a 10-week term. That means that it's over in THREE WEEKS!

Oh beautiful summer, here I come

We are going to breathe NEW LIFE into the TEA PARTY.  IRL.

And then, unfortunately, things will go horribly, horribly wrong.  On account of chaos theory.  Or words to that effect.  Just like in Jurassic Park.