Home Remedies

[Salty]

YOU
Give me an ailment.

I
Give you a Proven™ and Effective™ method for curing and soothing your troubled body/mind/soul.

Get 'em now, while we still have the slop to make 'em.

[Doktor Howl]

My horrible carbuncle masses.

[Left]

I
Give you a Proven™ and Effective™ method for curing and soothing your troubled body/mind/soul.

While you are otherwise awesome, I somehow doubt you can sort me out.
A cadre of people with advanced degrees and a couple with advanced microsurgery equipment have not succeeded.

As Dok Howl has it, best left to some ordnance.

[Salty]

My horrible carbuncle masses.

Find a white chicken. Beat it to death with a black cane. Smear the blood on the most tenacious member of your HOA. Do this every tuesday for six weeks. The terror of the chicken will transfer into this person and your mass should constrict to manageable levels.

[Salty]

I
Give you a Proven™ and Effective™ method for curing and soothing your troubled body/mind/soul.

While you are otherwise awesome, I somehow doubt you can sort me out.
A cadre of people with advanced degrees and a couple with advanced microsurgery equipment have not succeeded.

Try suitcasing pinecones to hone in on your funnay.

[Left]

I
Give you a Proven™ and Effective™ method for curing and soothing your troubled body/mind/soul.

While you are otherwise awesome, I somehow doubt you can sort me out.
A cadre of people with advanced degrees and a couple with advanced microsurgery equipment have not succeeded.

Try suitcasing pinecones to hone in on your funnay.

Hey, think of the toilet paper savings!

[McGrupp]

There are these articulated growths at the end of my palm. Four straight ones with a couple of joints on them and one smaller stubby one that is opposable to the other ones. 

[Salty]

There are these articulated growths at the end of my palm. Four straight ones with a couple of joints on them and one smaller stubby one that is opposable to the other ones.

Affix them as firmly as possible to the billowing end of Kyptonian outerwear and pull sharply.

[LMNO]

I have pollen allergies.

[EK WAFFLR]

Back pains, runny nose and I'm hungry

[LMNO]

My toe itches.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning there's this yellowish gunk in my eyes or the immediate vicinity thereof.

[EK WAFFLR]

It's too hot.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I keep waking up half on the floor half on the bed with a pillow over my face.

[Salty]

I have pollen allergies.

Take one large onion, slice it evenly, stack the slices while placing sugar between each layer. Let sit in a bowl overnight. Take the ramaining fluid and pour it all over your root chakra while slamming vodka shooters and shouting "Potatoes are beehives!"