Home Remedies

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I have a horrible cold and a catering gig at 4:30. How can I feel better by 4:30?

[Salty]

Back pains, runny nose and I'm hungry

Set up three ukuleles into a little pyramid in a busy walkway. Soak in kerosone.

Wear a teal robe, for the third eye, and ask passersby if they have a moment to talk about the Good News. As soon as someone says Yes, light the ukes on fire and wave your hips suggestively toward the person until they leave.

Also, yoga.

[Salty]

My toe itches.

Suitecase it.

[Salty]

Sometimes when I wake up in the morning there's this yellowish gunk in my eyes or the immediate vicinity thereof.

Every night before you sleep coat your eyes in clean, pure bacon grease while singing a hymn of your choice, so long as it relates to the widening crack of heaven's butthole.

[Salty]

It's too hot.

This may seen counter intuitive at first, but coat every car you see with a thick layer of napalm.

[Salty]

I keep waking up half on the floor half on the bed with a pillow over my face.

Fill a pillowcase with some kind of bird. Chicken works, or you can use quail, they must be mostly alive. Put on a large pair of boots and some clothing that draws the eye, Day-glo orange?, go for a walk. The second someone looks at you funny beat them with the bag of birds until the bag or person is severely reddened.

Take the pillowcase, provided it hasnt been taken as evidence and put it underneath anothed pillowcase when you sleep.

[Salty]

I have a horrible cold and a catering gig at 4:30. How can I feel better by 4:30?

Neti pot....crafted from the skull of whomever is nicest to you today. It will be their eternal reward, and you will have a fast, effective tool thats steeped in love and good, healing energy.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I have a horrible cold and a catering gig at 4:30. How can I feel better by 4:30?

Neti pot....crafted from the skull of whomever is nicest to you today. It will be their eternal reward, and you will have a fast, effective tool thats steeped in love and good, healing energy.

[McGrupp]

There are these articulated growths at the end of my palm. Four straight ones with a couple of joints on them and one smaller stubby one that is opposable to the other ones.

Affix them as firmly as possible to the billowing end of Kyptonian outerwear and pull sharply.

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