PI with Malice Aforethough: EoC

[The Good Reverend Roger]

EoC braked the "special" to a stop, and we looked toward the enemy.  They didn't seem too disciplined...But we expected that from the invader.  Sure, they had the numbers, enough to swamp the American military West of the Mississippi...But on an individual level, they were savages.

"What do you think, Roger?  Can we pull this off?"

I yanked on the charging handle of the antique M60 we'd jury-rigged onto a pole in the bed of the pickup truck, and checked my straps (wouldn't do to fall out, no, not at all).  "I don't see that we have any choice at all.  If we don't disrupt them long enough to allow Richter's mob to dig in properly, they'll be stomping around Utah by this time next week."

"Right.  Well, I always wanted to be a hero", EoC laughed, putting the truck into gear.  The other two trucks followed us down the ravine towards the enemy position.  6 men in 3 trucks against a brigade-size force of the invaders.  Well, at least we had terrain on our side.

We got to within 100 meters before a shout rang out...Discipline was terrible here.  Their fucking guards must have been asleep or something.  EoC and the other two drivers gunned it, and we drove through their pickets at 60 MPH, while I and the other two gunners lit them up with our machine guns.

The enemy soldiers nearest us turned into a red mist.  EoC steered directly for the center of the encampment, running over nearly as many as I shot.  I glanced back, and saw one of our trucks explode and burn...So the enemy wasn't completely incompetent.

But then we were in the center of the camp, and I emptied an entire belt into their command tent.  EoC drove through the tent, completing the carnage.  To my left I heard a low, dull thud and screams.  Good, that meant Bob and John got the fuel dump.  Time to get out.

EoC drove us in a wide circle, and we rocketed back out of the enemy camp.  As we did so, a bullet narrowly missed me and struck the receiver of my machine gun, putting it out of action.  I wasn't scared, but someone shat in my pants.

We pulled up in a narrow canyon and waited for Bob and John to catch up.  I was inspecting my machine gun while EoC stood watch. 

"It's cold already.  A little early, even for Montana."

"hmm"

"You know what kills me, Roger?"

"Yeah?"

"The Canadians used to be such nice neighbors."

[LMNO]

 

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

What did Canada DO?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

What did Canada DO?

What they've always wanted to do.  Invade the USA.

Because they are savages that cannot allow a thing of beauty to stand.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

What did Canada DO?

What they've always wanted to do.  Invade the USA.

Because they are savages that cannot allow a thing of beauty to stand.

I think you're confusing all of Canada with Newfoundland. Again.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

What did Canada DO?

What they've always wanted to do.  Invade the USA.

Because they are savages that cannot allow a thing of beauty to stand.

I think you're confusing all of Canada with Newfoundland. Again.

No.  I have been to every province except PEI and what used to be the North West Territories.

And they are an angry, warlike race that will one day KILL US ALL, because we can't be bothered to crush them first.

Consider:  They drink Red Rose Tea.  VOLUNTARILY.  They think Swiss Chalet is EDIBLE.  And they keep all the fucking Coffee Crisps to themselves, which is ALONE enough justification for a limited first strike.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

The last time we first-striked Canada, they burned down our White House.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The last time we first-striked Canada, they burned down our White House.

And this is a reason to NOT do it...Why, exactly?   

Have them send us an invoice.

[LMNO]

To be fair, they can totally claim self-defense.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

The last time we first-striked Canada, they burned down our White House.

And this is a reason to NOT do it...Why, exactly?   

Have them send us an invoice.

It's a pretty house!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

To be fair, they can totally claim self-defense.

Balls.  We have given them EVERYTHING.  Acid rain, Detroit, football (which they fucked up), baseball (which they suck at), and right-wing whackjobs (which they are really starting to warm up to).

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The last time we first-striked Canada, they burned down our White House.

And this is a reason to NOT do it...Why, exactly?   

Have them send us an invoice.

It's a pretty house!

Some things are pretty on the outside, and horribly decayed and rotten on the inside.

Calzones, for example.  The White House is America's calzone.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH CALZONES?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH CALZONES?

They're sort of like Italian haggis, only without the good bits.

When you think about it, they're the perfect American food.  They look like a pie crust, and the inside is full of high calorie, bland, tasteless mush.  Mush is what's for dinner.  Yum, yum!  And isn't THAT what America is all about?

[Eater of Clowns]

And I really thought Richter would be more useful in a war, truly. It's not to say that his bloodlust wasn't a boon to our position, but when you spend the preceding six hours frothing at the mouth with a grotesque erection and muttering "mounties" over and over.

What he did to them when he found them though was, well, amazing and, if I'm being honest, should not have been possible.