The Apocalypse and YOU

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Part 1
Recognizing the Apocalypse

You, yes, YOU, might be enduring an apocalypse without even knowing it, friends!  The modern apocalypse isn't the apocalypse of your father's day...Or it IS, but we may no longer recognize the symptoms.

For example, is that madman talking to God?  Or does he simply have a Bluetooth in his ear?  Sometimes, it's not so easy to tell.  Is that blizzard of shit the sign of an angry God, or has a local chemical company not been performing its required inspections?

Let's look at Little Billy.  He is enjoying a normal day, staring into the plasma screen of his new iPod.  Perhaps he is running a simulation of riding his bicycle to school.  Suddenly, his avatar sees a FLASH, and ducks and covers.  Was Little Billy's virtual self in the blast radius of an atomic attack?  Or was he merely getting trolled by his Facebook friends?

The Book of Revelation says that all men shall bear the mark of the beast, or they will be unable to engage in trade.  This may remind you of using a credit card for shopping on Amazon, but consider:  There are many methods of payment, from Mastercard to Paypal to one of these exciting new digital currencies.  This would imply that either this isn't the mark of the beast, or there are many beasts, and you may serve more than one of them.

Let's look at pestilence.  Little Billy is home sick from school today.  He has a high fever, the shakes, and occasionally coughs up blood.  Careful!  It may be Ebola Zaire.  Or perhaps Tuberculosis.  Or maybe Little Billy's just been on the Krokodil again, that scamp!

Then, there's famine.  Is what's going on with the desert in China the sign of the End Times?  Or maybe they just did a little overgrazing.  The sea is turning into a collection of jellyfish and not much else.  On some days, the sea may be turning red and slimy.  An ocean of blood?  Or just a runaway ecological disaster?

Yes, it's hard to tell when armageddon has arrived.  Sometimes, it's even hard to tell if it matters if the apocalypse is upon us, because everyday events look more and more like the End Times as described by our ancestors.  You could have a biblical event and perhaps not even notice it.

Here at Shut Up, the Journal of American Horrorology, we have a simple test we do to see if what we're experiencing is the apocalypse, or just another day in Tucson.  We turn on the tap.  If no water comes out, then it is in fact the end...Though we may have up to a week to think about it, or perhaps to shoot our neighbors for their bottled water.  If, on the other hand, water does come out of the tap, then it's just another day, and you can safely ignore the 7-headed beastie that has you double parked.

In the next chapter, we will discuss what you should do, should the apocalypse actually occur.   

[Cain]

And sometimes the apocalypse can even take the form of excess water.  Farmers in Somerset have been seen gathering scraps of dry wood and discussing the best way to break into Paignton Zoo, in case of any more rain.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

But Holy Man, how can I tell if the Apocalypse has come in beautiful Portland, Oregon, where it is another sunny day in January?

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

So, this means in this modern age, the apocalypse has gone from being something God will rain down upon us to something we do to ourselves and each other, for fun and profit? I wonder what God thinks about that.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But Holy Man, how can I tell if the Apocalypse has come in beautiful Portland, Oregon, where it is another sunny day in January?

Well, that's just it.  You now have your own, personalized Apocalypse.  What looks terrible to you may be just another day to your fellow Americans, and vice-versa.  Of course, if you didn't fill out the online registration for your apocalypse, it may be hard to tell if those GMO super rats are YOUR apocalypse, or the one the next door neighbor ordered.

As I say, it can be very hard to spot an apocalypse in today's fast-paced world.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So, this means in this modern age, the apocalypse has gone from being something God will rain down upon us to something we do to ourselves and each other, for fun and profit? I wonder what God thinks about that.

I never said that.  I just said that the apocalypse may be indistinguishable from our current practices.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

So, this means in this modern age, the apocalypse has gone from being something God will rain down upon us to something we do to ourselves and each other, for fun and profit? I wonder what God thinks about that.

I never said that.  I just said that the apocalypse may be indistinguishable from our current practices.

Aaaaaaah. I see now.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Part 2
What to do when your apocalypse arrives.

The first thing to remember when the apocalypse arrives is that it's useless to fight or run.  You'll simply die tired.  If fighting could do any good, it isn't the apocalypse, it's a Steven Seagal movie, and all you have to do is run upstairs.  Having become obese over the years, Steven will not be able to catch you, and then you can go about your daily business.

Likewise, praying or wailing at God won't do any good.  It's a little too late to placate him, once he's turned the armageddon engines on, because it's a lot of work to get them started, and he's not going to waste that effort on your account.  You had your chance, and now you're doomed.

So what do you do when the apocalypse arrives?

Let's watch Little Billy.  He's playing World of Warcraft, when suddenly the oceans turn to blood and locusts descend from the skies.  Little Billy doesn't seem to notice at first, until the power goes out.  He walks to the window, and looks out at the burning city, at his neighbors fighting to the death with claw hammers, at dogs and cats fucking in the street.

"Haxxors", he mumbles.  Then he restarts his console on battery backup and plays a solo game.

Little Billy has mastered the first step of dealing with the apocalypse.  Ignore it.

But what happens when his batteries run out?  And sooner or later, he's going to have to eat.  So Little Billy hollers for his mother to bring him a Hot Pocket.  No answer.  Eventually, Little Billy gets tired of hollering, and goes to see what his lazy mother is doing that is so important that she can't pop something in the microwave for him.

Mother and Father have both been consumed by mold from Dis.  Little Billy shrugs, and rifles through dad's pockets for his credit cards, being careful not to allow the eldritch mold to touch him.  Having disregarded parents and obtained currency, Little Billy has mastered the second step of dealing with the apocalypse.

He goes outside and heads for the local McDonalds.

Halfway there, Little Billy is shot in the chest with a 12 gauge by his neighbor, who is convinced that all young people are spawn of the devil.  Little Billy gurgles a bit, waiting to respawn back in his room.  Then he coughs again and expires.  Little Billy has mastered the third step of dealing with the apocalypse.  He has died.

So, let's review.  In the event of an apocalypse, you should:

1.  Ignore it.
2.  Loot the dead.
3.  Die.

In the next chapter, we will discuss what you can do to make your apocalypse a festive event.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[Ben Shapiro]

Ahahahahaha yes!

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

**taking notes**

[Left]

 

[EK WAFFLR]