transformed by the corporation

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Over the course of the past several business cycles, I have inherited a large pool of experience in transforming direct language into a more polished and deliverable format. In fact, at this juncture, my ability to communicate without the use of approved wording has been critically compromised. Rather than view this development as a hindrance, I'd like to use this to generate an opportunity for production-positive knowledge transfer. To that end, I am offering to take submissions and modify their language to align with company communications policy. You are invited to participate in this exchange by offering the roughest, least polished terms and phrases you can think of.

To help, here are a few recent examples at my workplace that turned unacceptably blunt language into conversation-conducive remarks:

Original: WHY IS MY MANAGER AN ASSHOLE? HE KEEPS ASKING ME TO DO MORE WORK AND I DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO WHAT WAS ALREADY ASSIGNED!
Transformed: I seek to enhance my productivity output despite any obstacles presented by operational realities.

O: HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL JACK THAT HIS MICROPHONE WILL NOT WORK UNTIL HE PLUGS IT THE FUCK IN?
T: Technological hardware considerations can have a tangible impact on audio traffic.

O: HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FILL OUT THE FORM, IF YOU WON'T GRANT ME ACCESS TO THE FORM ON SHAREPOINT?
T: Your admirable dedication to company security practices has inspired me to synthesize a solution to this task while remaining aligned with company processes.

[LMNO]

O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

O: THIS FUCKING SHIT IS FUCKING FUCKING MY SHIT SO SHIT DOESN'T GET FUCKED.
T: I am synergistically leveraging my core competencies strategically as a solution.

The organization is positively influenced by wide contribution to our ongoing conversation and owe a great deal of our progress to teams and individuals who have taken the initiative to investigate the most effective ways they can help in this endeavor.

[Doktor Howl]

How do I say:

"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"

[tyrannosaurus vex]

How do I say:

"IF YOU DON'T PUT THAT GUN DOWN, I WILL THROW THE SWITCH AND THUS KILL THE HOSTAGES?"

"We encourage your team to deescalate the situation on the ground by reevaluating your approach to the issues at hand. This is the most reliable path forward, and has a high probability of avoiding increased funerary expanses."

[Junkenstein]

"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?

[President Television]

I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

"ONE HOSTAGE, ON THE HOUR EVERY HOUR"?

We will achieve capital expenditure reduction through a coordinated process that will introduce efficiency enhancements at a rate of one labor pool unit per sixty minutes until such time as our overall goals have been realized.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I am angry. ANGRY ABOUT ELVES.

There has been an upswing in anxiety-positive encounters this quarter attributed to persistent operational issues within the North Pole Production division.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This thread is 

[Reginald Ret]

I want to work less hours for the same amount of  money.

[LMNO]

I want to work less hours for the same amount of  money.

The words you're looking for are "Upper Management".

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I want to work less hours for the same amount of  money.

Recent surveys of top-grade performers have shown that it often makes excellent business sense to foster an environment where compensation is based on big-picture participation in and contribution to the work product rather than detail-attentive dynamics such as specific number of hours worked.

[Junkenstein]

"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"

"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"

[tyrannosaurus vex]

"It is much more profitable for the company to pay me to do nothing"

A net-negative cashflow in the near term can actually result in surprisingly strong financial outcomes in mid- to long-term cycles, when the investment is made to encourage effort-neutral contributions from otherwise underperforming business units.

"Put the money in the sack, turn around and count to 100 slowly out loud"

In keeping with our Core Values Statement, remember to pool all assets in the receptacle provided, then align all efforts into an about-facing pattern while enumerating mathematical units into the triple digits.