My house is killing me

[Con-troll]

I don't know how it came to this. Somewhere along I had moments of despair, sorrow, lost my will to live, and while it feels to be over now it all was sucked into the walls, into every unnecessary piece of furniture, into every piece of garbage I should have thrown out a long time ago.

The air is toxic here, so are all the rays of light hitting my eyes. This place is just too heavy, too lonely to cope with. All the homely disorder has turned against me. All the bugs that once were my friends are now hiding and plotting against me. All the pipes tell me terrible things.

And I cannot move out.

Moving out would require money and power I don't really possess right now. Moving would require me to do much more than just clean out this shithole, get a new apartment, and be done with. No, it would require me to deal with the shithead landlord I'm not even actually sure is a shithead, but I just assume by my stereotype of landlords that he is. A dark landlord that has casted a terrible spell on my apartment that breaks my psyche and my will to get anything done.

I'm not allowed to have pets or smoke.

[Cramulus]

First, you gotta take some new ownership of your environment. Find something you can control, and change it. Redecorate. Repaint. Rearrange all the furniture. Get some new art. Banish the ghosts and turn it into a fresh space.



I work from home, so sometimes I get CABIN FEVER in a bad way. Just being in my apartment stresses me out. One thing that's helped me work through it is the recognition that Impressions are a kind of food. Boredom is basically hunger for impressions. Maybe your living space is like leftover impressions that have gone bad. Something we've already seen and know does not nourish us. I can combat my cabin fever by breaking habits linked to the space. I'll eat breakfast in a different room than I normally do, or listen to a podcast from a different chair instead of automatically flopping down on the couch and turning on the TV. Because let's be real - it's not really the space that's stressing you out, it's the Being you have when you're inside of that space. The space is a context for your life. You sound hungry, nourish yourself with fresh impressions.

[chaotic neutral observer]

First, you gotta take some new ownership of your environment. Find something you can control, and change it. Redecorate. Repaint. Rearrange all the furniture. Get some new art. Banish the ghosts and turn it into a fresh space.

Further to this, try growing some plants.  Not something boring like sansevieria, but something that you can watch grow, and eventually harvest.  E.g., grow some basil, then use it in tomato sauce.

[Con-troll]

There's this loop I'm going through, of trying to clean up, not being able to get enough done to offset the mess I make while not cleaning up, getting stressed out from that, and procrastinating even more. I'm not sure where's the exit. I'd guess it's in replacing procrastinating with something more interesting...

Still there's the loop of cleaning and making a mess. It's kinda like I stopped smoking for a while, and it released so much energy, then got back to smoking to release some more energy, but after couple of rotations that's just another loop. I've yet to exit from the right end.

I've tried the plants. At one point I had onions, garlic, basil and parsley trying to live off the little light they could get this up north, but they all died a horrible death because I didn't manage to fullfill their nutritional needs. I'm certainly getting some lamps and have a go at it again, they didn't die in vain.

I also recently found my old violin. I cannot play it for shit, but I still occasionally use it to communicate with walls. I just hope all the negative karma wont bury my blooming artist before I figure out how to get a clean note out of the instrument.

[Cramulus]

There's this loop I'm going through, of trying to clean up, not being able to get enough done to offset the mess I make while not cleaning up, getting stressed out from that, and procrastinating even more. I'm not sure where's the exit. I'd guess it's in replacing procrastinating with something more interesting...

Still there's the loop of cleaning and making a mess. It's kinda like I stopped smoking for a while, and it released so much energy, then got back to smoking to release some more energy, but after couple of rotations that's just another loop. I've yet to exit from the right end.

the key to all of this
is understanding the moment
when you terminate the process

[Con-troll]

Something happened.

Sadly I didn't give those words a minute of thought, but still, after a night of heavy drinking, I was sitting on a bus, intoxicated and heading home. A situation way too familiar to me. Like I've literally been in the same exact moment multiple times in my life. But this time, instead of just thinking about stuff or staring at the void, I tried thinking forward. Step into the future, through the bus ride, a short walk from the stop, opening a door, walking up the stairs, entering my apartment... And then what?

If I made that decision on that split second I stood on my doormat, I would've probably just continued the loop. Open a tv, find something to eat, pass out, and whatever, but as I had a whole bus ride to think about it I came to very different conclusion. I'd instead decided to put my phone to charge, drink water, and go read a book.

I have no idea how long this is gonna last, but since then, being less than 10 hours ago, I've had this feeling I always "know" what I'm doing next. While going through an action, I can decide the following actions for as far as my memory lets me. After that everything has felt like a continuum. Not just moments shattered across the time with no way to travel between them.

I know most tend to call this phenomenon planning, but hell, it feels like magic to me.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Something happened.

Sadly I didn't give those words a minute of thought, but still, after a night of heavy drinking, I was sitting on a bus, intoxicated and heading home. A situation way too familiar to me. Like I've literally been in the same exact moment multiple times in my life. But this time, instead of just thinking about stuff or staring at the void, I tried thinking forward. Step into the future, through the bus ride, a short walk from the stop, opening a door, walking up the stairs, entering my apartment... And then what?

If I made that decision on that split second I stood on my doormat, I would've probably just continued the loop. Open a tv, find something to eat, pass out, and whatever, but as I had a whole bus ride to think about it I came to very different conclusion. I'd instead decided to put my phone to charge, drink water, and go read a book.

I have no idea how long this is gonna last, but since then, being less than 10 hours ago, I've had this feeling I always "know" what I'm doing next. While going through an action, I can decide the following actions for as far as my memory lets me. After that everything has felt like a continuum. Not just moments shattered across the time with no way to travel between them.

I know most tend to call this phenomenon planning, but hell, it feels like magic to me.

Can I take this for Holy Nonsense?

[LMNO]

Yeah, that's a good'un.

[Cramulus]

You saw yourself, not just from your own point of view, but from somewhere else. You saw your own conditioning, and how it leads you to do the same actions over and over again. And during this moment when you saw yourself, you had the freedom to do something else. (some call that 'self remembering')

These moments are gifts. They're very hard to create, all we can do is be ready to receive the gift. We must want to wake up.

I'm glad you recognize it, because it really is a sacred moment. If free will is possible, it's only in moments like those.


What conditions do you think created the possibility for this moment?

[Con-troll]

Can I take this for Holy Nonsense?

Yes. Do as you please.

What conditions do you think created the possibility for this moment?

I struggled with this question for hours.

Something that has been leeching me for months ended/transformed into something else, so lots of energy was floating around. Then I went to a place while not expecting to get drunk and began drinking, while my brain was already partly in the next day, because I was supposed to see an old friend of mine pretty early in the morning. Lots of tiny, unusual things happened during the evening.

As much as the situation my overall mental state probably contributed to the moment. Much frustration, mania, lonliness, boredom and clarity during the week.

There was also this video about AI which kinda hit the spot.https://youtu.be/v9M2Ho9I9Qo

[Cramulus]

Jeanne de Salzmann (I think? or maybe Margaret Anderson?) said that organizing your life to intentionally create those conditions is a sacred process.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

First draft of the layout, what do you think?

[Con-troll]

First draft of the layout, what do you think?

The way the word "thinking" is stacked on top of another one of itself is a thing that tends to grab my attention from the text, but I don't know if everybody works that way.

The part with "sadly I didn't give those words a minute of thought" seems to be a bit out of context.

But the fonts and frames and backrounds are good, if that's what you were asking.

[Con-troll]

Jeanne de Salzmann (I think? or maybe Margaret Anderson?) said that organizing your life to intentionally create those conditions is a sacred process.

Wait... Doesn't that mean there's people running around creating those conditions for other people? That you could in theory make the whole waking up thing an industrialized process? Sell people placebo pills so people don't realise what is sold to them is actually a live action theatre around them designed to push them off the rails?

[altered]

Jeanne de Salzmann (I think? or maybe Margaret Anderson?) said that organizing your life to intentionally create those conditions is a sacred process.

Wait... Doesn't that mean there's people running around creating those conditions for other people? That you could in theory make the whole waking up thing an industrialized process? Sell people placebo pills so people don't realise what is sold to them is actually a live action theatre around them designed to push them off the rails?

Welcome to the origin of religion.