On the Subject of Birds

[altered]

Open Letter to the Outsourced Customer Service Fuckers

Your pitiful repeated failures can't stop my vengeance. Only the knowledge that I brought you down to my level and left you there, exactly the same as you did to me, that is the only thing that can stop me.

And you'll get yours, you rotten fuckers, oh yes, we have schemes and we have plans and we have a million shoes and a fraying rope holding them in place against the roof of the world.

I am not alone. One day you'll land us in the news and we'll show up with shovels and axes and Idaho won't know what to do.

We will brick you up alone in squat, loathsome pillars stretching from Boise to Boston, and your pleas for help will be ignored, exactly as you've done to the people we have to deal with after you're through with them.

Your day is coming, and HR will shun you.

[Doktor Howl]

What you have to remember is that every person has 3 guardian Spags.

On one shoulder, you have LMNO.  He's asking you if what you're doing is ethical. 
On the other shoulder, you have Doktor Howl, saying just do the thing.
On your third shoulder, the one you're not even AWARE of, you have P3NT saying "Heeee heee hooooooo".

[Fujikoma]

I don't know, I looked to one shoulder and heard "Know what I mean, Vern?", I'm considering having it amputated.

[Pergamos]

If I was legitimately derivative of you, I'd want to be shot into orbit before Tucson finished dragging me into the hot dark earth.

I've borrowed some stylistic flourishes, but there's no one I haven't borrowed a bit of the voice of.

This is the awesome part.  You borrow a bit from me.  I ripped off Warren Ellis.  Warren Ellis ripped off Hunter S Thompson, who himself ripped off H.L. Mencken, who HIMSELF ripped off Mark Twain, and Mark Twain ripped off old Ben Franklin, who in fact ripped off Voltaire.

This is how this is done.  Any writer who says they are an island is fooling themselves.  Unless they're that lady that wrote 50 shades of whatever, and that SHOWS that she had no influences.

50 shades started as twilight fanfic.

[Doktor Howl]

If I was legitimately derivative of you, I'd want to be shot into orbit before Tucson finished dragging me into the hot dark earth.

I've borrowed some stylistic flourishes, but there's no one I haven't borrowed a bit of the voice of.

This is the awesome part.  You borrow a bit from me.  I ripped off Warren Ellis.  Warren Ellis ripped off Hunter S Thompson, who himself ripped off H.L. Mencken, who HIMSELF ripped off Mark Twain, and Mark Twain ripped off old Ben Franklin, who in fact ripped off Voltaire.

This is how this is done.  Any writer who says they are an island is fooling themselves.  Unless they're that lady that wrote 50 shades of whatever, and that SHOWS that she had no influences.

50 shades started as twilight fanfic.

I took a little while and thought about it, and I was happier not knowing that.

[altered]

There's a hole right through it, like someone drove a fucking spike in the ground, you know, and didn't see what was right in front of them.

Greasy, probably two feet long, crawling with flies, how in the fuck they missed it I'll never know.

And I got curious, and I sort of angled my head like you do when you're toe to toe with offensive odor, and I looked down the hole. And what do you suppose I saw?

Nothing. The fucking void. Big as shit and ravenous.

I kept walking, because the traffic light turned and I had only ten minutes till lunch ended. I'll forget about it by tomorrow.

But suppose I didn't. Do you think I'd ever go digging in a rancid loaf like that, hoping to break through, let the void out? That I would wonder what lurks in roadkill chest cavities or month old Chinese food containers?

Do you think I'd look inside?

There's a hole in everything. And the other side is alive, big as shit, hungry.

But. Thing is. Question you gotta ask after a certain point is, are you looking into the hole, or peering out of it?

Would you have walked away? Could you have, in the way that really matters, in your head?

I'm starved.

[altered]

I read too much Kadrey and Barron in one go. That one's got their stains on it. Such is life.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

[altered]

They call it the last minute because it's the only minute that matters. Every other moment in time is wasted, no matter what you do. Only the last minute counts.

In the last minute, you are in free fall. And you can do anything.

[altered]

I have something frightening in the works. Watch this space.

[altered]

Attention Residents of Sol-3//Earth,

It is with deepest concern that we inform you of the escape of Her. She is a fugitive from Her own Doom, and should be considered unarmed but incredibly dangerous.

She was Doomed for the following Karmic Crimes:

Listening to bad music and liking it
Being homeless in public
Being a tranny freak in public
Running an unlicensed psychiatric care facility out of the back of Her own skull
Killing despair with a pick axe

There are no tips as to what She may look like. As She is a fugitive from Her own Doom, it is fair to assume that She will not appear homeless. It is also fair to assume She may not look like a tranny, and indeed may look like either gender as the occasion suits.

Despite the violent murder of despair, She is not thought to be a danger to the physical well-being of others. Her danger is inspiring similar, "copycat" acts of escape from Dooms large and small. Remember that your life is miserable for a reason and you should not try to better your circumstances. Escapees will be dealt with harshly and swiftly.

If captured, She will be made into an example, so that you will not try to follow Her. While normally this would be execution, She has grown too powerful and we will have to devise a solution for long-term containment.

For the time being, we advise all residents keep their head down, bury themselves in their numbing, meaningless life, and ignore any statements along the lines of "You are powerful if only you work together." All humans are islands, and cooperation is weakness. Do not band together, as this is to be considered the first step of an escape attempt from now on, to prevent recurrences of these terrible circumstances.

Again, She is Free and You are Not. She will be brought to justice, and if you can only listen, you will remain beneath notice. So who's really the lucky one here?

Signed,
—Ananke, Blind Necessary Fate of Sol-3//Earth.

[The Johnny]

https://img-9gag-fun.9cache.com/photo/a8GGwVY_460svav1.mp4

[Pergamos]

Free?  Nope,  I'm damn expensive.