Tales from the Cutting Edge

[Doktor Howl]

So I quit the biz.  I took a job as the facilities director at a mental hospital (who didn't see THIS coming), partly because I was getting bored, and partly because of The Thing getting loose, which severely tarnished (read: the vultures are circling) the company I was working for.

Also because I have turned over a new leaf.  I am a new man (You will politely ignore that I still have a consulting side gig in the biz).  No more shiny new war crimes, now I'm gonna HELP people.  So everyone stop screaming.

All I have to do is recruit a certain someone away from his gig in Connecticut and this will be perfect.  I start Monday.

We are going to do great things.  For crazy people.

[Pergamos]

So I quit the biz.  I took a job as the facilities director at a mental hospital (who didn't see THIS coming), partly because I was getting bored, and partly because of The Thing getting loose, which severely tarnished (read: the vultures are circling) the company I was working for.

Also because I have turned over a new leaf.  I am a new man (You will politely ignore that I still have a consulting side gig in the biz).  No more shiny new war crimes, now I'm gonna HELP people.  So everyone stop screaming.

All I have to do is recruit a certain someone away from his gig in Connecticut and this will be perfect.  I start Monday.

We are going to do great things.  For crazy people.

I can see this going very well, or very badly, but more likely both, at the same time, in ways that are currently hard to imagine but will be indelibly etched on our minds, once you regale us with the stories of your adventures.

[Doktor Howl]

Day 1, October 27th:

Initial impression:  Shop is a mess.  The maintenance manager is shouting into the face of some young lady wearing a tool belt.  The rest of the crew is sitting at a table playing cards.  Manager notices me and turns away from the young lady and askes, and I quote, "What the fuck do you want?"

At my own request, none of my departments were told that I was hired.  You tend to get a more honest view of people that way. Apparently, I got a *very* honest view of this collection of bad wiring.

Me:  "I'm the new facilities director, as you can see from my ID.  Your ID says you are Mike, the *current* maintenance manager."

Mike:  "..."

Me:  "Let's have a little chat in your office.  Young lady, what is your name?"

Laura:  "I'm Laura."

Me:  "And you are a maintenance tech?"

Laura:  "Yes."

Me:  "Then please go do maintenance things.  The rest of you lot do the same."

(In the office)

Mike:  "Sorry about that, you know how dud employees can be."

Me:  "Why, yes I do.  Now, please get your environment of care binders out and let's see where we are for the next inspection."

Mike:  "Um"

Me:  "Never mind.  Here they are.  What's this?  There is nothing in this binder."

Mike:  "We don't have time for that shit."

Me:  "Yes, that might interfere in the card game.  How long have you been here?"

Mike:  "Two years."

Me:  "So you have never been in a joint commission inspection?  The one that happens in 25 days?"

Mike:  "No."

Me:  "So you are unaware that our license is at stake?"

Mike:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "No, you absolutely do not have to take this shit.  Clock out, please.  HR will call you tomorrow for a chat."

Mike:  "You can't do this."

Me:  "I can.  I did."

Mike:  "I will go over your head.  You'll be out of here so fast your head will spin."

Me:  "Please do.  The CEO hired me.  Let me know how it goes.  Only later, because you're clocking out now."

Mike:  *swears a lot, leaves*

Walking outside, the entire crew, minus Laura, is in the smoking area.

I am going to enjoy this more than would be considered reasonable.

[Doktor Howl]

Laura, it seems, was plunging out a toilet that a patient had attempted to flush 2 rolls of toilet paper and a shoe.

Me:  "Laura, when you're done with this, I need to see you in my office."

(Later)

Laura:  "You wanted to see me?"

Me:  "Yes, come in, sit down."

Laura:  *looks nervous*

Me:  "Laura, I need a maintenance lead.  Since you seem to be the only one working, you're it.  Provided you want the pay that goes with it."

Laura:  "You know I just started a month ago."

Me:  "Yes, so you haven't been contaminated.  Your job from this point forward is to make the crew work.  You will move up two pay grades to <amount>."

Laura:  "What about Mike?  He's going to shit kittens.  He really doesn't like me."

Me:  "Who?"

Laura:  "The guy you hauled into the office."

Me:  "Don't worry about that.  He was just a bad dream you had."

Laura:  <side eye>

Me:  "You can look at me like I'm one of our patients all you like.  It might even be accurate.  But Mike will no longer be a noisy distraction to your workday.  Looking at your resume, you worked for your dad's general contracting firm for 6 years.  How did you handle working in that rather delicate situation?"

Laura:  "I told people to work or hit the road."

Me:  "See?  No problems.  Tomorrow morning I will make the announcement and you will distribute the work.  If there are any problems, handle them.  Assign the work as you see fit.  Send people home as you see fit.  If you have trouble handling them, I will be very disappointed, at which point I will handle the problem.  Feel free to tell them that you are the soft option.  In any case, I have a new maintenance manager starting in a few weeks.  If you have proven yourself, you will continue to be the lead.  Do we have an agreement?"

Laura:  "Yes.  But I feel like Dr Faust for some reason, except Mephistopheles is crazy."

Me:  "That's not inappropriate."

Laura:  "..."

Me:  "We are going to do great things."