Fuck you.

[trix]

Fuck you.

"It's not your fault."

Were you there?  Do you read minds?  Fuck you.

"You can't blame yourself."

Do you make the rules?  Of course I can.  Fuck you.

"You couldn't have known."

But I suspected.  I thought about it, considered it, and did nothing until it was too late.  I couldn't have known, but I could have acted.  Fuck you.

"She wouldn't want you to blame yourself."

You know that for a fact, do you?  Maybe you're right.  Unfortunately, she's dead, and therefore can't forgive me for failing her.  Fuck you.

"You have to move on."

Yeah?  Please give me the instructions to accomplish this.  Where is the fucking map?  Move on to what, anyway?  Fuck you.

"Time heals all wounds."

No, it doesn't.  The one-armed man isn't going to grow that arm back.  Some wounds are too big to heal, time can only teach us to live with them.  Also, I don't want to heal.   I'll pick that scab right off every damn time I catch one forming. Fuck you.

"You're lucky to be alive."

Maybe.  Maybe not.  Yeah, he only succeeded in killing her, and I was "saved" at the last minute, gasping for breath.  Lucky though?  That depends on how I feel about surviving it.  Right now, I don't feel lucky.  My life has become a nightmare.  "Could have been worse" is always true in all cases and not sufficient to feel Lucky.  Fuck you.

"You are a good person."

I know what I am better than you do.  I know everything I've done, as well as my mindset while doing them, and you do not.  You are not qualified to overrule me on this.  Fuck you.

"Life goes on."

Not for her.  Fuck you.

"She loved you."

...and I loved her.  That's the fucking problem.  Fuck you.

"I am here for you / anything you need."

Your obligatory execution of what you think you are supposed to say offends me.  Enrages me.  Makes me hate you.  What I need is a Do Over, but murder and death don't work that way.  In fact, you didn't even *like me* before this, so Fuck you.

"How are you doing?"

I fucking hate this question.  It drips with insincerity and banal pointless ritual.  It forces me to lie to make you comfortable, because the truth is not what you want to know.  Fuck you.

Fuck everyone.

[Faust]

Im struggling for what to say, perhaps nothing is best, but I dont want to leave what you've said unmarked.

This is the phrase we use, everything else is redundant and deminishes. Its formal, but I mean this truly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Doktor Howl]

This sounds pretty heavy.

Although I have not had to deal with the sort of thing you're talking about, I agree with your sentiment in every. Single.  Detail.

[trix]

It's just, maximum fucked.

And everyone tells me they can see the despair and grief on my face every day but they're wrong.

There's probably a huge pile of emotions underneath but on top of all of them, overriding them all, drowning everything else out, is heavy powerful rage.

The calm, slow, considered, depressed appearance is not sadness, it's control.  Because what is inside of here is murderous.

I've never ever considered revenge justified.  I've never believed in it, and viewed it as petty.

I have changed my mind.  If a certain scumbag murderer were not already locked away and safe from me, I absolutely would kill him and I would take my time doing it.

I know it's not healthy to fantasize about torturing another human being as often as I do, and it kills me that I have let him change me so completely, and I recognize that my thoughts these days would have horrified the innocent fucking moron I was before, but there is nothing else in life I want more than for that one specific piece of shit to suffer horribly and then die.

Unfortunately, Wisconsin does not have the death penalty.  Which is something I used to be proud of, and now really regret.

[trix]

Though the death penalty isn't enough.  I want to do it myself.  I want him to see my face and know I am the one hurting and killing him.  I want him to know that it is me, who considered him a brother, who protected and carried him for 30 fucking years through his endless stupidity and irresponsibility, who always had his back no matter what it cost me and what I had to sacrifice for him.  I want him to fully understand that the only person in this life that was always on his side, that did more for him than I've ever even HEARD of one person doing for another, is the person ending him.

I have learned that nobody, literally fucking nobody, can truly be trusted.  That the person you are the most absolutely sure of can, for no fucking reason at all, do the most utterly evil fucked up heinous shit to the ones you love.  I have learned that karma is a bullshit concept invented by idealistic fuckwits that lack perspective.  I have learned a lot from that fucking worm, and I desperately want to show him what I've learned.