Survival Guides (I will Survive!)

[Bharlion]

I used to work for a news paper before they fired me because I was "insane" this was one of my favorite pen name characters, a crotched british veteran that had fought in every single major world conflict since WWII. I don't know if he is still funny, when ever I am depressed and talking to the walls I open up some of his old "survival" guides and laugh my self to sleep. This was published as a monthly serial in a university newspaper during 2005-2006. I posted three of my favourites here for your pleasure.


Global Domination in a Nutshell
Chadwick Wizibotum

   Hallo Chaps! Chadwick here, I was asked by a kind gent to write a different kind of article for a change. Now this to me is like suggesting not fighting wars over precious resources. Anyways I decided I would try my hand at this nonsense and perchance pass on my knowledge of how to rule the world. Now mind you this works in practice but not in theory, or was it the other way around? Either way I have finally accumulated enough tips from those who rose and fell over the years to write a condensed guide on how to climb that mountain of death that is ruling the world.
   Strangelove: Learn to love the bomb. If you  have the bomb doing whatever you please is much easier than you can imagine. In debt? Pay them back in ICBM's! Angry? Take it out on southern hemisphere! Depressed? Take it out on northern hemisphere. Bored? Randomly choose a city and turn it into a smoked glass sphere with three simultaneous nuclear strikes. After the smoke clears and fallout ends the people will be begging you to rule them! Just remember, the bomb is a fickle hellcat. And as such don't trust it too commies. Damn Commies.
   Army of One: Now remember, when it comes to making an empire of global domination you have to rely on your own creativity. But it helps to have some help. Gather up some like minded individuals like mad scientists, outlaw dictators, exiled royalty, or news paper editors to help devise your scheme of world domination. The more colorful the crew the better. Make sure to have at least one very large eunuch henchman who never speaks. Reminds me of my days in Syria in '85 we had these scary guys from the south who never spoke and used only knives, damn they could sneak. What were they called? Damn memory.
   Beyond Good: Don't worry about being loved. Being feared will give you the same rush. Sort of like when we had to extract the location from a nosy reporter in the '95 boy did we give him a scare. Never felt so randy in my life! Except for this one time in 2001 when we had to test out a new combat drug that had a very pleasant side-effect. Goodness, it must have been fourteen hours before we calmed down. Just remember, the best thing a ruler can hope for is that children are scared to sleep with stories of them a hundred years from their fall.
   Speak no Evil: Don't say anything bad. Never state your true intention. This is the fatal flaw in all plans. If someone else knows your plan then it is not a plan anymore. It is just a fancy puzzle for the enemy to figure out. So don't fall for this. Make them not know what is going to happen next. Never say anything incriminating and if someone plants a tape recorder in your office and keeps record of your conversations with double agents then make sure you are enrolled in an playwriting class so you can claim it was all just a strange scene you were rehearsing.
    Love and War: Love is the only reason men fight wars. And since love conquers all then you will do well to find some one to love. No, you need someone to love. I myself have a dear person that I do cherish and love. Oh how her hair blows in the summers air, how her eyes dance when she is firing an AK-47 into the air wildly. Or was that a dream. Regardless. Make sure you have someone to love.
   Victors Write History: Don't worry about what you have to do to win. Just make sure you win. Sort of like what we used to do back in '83 when things got bad. Gather up witness' and arrange for a tragic fire. The Egyptians never recorded a defeat so you shouldn't either. Just think of them as lessons as to better know your enemy. Or a waste of life and resources, but what road wasn't paved with blood.
   Multiply and Conquer: Don't try to scatter your foe and stomp them out like so many rats, rather let them unite against you! Let them come to your gates, open up your gates, welcome the foe in, let them believe you to be defeated. Back when I was young and dumb in '72 we called it an ambush. They always fell for it. Remember, you know your land better than any invader. Use this to your advantage, send your invader home weeping and sputtering to explain their defeat! Then once they return broken it is time for the counter attack, sweep across their lands like a black wind of death bringing pain and destruction to all who oppose. Sort of like that rubbish down in the old country when the commies formed a party, damn commies.
   The End: The end is inevitable. Don't worry how it happens just don't get killed by a mob and dragged through the streets to be spit on. Go out in style. Riding a nuclear missile or drug fueled fire fight,. Delicious drugs. Just don't go quietly into the night. Make sure you make a fair sized crater or take out at least double your age in attackers. It's a good way to go if you don't just slump over and die, get at least a few last words in if you can. Just don't use 'I'll be back-' because you won't.
   Either way chaps, that's bout all! Hope you enjoyed that as much as I have, myself it was like a slow midnight raid on the beach with a full moon in scuba gear. Either way take care my lovely pupils and remember to aim for the left eye in New World Order agents, their identity chip is located here. So remember, shoot first, ask questions later and always take care, watch your hair.
   Now go be a hero!


A Survivor's Guide to War


   Ah'ello Chaps! It is your loyal informant Chadwick Wizilbotum. I was pondering something profound that one my colleagues said to me when he was deliriously rambling after being shot with a tranquilizer dart. It was back in '83 he said something like 'Hubbersfield happy a no is jump' but I really dug deeply into what he said and realized the meaning of life during that evening. Unfortunately we were heavy into the brandy and I forgot what it was the next morning and he died a few days later because of a double-crossing Swedish guide. Damn Sweden. I decided that I would help you my dear readers to not suffer his fate and write you a survivors guide to something that I love more than my guns, medals, my rabbit Cuddles, and cat Boots combined.
   Don't get hurt: The key to surviving is not to die. It is as easy as that. Don't get shot, don't step on landmines, don't get ambushed and the whole thing will pass like a bout of bad gas. That is unless you are a grenadier, we had a saying about grenadiers, not a lot of brains among them, but a lot of brains on them. Death is the leading cause of not surviving a war, along with prostitutes, drugs and dealing with men in red suits. Damn commie devils. Live through the war and you  may well survive.
   Nuclear War: It is very easy to survive. Make sure you are not alive in the era which it takes place. Failing this, the best way to survive a nuclear attack is to not be in the direct blast or fallout area. If you are caught in the blast and fallout area, duck and cover! Inside of your lead shielded bunker three hundred and fifty feet beneath the earth. If your lucky it won't be a dirty bomb and you can go outside and start cleaning up in two or three days, otherwise plan ahead and bring some members of the opposite sex then start planning your new family! We did this back in '97 when we thought Uzbekistan got a hold of thirty intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles. Turned out it was just some Satanist doomsday cult, boy our faces were red six months later when we had knocked up all of our breeding partners!
   Fiends and All Lies: Allies and enemies change with the wind. Reading some Machiavelli will help you understand how to better exploit obvious weakness in them. While the enemy of your enemy may be your friend, the enemy of your friend does not have to be your enemy, infect with enough suitcases full of rare war loot you can establish a good working relationship with said enemy. Much better than that free loading ally, complaining is all I ever hear from them  'I want help on the war front' 'my troops are dying from a mysterious disease' and that ever so pathetic 'I want to end this terrible war.' Damn free loading allies.
   Karma Chameleon: Sometimes things go bad, really bad back in 2002 we had thirty three tankers of biocion-8G chemical nerve gas go missing. Turned an entire platoon of elite troops into a something like melted cheddar. Damn Cheese. What a mess. Make sure that when things go to ruin you have a eject button, it doesn't matter what it is. I have mine, it's a little red button beside my red phone and bowl of Skittles. Delicious Skittles. It can be anything that gets the heat off of you when the revolution comes. Just make sure you have it, never leave home with out a plan B-X.
   War never changes: When it boils down to the heart of it. We need war, its good for business and keeps my pockets full of gold. What is good for the M&M corporation is good for you! Think of all we have gotten from war! Look around your house. I don't know how many times I need to point this out. You don't honestly think any peace loving country would need a toaster oven with a built in radio? So keep the machine well oiled and do your part, whatever it is! Some of us fight on the front lines, others point who the enemy is, some maintain the missile silos or keep the pacifier robots maintained for when operation Full Moon is initiated. Regardless, we need it like you need air, unless of course you believe in that whole 'peace' thing in which case, you should stop breathing my air.
   War as a whole is best described as a game of 'hungry, hungry hippos' or chess. Either way the best way to get through it is to win and live. Also to castle your king before red hippo can gobble up all the marbles! Damn red commie hippos. Anyways, until next time this is your compassionate companion Chadwick Wizilbotum reminding you that when confronted corrupt government officials in the pay of the New World Order to locate the nearest exit and flee the scene before they can call in interrogation agents. All right that's all chaps and remember to remember this week.
   Now go be a hero!


Survivors Guide to the Holidays

   Ah hallo chaps! Chadwick Wizilbotum here again. Bad news got a hold of me and it was off to exotic Yemen for two weeks. While down there I worked on this article, but lost the first copy after an EMP pulse destroyed my computer's hard drive. But I was back in time for the holidays and to write this one! Much to my discomfort may I mention. You see. coming home for the holidays can be alike soft pressure torture. Painful, slow, and will cause anyone to crack. While this guide may be too late for some of you, I assure you the delay that caused the article to be this late was the only real viable excuse on this planet. Communism. Damn commies.
   Mass Transport: With fuel prices continuing to skyrocket, I have been forced to abandon my beloved and well worn form of transport a M1A2 Abrams Tank, in favor of public transit. I admit, Carpooling with civilians and taking the 'Bus' has been a change from driving with impunity over any obstacle. It has been a lesson in humility and in economic sense. If your friends are traveling home and they are in the same area. Travel together! Strength in numbers. Except back in '87 when me and three other veteran mercenaries held off three platoons of New World Order soldiers. Great Richards Crown that was a lot of blood. Like third act of the Scottish play. Egads!
   Diplomacy: After returning home you may be grilled for information. Hopefully no hot pokers inserted under fingernails but times being what they are, it would not surprise me. If you are still an angelic pure innocent virgin in the eyes of your family, do not shatter this illusion. It is the most cruel thing you can do to a person aside the ancient and deadly torture of the Qatar Old Guard. So by all means do not enlighten them about any 'misadventures' because for all those fools know you have just spent the every night for the past month in the library studying and doing homework.
   Business & Pleasure: Some of us have to work for a living. For some of us it is easy sending of suitcases filled with confidential rocket plans to secret operatives in Finland. Others have to spend working overtime in a sweatshop making sweatpants for the Denmark Olympic track team. Regardless some of us spend the holidays working. It is all right, just don't get depressed or go 'Bunker Barmy' as we called it back in '77 when we were trapped for six months in that postmodernist nightmare. If you feel like you are getting depressed then do something fun! Listen to some Polka! Pick up a good book! One night stands! Consume massive amounts of narcotics mixed with copious amounts of alcohol! Set fire to the communist manifesto and throw it through a local red's window! Go for dinner alone and give the waitress a jade eagle in addition to the tip! All these things can make the some what soul numbing experience of working over the holidays more tolerable.
   Bacchus: Drinking helps whether you returned home or not. Because face it, you can have a lot more fun while rip roaring flabbergasted drunk then while sober. In addition you remember a lot less of what those wretched guilt trip spewing cretins have to say. 'I don't like how you dress.' 'I think you should study this.' 'Why are you wasting our money.' 'Is that a Bar-code Tattoo on the back of your neck.' 'Your face is on the most wanted list.' Believe me, you better off remembering nothing more than a regret of mixing Scotch and Orange Juice.
   Merry Old War: Staying away from home is always an option. Make some excuse! Inform them that its not because you hate them and their self righteous condemnation for detonating a tactical thermonuclear device in a civilian center. But for some perfectly excuseable reason, like communism. Judge not lest ye be judged! Damn commie uncles. Tell them what they want to hear, that you are being involved in a twisted web of betrayal and conspiracy involving the British monarchy.  Don't worry they will never catch on unless you make up something impossible that wouldn't happen, like your doing an assignment for school or something just as ridiculous.
   So remember chaps, during the holidays the best policy is to do what feels right. Don't worry about what your damn tree hugging commie uncles think about what you are doing with your life. After all it is your life to live. Or die, because that happens too, especially when surrounded by damn commies! No really I do hate commies in case you couldn't tell. Almost as much as those damn Freemasons, Illuminati, and New World Older people. Won't let me join your damn clubs? Well we will see who is laughing when I am in charge because I will be! HA-ha! Ha! So take care, be safe. And when extracting information from an agent of the New World Order use a jaw vice to keep him from biting down on his cyanide filled tooth.
   Now go be a hero!

[Bharlion]

Here are another 3 more. For your viewing Pleasure.

Survivor's Guide to Bad Classes
Chadwick Wizilbotum

   Hey there chaps! Chadwick your good correspondent here! Lovely weather I have been having here in sunny Bermuda! I was going through some boring meetings with the general here and it reminded me of classes in university. Some of which I absolutely abhorred. But I found some ways to struggle through them. Because sometimes you are too heavily invested into a situation too pull out when the going gets tough. Like back in 2002 when we ended up having to fight a battalion of freedom fighters with WWII rifles after a packing slip error on our weapons drop off. Never seen so many antiques put too use. But goodness boys we gave them one for! Either way, here is my survivors guide to bad classes.
   Pride and Prejudice: If you are not sure about a validity of a comment you are going to say to the class remember that your pride is only more dangerous than your prejudices. If you happen to hate communists, then don't speak up if you are in a class full of red commie devils. Damn commies. It is just good taste. Be like a ghost. Just do the class get out and forget the whole experience like a bout of bloody vomit.
   Front Row Freaks: No matter how tempting it may be to cut down a fellow class mate who is terribly wrong. Do not. This is the professor's job. I remember having a professor who would often say 'You could say that, but you would be wrong' to such students. This quickly quashes fools banter faster than a quick deep slice through the larynx with a K-bar combat knife.
   Strawberry Fields: Some people have no intonation in their voice. It is nothing to make fun of. And while this is boring it is also very hazardous to your performance in class. Monotone voices are one of the leading causes to acute narcolepsy. If your professor is one of these types, bring a translator who understands Monotone. Damn translators. If a translator is not feasible use a tape recorder, this will also be useful if you have trouble sleeping.
   Bill Bribery: When all else fails bribery works. Seriously. Simply fill a large suitcase with small denomination unmarked bills, then deliver it to the professors place of residence. Bad marks will disappear faster than Jimmy Hoffa. If they are of outstanding moral integrity then you should consider acquiring black mail material. Finally should these other two methods fail maybe you should have spent your time studying.
   Stud Finders: Strength in numbers! Reminds me of backing '86 when we had to lob grenades at rebel lobster fishermen. Damn Lobsters. Find the keeners in your classroom and leech off their intellect by forming study groups with them. Unless they are the irritating know it all kind of keeners, then kidnap them and extract the information like we did back in '81 when we use feathers to get the rocket plans from a soviet spy. Damn Soviets.
   Cut the Chatter: Some fellows mistake the class for a social outing. There are many ways to silence this. The most effective is scorpions from the Gobi desert. If you cannot acquire scorpions then ask them nicely before ordering a tactical nuclear strike on their location. Only as a last resort should you ask the professor. Or was it the other way around? Never mind on to the final point!
   Peace Happens: Everyone has a bad run in with chance. All varying circumstances may make what should be an easy course become ridiculously hard. Just try to run with the punches. Not literally though, failure is not an option. While I do not agree with Mister Horatio Alger's solution to such circumstances I prefer a more creative way to succeed at difficult tasks. Especially if the creative solution involves thermo-nuclear weapons. Delicious thermo-nuclear weapons. Regardless you can try to just do your best and avoid being distracted by malignant factors but I really don't recommend this. Do something creative! Avoid a presentation by throwing a smoke bomb and escaping in the confusion! Anything but having to do the actual work.
   Well that is that my lovely chaps! As for me I have another exciting adventure ahead so I must bid you adieu as I have to pack my bag with plenty of delicious skittles and find a sitter for my cat. So stay safe and keep your eyes open for my 'Survivor's Guide to Love' coming soon this February. Anyways keep your eyes peeled, stay frosty and under no circumstances should you work with a New World Order agent unless you have at least seven back up plans. Name them randomly, like B52 or ZX99 that way they will think you have more than just seven and will not betray you as quickly. That's all then.
   Now go be a hero!
   
   Survivor's Guide to Roommates   
   Hallo chaps! This is Chadwick Wizilbotum. Let us get the introductions out of the way so we might get down too brass tacks. First off may I congratulate you on reading thus far, not many folk venture into the survivor guides that I write. Mind you my last work, a survivors guide to nuclear holocaust has yet to be published. thirty-five years in the army and three major wars and yet nobody seems to listen. I was recently recounting my carefree days at the academy. I then decided would pass on my knowledge that I acquired on dealing with unpleasant roommates.
   It's the little things that kill: this is equally true whether you are getting to know your new roommates or slowly poisoning your captor's water supply while trapped behind enemy lines. It is those little things like not putting things back in their place, leaving empty cans laying around, whistling at three in the morning, eating all the food and blaming the rabbit (even though you don't have one) and of course the not passing on phone messages. Just remember everyone makes mistakes, except when it comes to publishing, where every grammatical error and speling mistake is meant to happen, like fate.
   Rationing Rare Rations: Remember an army fights on its stomach. This is equally true when it comes to problems with roommates, if they say don't eat something they paid for, then don't eat it. You have never seen true fight to the bitter end until you have tried to pry a can of coke-a-cola from the dying hands of a jet pilot. By Churchill's Cigar that was a lot of blood.
   Global Thermonuclear War: Face it, sometimes things get out of hand, like back in '87 when we lost a warhead for four months and it turned up in a poker game in Reno. Sometimes you face unsurpassable differences. For example, when they are caught engaging in liberty X on your bed, hoodwinking your valuables, or turning into a werewolf every full moon. These big problems usually have to be settled by a long unpleasant but necessary talk. Bring tissues, not for the tears but to make bandages with duct tape should it turn ugly.
   Drugs, Sex and Rock & Roll: Remember these three things drive more roommates apart than any other. Loud music while they are studying for a midterm is an invitation for trouble. As is loud bed bouncing and earsplitting liberty X. Drunken debauchery or numerous nightly narcotic 'me times' in a 'square' house is also an invitation for a visit from the argument fairy. I always remember this simple rhyme 'As much fun as psychedelic pharmaceuticals maybe, it is just not some people's cup of tea.' As for sex, having things go awry after a few wild nights may put a black cloud over the rest of the semester so exercise extreme caution. Or simply have bunker built like we did in '87 stocked with thirty-three years worth of supplies so that you can just wait the whole thing out.
   The Code: Finally there is the 'Code' as exercised by ALL roommates who know of the code. Now I am not allowed to enlighten you what this code is but it involves things like having codes to each other so you don't have to say certain things. These codes can be like knocking three times and saying 'ax murderer' before entering a room, hanging pieces of clothing on the door knobs to indicate an event of some kind and of course the ever popular act of leaving a horses head inside your roommates bed to show displeasure in their refusal of a generous offer.
   That is all then chaps! So remember your roommates are valuable allies in the war against the godless foe, I mean why else would you put up with those wretched allies unless you were fighting someone really awful? Like back when we worked with that Satanist cult in '92 to bring down some communists, lots of blood but it will be all worth it in the end my friends! War maybe hell, but guns, glory, blood and medals are all that matters good chaps! So wait for my next article when I will outline the details of a survivor's guide to infiltrating a shadow government. So remember students, be safe, be smart and if a man in a black suit asks you for directions subdue him with a jugular pinch before checking his possessions for gold pieces stamped with New World Order's seal. Then you can move in on their sinister plans. This is Chadwick Wizilbotum saying farewell chaps!
Now go be a hero!


A survivor's guide to a night on the town

   Hallo chaps! This is Chadwick Wizilbotum. Let us get the introductions out of the way so we might get down too brass tacks. My last work was a lovely success, chaps! As such I have decided to publish this massive guide to surviving a night on the town. This article is dedicated to all those who have had a less than satisfactory night out. It's usually during when you are having a good time when you are in fact exposed to the most danger. Back in '94 we were airdropped into Las-Vegas to eliminate a casino owner who had been trading uranium to a now deceased editor of the Meliorist. We were gambling for hours but then his assassins got the drop on us, lost half a squad getting out of that mess. Anyways, I am getting off topic. This guide will be your 'need to know' list of all hazards that await you in the night.
   Alright men, this part is yours!
   Beware Man-eaters - To be safe at night we haven't got much to worry about. Save for tigers! By Macarthur's Pipe! I hate tigers. If you are not wanting attention from Tigers or any other member of the man-eating feline family like cougars. Make eye contact but not stare, make yourself look bigger than you really are and while slowly backing away while showing no fear. If possible wear a mask with eyes on the back of your head so they cannot sneak up on you.
   Be Prepared – This old saying from the boy-scouts holds more and more weight these days. Make sure to have a Designated Driver set up if your going to get flabbergasted, a alternate way home, and of course bring a 'Raincoat' incase you meet a bunkmate. Ah yes and 'Know your limit' nobody likes a blabbering drunkard that throws up all over the party goers and sets his hands on fire with a flash-bang.
   Vikings and Bears – Nobody likes a troublemaker. Be prepared for rowdy drunkards. If possible have a clear escape route. Or in this 7.62mm H&K Caws Mini-Gun to MAKE a clear path to freedom, we could have used those back in Uzbekistan. Damn commies.
   Fishing – Gents there are lots of fish and sea. Amongst them there however there lurk squid, octopi, crabs, poisonous puffer fish, hammer-head sharks, barracuda, electric eel, Japanese man-o-war, and of course the nefarious candtru (that's the small Amazon fish that swims up your urethra) It's a bit like that time we had to make that entire town disappear and then find replacement agents for two weeks while our target returned home. Actually, could the editor delete that last part? My backspace is broken.
   Alright Ladies, this part is yours!
   Never leave your drink alone – I feel if more people were facing mortal danger when ever they left food or drink alone for more than five milliseconds this would not be a problem. It's like a combat zone out there. You cannot leave your drink alone. Anyone of those so called 'bar goers' could be bent on drugging you and then dragging you back to their hide-out so they can torture and extract the rocket plans from you. Trust no one especially the waiters with phony French accents.
   Reinforcements – Make sure your friends are there before you pay a cover charge or otherwise enter. Have a ride planned should things go bad. Like the jaguar they look for the lone stragglers before they attack from a treetop biting down on the spinal column and severing the nervous system.
   Buffer Zone – Make sure you have distance between you and any undesirables. The best ways to keep unwanted hands from attempting to grope you is distance, friends, or better yet a vicious looking Maori Warrior from New Zealand with facial tattoos.
   Guard your Goods – You know what I mean. Keep these protected better than a convoy loaded with a shipment of those new G-76 Anti-Personnel Lasers. Do not leave yourself open for unwanted touching. Never put up with it either if you receive any, make sure your do something. It doesn't matter what. Call security, call for friends, or should the situation dictate; call the HQ for an air strike.
   Forty-Four Swinging Door – Don't be this. Don't accept drinks or other things from people you have no interest. Don't use looks or innuendo to achieve this. Unless you have to get them drunk and frame them for the murder of a missing drug Czar, in which case you must continue on by any means necessary. Damn commies.
   The night is combat zone, so beware! It is for these reasons that I now drink alone in my bunker most nights. Watching the NORAD radars for any suspicious objects coming over the soviet lines. Damn Commies. Either way next time I will cover the intricacies of decoding New World Order secret messages, so remember be safe, be smart and when using a black light to find the hidden messages on the inside of cereal boxes remember to wear white latex gloves so it's easier to see what your doing.
   Now go be a hero!

[Bharlion]

This is all of them. Thanks for all the fish!


A Survivor's Guide to All Hallows Eve.

   Ah hallo chaps! Chadwick Wizilbotum here again. I was recently in the old country for a few weeks and realized it was that time of year. The best time of year in my humble opinion, a time when life turns to death, light fades and darkness prevails. Reminds me of the seventies but with less communists and more Satanists. Damn Commies. Halloween, no matter what your local New World Order controlled authorities say it is the most dangerous night of the year. Human sacrifice cults, evil monsters, rowdy teenagers, and communists all make this one night of year very deadly. So this here my dear friends is a guide to safe guard you all, no matter what hazard you may run into!
   Meddling Kids: No matter what your status is in your community it only takes a few meddling kids with three cartons of eggs and nine rolls of toilet paper to turn your house to complete ruin. I have tried to recommend several measures to the city hall insure this will never happen to me again, however I have found only personal action can stop this from happening. Simply invite the said teenagers into your home, give them some beer laced with Rohypnol. Next you take them into the interrogation chamber and employ the ancient and painful slow torture of the Papa New Guinea pygmy tribes. It leaves no marks so nobody will believe them when they leave. All you need is a package of frozen peas (beans and corn work too) an elastic band and a gallon of hot water. This will ensure that those wretched meddling kids never set foot towards your humble home again. If you don't have any of these materials or don't believe in torture then you can just buy a hacksaw and go to town on them. If all else fails then take the easy way out and scary decorations around your yard, leave the lights on and put a scary carved orange vegetable on your doorstep. That should keep the meddling kids away. Damn meddling kids!
   Scary Movies: Going out is dangerous. I have gone over this many times. During this night of nightmares, doubly so. So make sure to be dressed up in a scary outfit so nobody recognizes you as a target. Who is targeting you is part of the mystery of Halloween, mysterious like how those honor role kids get so instantly dumb into those slash flicks. The best way to think of it like an acting class; good acting means you live, bad acting means you die by the hands of chainsaw wielding maniacs or a press gang.  Damn media. Either is bad. Even talking to people is dangerous. So if forced into conversation use your best Vincent Price or Elvira impression. Its like the old code talk we used back in '78 when we were in Ireland, except we thought we were in the USSR! So the seven weeks of dialect training really backfired when we tried to infiltrate the IRA. Never shot so many shells in so few minutes. Well, Except for that time when I had drank half a quart of bourbon and tried to show the boys the proper use of an H&K 7.62mm Artillery Cannon. Think of Halloween as a sort of paranoia day, trust nobody, act strangely, and if the experience becomes too soul numbingly intense then simply take some Memo-X and go to bed. Fail to do this? Expect to not make it through the night.
   Music of the Night: Music is a prime source of safety. We learned that back in '95 when we had 'I will Survive' blaring during a midnight raid, twenty men held one hundred and thirty off until the song ended. Mind you were they were slaughtered after ward, but that was because of Stealer's Wheel 'Stuck in the Middle with you' started playing. Damn One Hit Wonders. Making sure you have Halloween themed music will prevent nocturnal attackers from seeing your home as a target, after all only real monsters would listen to techno remixes of 'Monster Mash' and 'Thriller' on loop. Just remember under no circumstances should you EVER play anything by 'Rage Against the Machine'. Not because it will make fish-hook wielding psychos slice your friends to pieces, because they are against the system and thus so, communists. Damn Commies. But choose some good music and  the night will pass with out worry.
   A new beat and some good acoustics, I could change the world.
   Elder Gods: I spent nine months chasing after an authentic copy of the Necronomican to trade to a Cthulhu cult for one of our high ranking generals back. When we finally got the poor bastard back he was gibbering about rats inside of walls and all kinds of other rubbish. Had no choice to but to put him down. We learned an important lesson that day, never trade high ranking officers for forbidden texts of archaic knowledge. Ever. So make sure you do this doubly so on Halloween, for every person you don't trust make sure you don't trust them twice! Just to be sure! As for things that go bump in the night I will now officially make my statement. Nothing outside the ordinary happens on Halloween, so don't keep any recording devices around in case your mind plays a trick on you. Another thing, under no circumstances should you have sexual intercourse on Halloween, the child that results from this WILL be the anti-Christ.
   Well that is all you need to know about surviving Halloween. Stay heavily armed, stay loaded, and don't fall asleep or you won't wake up. I think of Halloween as a merry little war that happens every year, for one night. Sort of like that mess down in the Falkland islands. Except no penguins. I hate penguins. Damn Penguins. So remember chaps! Nothing can ever steal the spirit of Halloween, except for the Grinch. Greedy green damn bastard.
   Now go be a hero!

A Survivor's Guide to Travel
Chadwick Wizilbotum

   Hallo Chaps! Your comrade in arms here! Chadwick Wizilbotum. I was told to write something about traveling. Now I have been to every single country in the world because of some conflict of another. Now most of you will not have this opportunity. Unless you are fighting communism, which appears everywhere that the red menace can spread its dissenting taint. Damn commies. Regardless, I have picked up some ways to keep yourself in one piece when traveling abroad. I have thinned out the less handy tips like when leaving an embassy being overrun by the locals have a photographer on the ground to take an 'memorable' photograph of your retreat. Damn pictures. Anyways, here you are my dear chaps! All my finest!
    Trust No One: This very simple credo can save yourself much grief. Don't leave your bags unattended, especially when they are packed with the head of a drug czar from Cambodia. Things can get ugly very quickly. So never ever rely on help from strangers, unless they are at gun point. Then you can go on some of what they say. The only time you can ever completely trust someone is after depriving them of sleep for a week. They will do ANYTHING to get sleep, even hand over the rocket plans.
   Plan X-L-B: Have lots of back up plans, should things go bad. And they do, more often than not a week on leave to northern Ireland will turn into a bloodbath of intrigue. Make sure you have outside help, reinforcements are nice. Especially Swiss ones that hire out and are capable of using heavy artillery. Don't believe what the locals say about certain places, chances are, they are trying to kill you. Be sure to have a 'Houdini plan' incase you run out of funds and need to get away from angry tab waving bar owners.
   Ready & Reliability: The AK-47 is the only thing that communism brought to this world that is not evil. The AK-47 is more durable than some soldiers. It can be trusted when your fancy gadgetry is broken or 'crashed' and while myself I rely on my trusty snipers rifle when things get dicey I have been saved many times by this wonderful invention. If your not sure about a certain travel agency do not go with them. You could well wake up inside of a shipping crate full of rats in Somalia. Damn rats.
   Get Ahead: Plan your trip, make sure you know how you will get from A-B. Having a map with an X drawn on it only leads to trouble. Like back in '89 we had to go from some bombed out bunker in Siberia to a informant in Moscow in a 72 hours to save the free world. After a lot of improvising and some interpretive dance on the slow train out of Siberia we made it. A very serious mission yes, but still some planning and we would have been able to have known there was a plane landing at out drop off zone two hours after we left. Don't end up like we were, kissing each other in front of guards to avoid being shot. Plan ahead to get ahead.
   Don't Burn: Literally or metaphorically this is good advice. Setting fire to the locals will bring unwanted harassment from their relatives, even if it was their fault to get in front of a flamethrower. Not tipping will get you a bad case of food poisoning. If something seems fishy then don't go with it, nothing is worse than that quality time we so often get to spend thinking about the which error it was that had gotten us tied to a wooden chair in a basement in Mexico city with a car battery attached to our hands. Remember the rules of Las Vegas. Tip big, don't burn the locals and everything should be fine.
   One day: Don't do this, one day never comes. Go enjoy and see the world. Paris is a sight if your not too busy looking out for Turkish assassins. So do it! Take the plunge. Spend some money and see some of the world outside of that little fish bowl world those damn dirty commies want you to live in! Damn dirty commies.
   Well that is all chaps! Jolly good! If this guide prevents just one of you, my beloved pupils from being dumped over the side of a ship into shark infested waters. Then all this typing has been worth it. As for me it is off to exotic Madagascar to retrieve a briefcase from some psychotic New World Order bastard. Damn New World Order. So keep safe, stay strong and remember that the new world order has sleepers everywhere, you cannot be sure who is really on your side until the moment of truth. Either that or I am paranoid. Boulderdash! Regardless, I only have a few hours left at home before I depart so take care keep safe and don't be afraid of anything.
   Now go be a hero!

I like this and dislike that
Chadwick Wizilbotum

   Hey there chaps! Chadwick here. After a few weeks in counseling, I had been told by my chaplain that I cannot continue to hate almost everything except war. 1 have taken it to heart and he suggested a ridiculous exercise involving list making. Damn chaplain. Something about instead of using strong words like 'love' or 'hate' I use words like dislike and like. After being abroad in Iraq hunkered inside of a bunker listening to the constant gunfire outside I realized something, I really do not enjoy the smell of gunpowder in the morning. I didn't hate the smell of gun powder, I just preferred other smells, like Napalm. Delicious napalm. Which I do adore, the smell of napalm is kind of like petroleum. It struck me to write a list of things that I like and things that I dislike. So I started too it! Here you are chaps! The finished product is here, for you. Things I adore and things abhor.
   Adore:
   I dislike communists.
   I dislike the taste of failure.
   I dislike large dogs that make noise when I am trying to sleep.
   I dislike overcooked food.
   I dislike children, if I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I can boots on my cat.
   I dislike the UN, they are bunch of New World Order pawns if you ask me.
   I dislike ugly looking babies, and if your baby is ugly then don't ask others if it is beautiful. It forces people to lie to you.
   I dislike people who talk about things they do not know about or those who make uneducated claims expecting others too care.
   I dislike smelly things like old socks, smoldering rubber and rubbish bins.
   I dislike celebrities, lousy peace loving hippies.
   I dislike damn communists.
   I dislike people who make fun of pointy mustaches.
   I dislike people who point out mistakes.
   I dislike music written after the 1996.
   I dislike ketchup on eggs.

   Abhor:
   I like war.
   I like long walks on the beach, listening to music by the fire side, and drinking heavily.
   I like blue Jolly Ranchers, they are so delicious.
   I like my cat, he is a soft kitty that meows when he wants food.
   I like skittles, especially the tropical ones. I feel as if I am sitting in the Caribbean when I eat those delicious little ones.
   I like people who have pleasant faces and clean fingernails.
   I like cheeses, puddings, and other home cooked foods.
   I like mind-expanding psychedelic pharmaceuticals.
   I like nuclear weapons they make war so easy: Point and click.
   I like burritos, except when they explode in the microwave.
   

[Bharlion]

The Survivors guide to love. Har har!

The Survivor's Guide to Love
Chadwick Wizilbotum

   Hallo Chaps! Back from my exotic escapade once more just in time for the most wretched time of year in the northern Hemisphere, Valentines day. The day when all those lovely doting couples shower each other with gifts and ungodly affection. Bleach! Give me three more months in the jungle I begged my commander, just don't send me home to face the happy couples. But alas, here I am. I have had my fair share of affairs and liaisons. However I regret none of these escapades. Save for one. I once made love to a neo-Nazi skinhead woman named Gretel, inside of a reconnaissance van during a stake-out. It leads to the ambassador of some strange country getting killed but either way you should have seen the tattoos on this woman! Egad it was like she had fell asleep at a house party of an employee of the good people who make Sharpie markers. Delicious Sharpie. Either way the incident ended badly as we were both found out by our commanding officers and were forced to sit naked and be scolded in eastern Berlin. Those were those wild 80s for you! With-out further delay, the survivors guide for love.
   Love and War: Love is similar to war in several fundamental ways. First of all, all is fair in both. And the victors write history in both ways, what would have been cheating was actually being meant for each other. What was actually selling weapons grade plutonium in the summer of '93 to a cult of doomsday fanatics for several million dollars in gold bullion is suddenly perceived as making of connections. Unfortunately this seems to happen repeatedly too me sometimes. It always seems like such a good idea when nobody can find out. So whatever you do. Always win, at any cost. ANY-ANY cost.
   First is the best: This is a fallacy. Your first time is never the best. The first time I was in combat I was nervous, sweaty, I didn't even know what to do with my rifle. I lasted about three seconds before I shot and was embarrassed when I realized it was too soon. Regardless I find the most effective way to overcome this fallacy is to have as much liberty X as possible as often as possible with as many different partners as possible. Thus giving the largest chance for finding someone who is right for you. Also it keeps your nerves sharp. Like back in '84 I had to defuse a bomb after a quickie in the hummer, goodness, I never saw my hands move so steady. I was smiling all week after that one I do say!
   Divide and Conquer: The only way to get over one defeat is too move onward and attempt another. Waiting and letting time too brood over the defeat only will make the troops anxious and is brewing time for a mutiny against the captain of the unit. So keep frosty, keep moving. Give yourself a maximum a day of moping per month involved in the conflict before the defeat. Never give up and never surrender. Unless of course you happen to be in France at the time like we were captured in Paris back in '97. Goodness! If this is how they treat their privates how do they treat their captains?
   Guerilla warfare: Sexually Transmitted Diseases are the terrorists of sex. They make everyone paranoid and untrusting of their allies. The thing about paranoia is however, it all pays off if you are right ONCE. So keep safe. Protect yourself. You wouldn't go onto a battlefield without your flak-jacket would you? No I didn't think so. So don't allow yourself to be put at risk by these terrorists. Sneaking in undetected. Hiding in bushes and causing explosions and destruction to manpower! Clogging up drainage systems. Damn Terrorists.
   Betrayal: Harold Pinter wrote a play about this. Relationships that is. If you don't know what happens when people have an affair go and read it. Things will fall into perspective very quickly. Betrayal is a rotten end because you can never choose where and when. Just seems to happen. Like waking up inside of a body bag thirty miles from Las Vegas to the sound of someone digging a hole. It can always be worse. Just remember that a nuclear device can go missing and people can start pointing fingers. Or she could tell you she is pregnant. Whichever you feel is worse. Regardless. If they will cheat with you they will cheat on you so trust them like you would a mercenary. Not at all that is. Which is why mercenaries are so great! You don't feel bad when they die. Sort of like Lab Rats that can shoot guns and make their way through extremely big mazes for large pieces of cheese.
   So in sum, keep your head down. Don't peek above the trenches. If you can see the flash then duck and cover! Love is difficult and at best can be described as a fickle hell-cat, at best a calming lovely companion and at worse a demon that destroys and consumes your very soul with it bestial hunger. So remember kids be safe, be calm. Don't PANIC! Whatever you do, do not panic. And if you ever meet a New World Order agent offering sex and power to you, make sure to not trust them. They will blackmail you with the photographs and coerce you into smuggling illegal weapons technology from the good people at Procter and Gamble. That's all then! Don't be a fighter, be a lover.
   Now go be a Hero!

[Bharlion]

I found another. Ireland for yee awl.   

A Survivor's Guide to St. Patrick's Day
   By Chadwick Wizilbotum
   Hallo chaps! Chadwick Wizilbotum here! I have been off the radar for a bit because of I was captured by the archenemies of England; Ireland. Well not so much captured as got rerouted on my flight back to Lethbridge from Angola. I spent four hours in that torturous hell-hole. When I went to the airport amenities store, the clerk confronted me with a strange dialect. It was then I realized where I was. Ireland. I ran to the giant plate glass windows and began to scream and pound on the windows. Damn Ireland. The only thing good to come out Ireland is St. Patrick's day. However, many brave souls have been claimed by this day. Far more than Valentines day or Groundhog Day by far. Except for this one time back '84 when we had the groundhog revolution in eastern Salisbury. Lost a lot of good men that day. Damn commies. Regardless, with no further ado I present the survivors guide to St. Patrick's day.
   Pot of Gold: Avoid leprechauns at all costs. Damn Leprechauns. They often appear as alcohol poisoning induced hallucinations or from being drugged. So watch your drink unless you want to be pursued by small men dressed in green for five to six hours on your evening, before of course collapsing into a catatonic despair. So be smart, know your limit. Remember, the only time it is okay to drink green beer is safe. St. Patrick's day. Unless of course you are wearing green tinted glasses, like back in '93 when we had a drinking party with night vision goggles on. Course we got ambushed by a battalion of Iranian Rebels. But we foiled them. Damn Rebels.
   Yuggoth the Shaggai: Learning to speak with an Irish lilt is kind of like learning to speak with a thieves cant. An uncomfortable and irritating dialect I wish I could erase the memories of that four hours in Ireland. Regardless, I have come too two conclusions. Unless you are from Ireland, or can fake an Irish dialect extremely well. Don't do it. You sound like a lucky charms leprechaun. Honestly, every bar all I can hear is dozens of people yammering on like they want to have fun or something! Bah! Stop it! Like back in '89 I had to pretend to be a journalist from eastern Ukraine. Goodness, that was a lot of explaining when I dropped out of accent in the middle of the meeting with the KGB.
   Mad Cabbies: Getting home is usually a dangerous issue. All things foul come out at night. Leprechauns, Queens, Fairies, Sick! One day a real rain will come and wash all the filth off the streets. I think the clash said that. Regardless they have a point. This St. Patrick's day will probably be colder than a goat's anus. So if your drunk, don't walk home. Call for reinforcements to get home. A cab, a tank, a helicopter, even a brigand of Militia from Vietnam like when we were trapped in Laos during '75! All these chaps had were black pajamas and World War I rifles but goodness they took out all the insurgents held up inside of the observatory! So be safe, don't become an ice brick.
   Well that is all about I can think about right now, I am still recovering from the four hours of rigorous torture I endured in Ireland. Damn torture. So stay safe my chaps and keep calm even when you are confronted with a three foot tall man dressed from head to toe in green. Just remember, after stealing a leprechauns lucky charms he will offer you three wishes, take these three wishes. But afterwards if he offers a fourth wish, refuse it. For it is a trick that not only reverse your previous wishes but make you appear in the middle of nowhere! Anyways that's all and oh yes! I almost forgot. Never trust anyone from the New World Order, even if the name is Lincoln.
   Now go be a hero!

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

i'm sorry, i musta drifted off.


wut?