Dear U.S. of A.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

We enjoyed the flowery speech of your "Declaration of Independence." It made us feel good about ourselves. We thought, 'Hey! Now THAT's what we're talking about!' We like being recognized as inherently valuable and important, and being judged less by our failures than by our potential. You held those truths to be self-evident. We felt good about it, and it made us feel good about you.

And, like any adoring fans will do, we have been watching you. We watched and cheered as you gave that British tyrant a good ass-kicking. We saw you repel attack after attack. We began to feel inspired to believe that there might actually be something to your Noble Experiment - that maybe Humans really can rise above their imperfections if they work together.

We saw you fight and rid yourselves the albatross of slavery. That fight wasn't exactly a clean one, but we were willing to allow the ends to justify the means there. You lost a few points for form, especially considering that the rest of the civilized world had managed to end slavery without so much bloody bravado. But you do have a flair for the dramatic, America, and we appreciate that.

You tamed an entire continent with only the ingenuity of your engineers and inventors. And guns, and disease-ridden blankets. And we wondered if "created equal" had some ulterior definition in your particular brand of English. Still though, your unity-through-decimation strategy worked, and today nobody even thinks about it.

Years later, we were once again ecstatic, seeing the forces of Good sail across the Atlantic and free the forces of the Unlucky from the forces of Evil. Twice! Good show! We hardly even noticed as you locked up hundreds of thousands of your own People because they resembled the forces of Evil a little too closely. And that second go-round really ended with a bang, didn't it! Although, to be honest, we were a little uncomfortable with the decidedly uncomfortable afterglow. In fact, this is where things really began to go downhill, America.

See, we really love all the things you say about freedom and equality, and giving everyone a fair shot at success. We particularly enjoy the tales you spin about being the "Land of Opportunity," if only for the ironic humor we find so irresistible. But watching your progress from a band of idealistic rebels to a hot-blooded empire obsessed with your own supremacy has become, for us, less a matter of inspiration and has mutated into something more like the futile attempt to avert your gaze when you pass by a train wreck.

Secret police, America? Illegal surveillance? Illegal war? TORTURE? Look, we can stomach your garden-variety hypocrisy for quite some time. We can even turn the occasional blind eye to outright lies. But when we have to sit by and gaze in feigned admiration at you while you plant the American flag on every visible parcel of Moral High Ground, only to never be seen there again, it gets to be unbearable.

What happened to your spine, America? What happened to your ideals? We feel cheated for believing in the foundation of your republic, because if anyone knew how to make it work all the time, it should be you. But, judging by your own history, we really must conclude that due process, innocence until proven guilt, justice, and liberty for all only really work when everybody's having a good time.

When the going gets rough, America, you have no reservations about gagging Thomas Jefferson and ditching him in a gutter somewhere. It really makes us wonder what the use is in allowing people to govern themselves -- they obviously end up no better off than they would be under the thumb of a semi-benevolent dictator. America, where is your fortitude and your consistency? We know nobody can be perfect all the time, but must you speak openly about the abuses you inflict on your own philosophy, veiled thinly in pretty language, carved off of that pristine Declaration like a midnight snack for Jeffrey Dahmer?

When you get around to answering that question, we'll be listening. Until then, America, we'll just be over here. Where we still mean what we say, and where the cause of mankind's Liberty has been taken up by a far more worthy bunch: chimpanzees.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[Jenne]

Wow, that's very well said, vex...made me think of a lot of ways how this place inspires yet sickens.  Idealism mixed with pettiness, selfishness and vanity. 

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

It makes me weep...
Excellent piece of work.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I like.

[Vene]

Why do you hate America?
   \
:foxnews:


And

[The Good Reverend Roger]

OUT-FUCKING-STANDING, YOU HIPPIE SONOFABITCH! 

WAY TO ENABLE THE TERRORISTS!

[Dysnomia]

very nice

[Jasper]

I saw this earlier, read it, and loved it so much I saved it, and then got so caught up that I forgot to slather it with praise.

[Nast]

Woooooooooooooooo!

This was damn good.

[Adios]

Excellent!

Now what we need is it in poster form so it can be plastered all over every campus in the USA.

[Jasper]

Mailed to congress.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

[M.K]

When you get around to answering that question, we'll be listening. Until then, America, we'll just be over here. Where we still mean what we say, and where the cause of mankind's Liberty has been taken up by a far more worthy bunch: chimpanzees.

Bravo. As America-dissing rants go, this was great.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

EXCELLENT!!!