The Quest for the Saga of the Adventure of the No Have Trashbags

[TheLastLump]

Once upon a breadbox, there were two Discordians full of rampant Chaos and whom, through the miracle of having abnormally large pineal glands, no longer knew common sense in the way most people think of it. And so it came to pass gas that, by thinking of things in the wrong way, they realized they could do things no other mortal could.

Or they were just tripping ballz on the corrosive scent that was Reality. Either way, they had much fun and fucked up much shit without thinking too long about any of it.

And so these two Discordians, the one a Ninja by the name of Laughingman, the other by the name of Lumpy, were beating eachother with sticks in Lumpy's room one day, to see which stick had more fortitude.........



Crack!
Smack!
Pow!

Lumpy swung his stick high, aiming for Laughingman's head. "Your brainpan hasn't broken my stick yet! Of course, I haven't hit you with it yet, so that could be a problem. Quite hoppin' around! Hold still!"

Laughingman's stick hit with a perfect example of onomatopoeia, but one that I cannot spell. It sounded like CRUNCH!

Laughingman laughed. "Aha! My L33T n1nj4 skillz are more than a match for-"
BOP.
"Gotcha!"

Laughingman fumed, rubbing his noggin. "Bastard! I'll teach you to hit me.... um, got a lighter?"
"Sure." Lumpy handed him a lighter, wrinkling his nose. "Whatcha doin'?"
"Just watch." With a triumphant thrust of his arm, Laughingman brought the lighter to Lumpy's shoulder and set it ablaze. "Why, Lump, I didn't know you smoked!"

Lumpy ran around in circles screaming, fanning the flames higher. "Gwaaaauugghhh!! Put me out! Put me out!"

The young lump's mom rapped her knuckles against the door. "Hey! What's going on in there!? What's the matter?!"
Thinking quickly, Lumpy threw both of the sticks out a window and ushered Laughingman to the door. "Quickly! You must tell her that what's going on here isn't for anyone to say, and that the matter is nothing!"
"But... but you're still on fire! Won't she see you?!"
"As for seeing me, who can really tell? Some days her vision is like a T-Rex's; she can only see movement. If I stand still I'm sure I'll be invisible to her."
"And what of the fire?"
"If I just pretend I'm not on fire, it'll put itself out! It's foolproof!"

And so, armed with this Discordian Counter-Logik, the lump stood in a corner and held his breath, and Laughingman opened the door.

"What was all that noise? Who screamed

"Gwaaaauugghhh"

? And why is the smell of burning hair so thick in here?"
"Uh... I dunno."

Lumpy's mom brightened. "Oh! Well okay then. If you see Lee, tell him he needs to take the trash out."

Closing the door, Laughingman sneered. "Not too quick on the uptake, is she?"
Lumpy, who was finishing lighting a blunt off his smouldering shirt shrugged. "Eh. She has her moments."
"Too bad you gotta do chores, eh?"
"Yeah. Hell, we'll still get to talk while I do it, so who really cares?"

But moments later, upon inspecting the Drawer of Useless Tools and Whatnot, Lumpy stamped his foot. "Egad! We've run out of trash bags! Josh, how come we no have trashbags?!"
Laughingman shrugged. "Because you're not full of win and you keep forgetting to buy more?"
The Lump considered this. "Well, that at least explains half of it. So! We need to be the opposite of no have trashbags, correct?"
The One Who Laughs shrugged. "Couldn't hurt."
Thrusting his arm straight into the air, Lumpy beamed maniacally. "Then... to the Lumpmobile!"

                                                    *****

Trundling downhill at a turtle's pace, Laughingman glared around, arms crossed, sitting crosslegged in a wheelbarrow in disgust. "You call THIS a Lumpmobile? Insufferable twat! You fail! You are full of Epic Fail! You fail times a thousand! Have I ever told you you fail?! Well, you FAIL. So ha."
The Lump kept smiling. "Who cares? I'm still having fun. Would you mind scooting yourself more towards the middle though? You're making the wheelbarrow tip off-center. Wouldn't want your "L33T N1nj4" ass to topple out onto your emo/Goth hairstyle, would we? Those super-gelled spikes hold enough tension to bounce you over to Kentucky! And we all know what goes on over there..."
Laughingman shivered. "3v1l things, friend. 3v1l things... HEY!! My hair is SO not emo! You FAIL MORE THAN GEORGE W. BU- Gahh!!"

Lumpy dumped his ninja friend onto the paved sidewalk that was the entrance to the "M3g4Pl3x Shop 4 Yuor C0nv3n13n(3 Kompound", the only Wall*Mart knockoff that specifically requires its employees to 5p34k 1337.

[TheLastLump]

I've got a horrible habit of not being able to motivate myself to write. As you can understand, it would be difficult to actually write a novel, as I'm trying to do, if you can't get off your ass and actually write something other than character/plot notes.

So, in order to actually get my writing done, I'm going to do stories like these (contained only within this thread, to be read/deleted at taxpayers' expense) in order to get me into the writing mood.

Sadly, it didn't work today- I got into the mood alright, but instead of working on my novel I started a Warhammer 40K short story. Damn short attention span!! I blame Suu! for turning me on to that Persephone short story; it got me onto a Warhammer kick and I don't think I can escape it today >.<

So, enjoy the craziness while I work on my novel. Hopefully I'll have the first chapter to post here within the week. If not... 

[e]

Warhammer is the devil, you know.

I'll also give you fair warning that so much mention of things like "pineal glands" and otherwise "classical" Discordianism will probably get a lukewarm reaction at best on this forum.  The same for random internet-only references like "Epic Fail" and so forth.  HOWEVER, that should in no way discourage you from writing about it if it's what floats your boat.  Just don't expect standing ovations from your reading audience if it's posted on this forum, is all.

As a failed potential author myself, I can say that motivation is probably one of the hardest parts of writing.  Another important part, though, is editing and re-writing.

With a little more clean-up, this would have been better, but still nothing to write home about (har har). 

I may be biased in that opinion, considering that I've never really been into the "Stone teenager" story scene, since I'm a thoroughly boring person.

WRITE IT UNTIL YOUR BRAIN EXPLODES

[TheLastLump]

Actually, this was just practice- a warm-up. It was what I felt like writing about for no reason; kinda like an improvisational skit where gravity doesn't matter.

The pineal gland bit has always been a funny topic for me; I just mentioned it because it's such a  funny word.

And the Epic Fail bit was an inside joke; my friend actually DOES say it alot. It used to be every other sentence contained one.

"Lee, why you so full of fail?"
"Y'know why you lost? Y'know why? Y'know why? Cuz you FAIL."
"I can smell your fail from the kitchen. It smells like PWN!"

[TheLastLump]

On second thought, I guess I should've put a "Not to be taken SRSLY" warning label  at the top. I swear, I thought it would've gone without saying like twenty seconds into the story 

[e]

Yeah, I didn't really react to it as a "Serious" story.    Just thought you might like some constructive criticism (or any sort of response at all)

Warm-ups are good, I always end up just perfectionising on the page or two I ever write and then stopping because it's all crap anyway.

[TheLastLump]

XD Thanks! I don't have any precepts of being some famed novelist anywhere near t3h glorious ranks of Dean Koonts or Kurt Vonnegut, but I am hoping to get this one book published. Just because it's important to me.

Don't worry; the story is of quite a different calibre compared to the two stories I've posted on this forum (Holy Wars und this one). It should be quite a treat ^.^