The Original Snub: A Short Skit

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

This is a short skit which I wrote based on the Original Snub. Scenes Three and Four are optional. The most important scene is scene Two.

The Original Snub: A Skit

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Scene 1: Eris' House

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(we see Eris looking at Mount Olympus through a pair of binoculars, she is grumbling to her self)

Eris: have a party and don't invite ME will they!? I'll show them! I'll show them all!

(Eris grabs an (golden) apple and strats to carve writing into it)

Scene 2: Mount Olympus

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(The reception for Peleus and Thetis' wedding is going on, there are banners, and cake(s?) and gifts and food, and a punchbowl and all of the usual stuff. Thetis is still in her bridal gown and Peleus is still in his tuxedo. All of the major (and minor, but you probably won't have a large enough cast to show them all) Olympian gods and goddesses are there)

(Eris barges in and tosses the apple at Thetis' Peleus' head, knocking her him out/unconscious and causing her him to pass out into the punchbowl. The assembled gods and goddesses all react with shock. The spotlight focuses on each god and goddess in turn as they react)

Hermes: (Hermes, as the god of thieves, (in addition to his more well known role as god of messengers and messenger of the gods), is busy stuffing all of the silverware into his pockets. He continues doing so as he says...) What the Hell are you doing woman!?

Ares:  (Ares is bust threatening one of the nymphs who is serving the hors d' oeuvres. He's holding a knife to her face and half-shouting in that creepy sort of way that's a lot more menacing than regular shouting) ...and if a don't see another tray of cocktail weenies in one minute I'll cut out your intestines and eat those instead... (he turns to Eris) ... and as for you! YOU are completely out of control!

Dionysus: (Dionysus is staggeringly drunk. He's staggering around the punch bowl, where Peleus is still passed out.) to...totally in..in...inappropriate behavior (he turns and vomits into the punchbowl, right on top of Peleus)

Zeus: (Zeus is trying to cop a feel off of Thetis now that Peleus has passed out) Really Eris, try to show a little respect for the newlyweds... (he turns back to Thetis) ...So anyway, how about you and me go upstairs and I show you my thunderbolt?...

Scene 3: The Judgement of Paris

(The Stage is divided into two parts, one side of the stage is Mount Olympus, later in the evening, the other side of the stage is Mount Ida in the city-state of Troy)

(on the Olympian side, Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite are all clutching the golden apple, trying to take it for themselves)

Hera: It says "For the fairest"! That's me!

Aphrodite: No! Me!

Athena: No, ME!!

Hermes: What we need is an outside judge. Someone who wasn't here when this all started. (he detaches the winged top piece of his staff, Caduceus, revealing it (the winged top portion) to be a cell-phone. He then begins scrolling through his "contacts" list) ...hmm...no...no...ah! Here we go! Prince Paris of Troy! He's always up for this kind of thing! (he dials in the number)

(on the Mount Ida/Troy side of the stage, prince Paris walks on. We hear a cell-phone ringtone. Paris pulls a cell-phone out of his toga and answers it)

Prince Paris: Hello?

Hermes: Hey, Paris, it's Hermes. We met back when Ares took you up on that  standing bet you had about the bulls.

Prince Paris: Yeah

Hermes: Well, anyway, we've got a disagreement going on up here and we need somebody to settle it.

(At this point, Hera, Aphrodite, and Pallas Athena walk over from the Mount Olympus side of the stage to the Mount Ida side of the stage, completely unnoticed by Hermes, who is looking the other way)

Prince Paris: ok, shoot.

Hermes: well, you remember Venus and hera and Athena, right?

Prince Paris: (Looks around at the goddesses now surrounding him) uh...Yeah...

Hermes: Well, which one do you think is the best looking

Athena: Tell him it's me and I can make you the greatest military leader of all time. Just think about it! Your foes will tremble before your awesome power (laughs manically)

Hera: C'mon, you know its me, right? So just tell him, because I am the most beautiful goddess, as well as the only one who can offer you world domination if she/I win/wins

Aphrodite: (scoffs) neither of those two would know beauty of it hit them over the head! But I understand beauty, AND, more importantly, I understand what men really want. Just say the word, Paris, and you can have any woman you want...

Hermes: (over the phone) is there someone there with you?...

Prince Paris: What!? No! uhhh...anyway... I've gotta go with Aphrodite!

Hera: What!?

Athena: Damn it!!!!!

Hermes: (still over the phone) That time I definitely heard somebody. Listen, if I'm interrupting something I...

Prince Paris: No! Nobody here but me! (imitates static) *kssh* you're breaking up! Listen, I've gotta go now. It was nice talking to you! Bye!

(Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite walk back over to Mount Olympus. Meanwhile, Hermes leaves the stage, holding the Golden Apple (of Discord) )

Scene 4: Modern Times

(Scene four consists of a single optional throwaway joke that I reccomend be performed after the players have all taken a bow. Right before the audience starts to leave (wow! That last sentence has so many unrealistic assumptions about the quality of this piece...) )

(Eris is dressed as an ambush reporter. She suprises hotel mogul Richard Hilton on the street)

Eris: Tell me, Mister Hilton; Why did you give your daughter a man's name?

(End)

(Note: Another optional gag which could be inserted into the skit would be to have someone come onstage at some point in the show, dressed as Kanye West, and interrupt the action of the play to say that while the whole golden apple thing is cool, that the best meanspirited mythological prank was in the Norse pantheon when Loki tricked Hod into killing Balder)

[Cramulus]

good stuff! I like the mix of ancient imagery with modern language / slapstick timing


though I'd ditch
-the Paris / Paris Hilton pun
-and the Kanye thing

[Payne]

(Note: Another optional gag which could be inserted into the skit would be to have someone come onstage at some point in the show, dressed as Kanye West, and interrupt the action of the play to say that while the whole golden apple thing is cool, that the best meanspirited mythological prank was in the Norse pantheon when Loki tricked Hod into killing Balder)

Actually, it would be funnier the other way round. Interupting the story of Loki, Hod and Baldur interupted by Kanye West saying that Eris and The Apple was the best prank.

[Triple Zero]

keep the paris hilton pun, ditch the kanye thing cause that one will be old real soon (i hope)

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

What would really be funny is if Paris hilton started dating a guy named Artemus...

[Jenne]

I like it!  All of it.

[Prelate Diogenes Shandor]

Hermes: Hey, Paris, it's Hermes. We met back when Ares took you up on that  standing bet you had about the bulls.

A word of explanaion here:

Paris had trained the cattle to fight each other (sort of like Michael Vick's dogfighting ring, writ large) and had trained one of his his step−father's bulls so well for cobat that he was prepared to offer  crown of gold to anybody who could produce another bull that could defeat it. The Grecian war god Ares eventually won this standing bet by personally inhabiting the body of a bull to defeat Paris' bull. Paris, in turn, won a measure of respect from the gods by graciously conceding the bet even before learning of the challeger's lofty identity...

...oh my, it seems that that was actually several words...