Plant your dreams.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

They dreamed my dream into real.



It all started before I was dead though.  Once upon a time,
I looked inside my head.  It was bright in there, and there was energy,
and heat.  But the world was barren, a nuclear wasteland.  All the buildings,
crumbled.  All the life mutated.  All the roads went to the wrong places,
or they went nowhere at all.


Maybe this is why my Thinks are Stranged.



But there was beauty in this destruction.  In the sky, my dreams swam
like beautiful fish, made of delicate strands of silver light.
You can tell that dreams are happy, when you see them in their
natural state.



I thought the world needed more dreams.  I knew the world needed more dreams.
So I plucked those beings of light, from that desolate land and I wrapped them
up, all together.  A little parcel of fantasy.  A seed of hope.



I planted my dreams, deep in the heart of this cold, dark earth.  There they lay,
a delicate silver cloud, with the darkest lining.  There my dreams stayed, for a long time.
I dreamed new dreams, but I kept them with me.  Life went on. 
Then I died, as we all do, sometimes.



Time passed, the world kept on spinning,
there was conquest and defeat,
there was war. 
There were bombs dropped.



The world was barren, a nuclear wasteland.




But people still dreamed.  The dreamed my dream and my dream stirred, in the dark depths,
my dream took root.  My dream grew into a giant silver tree,
that climbed forever upwards, above the rotting stumps of ruined buildings. 



The tree bore fruit, that grew large and filled the sky with beautiful silver clouds,
that swam carefree through the air.  The world was filled with light. 


They had dreamed my dream into real.




_______________________________________________________


Comments?  Flames?  Praise?

x

edd

[Roaring Biscuit!]

anything?  pwees?   

[The Johnny]

The format is a bit messed up, or at least it doesnt seem to me that the triple spacing helps much stylistically.

And not just you, but a lot of essays in OKM seem to be going towards the full blown metaphor where at least i am not sure what they even are talking about.

[singer]

it had a nice  little  'alien strange' voice going for it up until here: The world was barren, a nuclear wasteland.

and that made the whole thing taste ordinary.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

it had a nice  little  'alien strange' voice going for it up until here: The world was barren, a nuclear wasteland.

and that made the whole thing taste ordinary.

hmm yes, I see your point.  I admit I wasn't entirely happy with that phrase, but at the time I just couldn't place a phrase that would sum up the image in my head any better.  Do you have any suggestions?


@JohNyx:  I think I will alter the formatting before I'm done with this, maybe splitting lines into a certain number of syllables or words, so it sort of blurs the line between poetry and prose (freevers I guess :P)

As far as bizarre metaphors go, do you think this would be better with a spoiler at the end for people who really didnt get it?  Personally I like things being open to interpretation, but if you think that you could appreciate this better if you understood what I thought of it then I guess I could explain, or try to?

x

edd

[The Johnny]

I dont think that you should have a "spoiler". It would be like explaining a joke.

Im re-reading.

[The Johnny]

Well the piece conveys to me that theres a lack of "going after our dreams", but that if we keep on "dreaming" maybe someday it will inspire others by "practicing what you preach".

The tone seems to contain optimism and a bit of vanity in the part of "The dreamed my dream and my dream stirred, in the dark depths..." in the sense that they dont "dream their own dreams" but your own.

Theres spelling and grammar issues, but idk if they are intentional or "irrelevant".

[Dimocritus]

These bits stood out to me the most:

Maybe this is why my Thinks are Stranged.

Then I died, as we all do, sometimes.

Not sure why, or if it's helpful at all...

[Roaring Biscuit!]

Well the piece conveys to me that theres a lack of "going after our dreams", but that if we keep on "dreaming" maybe someday it will inspire others by "practicing what you preach".

The tone seems to contain optimism and a bit of vanity in the part of "The dreamed my dream and my dream stirred, in the dark depths..." in the sense that they dont "dream their own dreams" but your own.

Theres spelling and grammar issues, but idk if they are intentional or "irrelevant".

  Thats pretty much spot on.  As far as the vanity bit, I can see that interpretation, but it was more intended as metaphor for progress and change, rather than just realisation, the perfect example being discordianism, e.g.  Greg Hill and Kerry Thornley planted the seed, we made the tree.

I might alter it so people are just "dreaming", rather than "dreaming my dream".  Do you think that would be more or less confusing?


@dimo:  stood out good or stood out bad?  They are both purposeful jumblings of sense, the first aims to be a little naive (because understanding the mind is hard) and the other is a sort of play on the "I never normally die, therefore I never die" meme, I can't remember if its used here, but I use in the real world for comic effect quite often.

Anyway, if you think they stood out in a bad way, was it because they seemed out of place?  In that they were more non-sensical than the rest?

thanks for your feedback

x

edd

[singer]

*using dimo's suggestion*

maybe re-arrange it?

I planted my dreams, deep in the heart of this cold, dark earth.  There they lay,
a delicate silver cloud, with the darkest lining.  There my dreams stayed, for a long time.
I dreamed new dreams, but I kept them with me.  Life went on.  


Then I died, as we all do, sometimes.


Time passed, the world kept on spinning,
there was conquest and defeat,
there was war.  
There were bombs dropped.


But people still dreamed.  The dreamed my dream and my dream stirred, in the dark depths,
my dream took root.  My dream grew into a giant silver tree,
that climbed forever upwards, above the rotting stumps of ruined buildings.

No spoiler at the end.  People will either figure out who the voice is, or they won't.

Keep "dreaming my dream" though, because that may push some into at least wondering who "me" is.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

you're right about the wasteland bit, it is better without it.  I had it there to parallel the description of mind from earlier, mainly.  Do you think that sentence in at the start should be changed as well?

thanks,

x

edd

[singer]

Yup.   At least "nuclear wasteland", "barren" by itself isn't all that bad though.

[Dimocritus]

@dimo:  stood out good or stood out bad?  They are both purposeful jumblings of sense, the first aims to be a little naive (because understanding the mind is hard) and the other is a sort of play on the "I never normally die, therefore I never die" meme, I can't remember if its used here, but I use in the real world for comic effect quite often.

Anyway, if you think they stood out in a bad way, was it because they seemed out of place?  In that they were more non-sensical than the rest?

thanks for your feedback

x

edd

They stood out in a good way. Out-of-the-ordinary stands out to me and grabs my attention. Maybe if you could "Stranged" up a few of the other lines it would have a more unique over-all feel.

[The Johnny]

  Thats pretty much spot on.  As far as the vanity bit, I can see that interpretation, but it was more intended as metaphor for progress and change, rather than just realisation, the perfect example being discordianism, e.g.  Greg Hill and Kerry Thornley planted the seed, we made the tree.

I might alter it so people are just "dreaming", rather than "dreaming my dream".  Do you think that would be more or less confusing?

I personally think that within the context of "human progress", technological one does exist, but i question that there is progress in any other area.

Now that you mentioned whose "dream" it is, namely Hill/Thornley, you could allude to them by some obscure reference (or idk depends on your style).

[Brotep]

This is almost really, really good.  It gets a little too distracted by the cliche of clouds having a silver lining.  Also, I am not sure whether the opening and closing line is necessary.  I guess I'd say focus more on the process, and let it grow organically instead of stumbling around cliches like some kind of minefield.