Richter, I Need That Chainsword.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Filthy Assistant has finally gotten on my last nerve.  There is absolutely no call for tying up a mechanic for 3 fucking hours talking about bad parts, when the fucking book has the numbers for new parts.  His stated objective was to save money.  Consider:

His time costs $40/hour, including SS, etc. X3 = $120.

The mechanic's time costs $32/hour X 3 = $96.

$216 spent screwing around with parts that will cost $600 to machine, for a total of $816.

The new parts cost $900, and will get here a day sooner.  Add in the fact that other jobs won't get done, because the mechanic has been sidetracked.  So we saved what, exactly?

Why am I expected to tolerate this shit, Richter?  This is absolutely unacceptable, and must be dealt with.  So send me a quote on a functional chainsword, complete with Spiky Bits™.  If this is not possible, I will settle for electroclaws or a powerfist.

In fact, let's just make it the latter.  Someone needs a good powerfisting.

[Richter]

Overall product wise, I'll need a few questions answered.  I have practical solutions in mind for 2 of those 3., and it's jsut going to come down to functionality and level of finish for the final product.

The chainsword, I won't be able to R+D the "Cuttitall" forcfield for each tooth of the chain, or the power supply / storage needed for quick delivery.  I CAN, however, retool an electric chainsaw, or battery opperated hand tool (as long as the motor can torque enough, I'm thinking angle grinder.)  A power supply IN the weapon will take it out of the realm of what I consider functional (over 9lb.), so a cable to a back- mounted battery may be needed.   Cordless tool batteries or capacitors will be humored as alternatives, but I don't want someone using one of my designs to save their life with a cross - body block, only to be killed by the capacitor going BOOM in their face from the impact.  Since I will not get the torque that any kind war deity would grant such a project, I also propose changing the teeth from the barbed tree - cutter to isocolese right triangles.  Pyrimidal even, for less chance of unintentional grabbing. 
This will be a single edged model, likely with a guard cap on the tip.  The leading edge will eb the exposed chain part, the cap mounted with blade + spike, and the guard suffiencent for protecting hands. 
I'm certain the thing will CHUG chain grease, so best to only rev it when you know the blood of your enemies will lube it soon.

Costs are hard to estimate, but one good cordless angle grinder, one cheap electric saw, and one golf cart battery are the basic bits I'd want to fool with.  Incidentals are impossible to predict, but will likely involve at least a few customized bits from a local machine shop for adapating the motor. 

Being said, with proper electricity and torque, there is no theoretical reason why anyone would be unable to make such a weapon function.  Weight and use will be the trick.

Your assistant may also like the simplicity of a cart - axle based tool, the Welsh Goddentag.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

While the Welsh are past masters of the horrible beating, I really feel I need something that will make hydraulic and/or chainsaw noises while I educate the heathen.

I'm leaning toward the powerfist, because I can also use it at Disneyland.

[Richter]

Powerfists:  I have neither the patience not the gunsmithing to add articulation assistive motors to every joint of a human hand and integrate a 20. gauge into the glove.  The thought of keeping the shock of firing from fuxing the controls and feedback sensors makes me twitch.

Welding an Ithaca to the Jaws of Life with an adapted StediCam rig for support might do the trick though...

[Richter]

I could do an Electro glove or electro claw easily, compared.

Couple blade, couple tasers, soup up a good pair of guantlets, wire and start teh fun.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Powerfists:  I have neither the patience not the gunsmithing to add articulation assistive motors to every joint of a human hand and integrate a 20. gauge into the glove.  The thought of keeping the shock of firing from fuxing the controls and feedback sensors makes me twitch.

Welding an Ithaca to the Jaws of Life with an adapted StediCam rig for support might do the trick though...

I don't need the shotgun.  Just the crushy part.

[LMNO]

I am now seriously considering donating funds to see this come into existence.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I am now seriously considering donating funds to see this come into existence.

I am more than half-serious, here.  The stupidity levels are red-lining.  Something has to give.

[Richter]

Weight concerns?  I'm inclined to keep any one handed tool at or under 5 lbs.  Heaver than that, load bearing equipment or shoulder surgery are going to be needed.

Still, miniature Jaws of Life, likely with modified jaws (spike or sharp upper front jaw for stabs, hacking blade or 25 degree grind on teh bottom jaw for hacking), and gearing for quicker closing.  This will straddle the line between hand weapon, rescue tool, and anti - materiel.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Weight concerns?  I'm inclined to keep any one handed tool at or under 5 lbs.  Heaver than that, load bearing equipment or shoulder surgery are going to be needed.

Still, miniature Jaws of Life, likely with modified jaws (spike or sharp upper front jaw for stabs, hacking blade or 25 degree grind on teh bottom jaw for hacking), and gearing for quicker closing.  This will straddle the line between hand weapon, rescue tool, and anti - materiel.

I have mighty shoulders, but perhaps a harness is in order.

[Richter]

Weight concerns?  I'm inclined to keep any one handed tool at or under 5 lbs.  Heaver than that, load bearing equipment or shoulder surgery are going to be needed.

Still, miniature Jaws of Life, likely with modified jaws (spike or sharp upper front jaw for stabs, hacking blade or 25 degree grind on teh bottom jaw for hacking), and gearing for quicker closing.  This will straddle the line between hand weapon, rescue tool, and anti - materiel.

I have mighty shoulders, but perhaps a harness is in order.

At least to the forearm, to keep the weight off your wrist.  I'd also add a cannon-brace styleupper arm, so you can mount some light hydraulics to aid lifting and prevent hyperextenion of the elbow.  Now I DOUBT you'd ever want to fight with this monstrosity at full arm extension, but a reminder and a preventer would not hurt.  That upper arm attatchement, AFAIK, will work best hung froma  shoulder / torso harness, so we may as well also add a catch of some sort on the belt you can park the rig in to rest your arm without taking it compeltely off.

At this point, we have likely added 20lbs. designing a bondage harness and augmenting a single human hand in to the ABSURD TERROR weapon. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Weight concerns?  I'm inclined to keep any one handed tool at or under 5 lbs.  Heaver than that, load bearing equipment or shoulder surgery are going to be needed.

Still, miniature Jaws of Life, likely with modified jaws (spike or sharp upper front jaw for stabs, hacking blade or 25 degree grind on teh bottom jaw for hacking), and gearing for quicker closing.  This will straddle the line between hand weapon, rescue tool, and anti - materiel.

I have mighty shoulders, but perhaps a harness is in order.

At least to the forearm, to keep the weight off your wrist.  I'd also add a cannon-brace styleupper arm, so you can mount some light hydraulics to aid lifting and prevent hyperextenion of the elbow.  Now I DOUBT you'd ever want to fight with this monstrosity at full arm extension, but a reminder and a preventer would not hurt.  That upper arm attatchement, AFAIK, will work best hung froma  shoulder / torso harness, so we may as well also add a catch of some sort on the belt you can park the rig in to rest your arm without taking it compeltely off.

At this point, we have likely added 20lbs. designing a bondage harness and augmenting a single human hand in to the ABSURD TERROR weapon. 

Is there any other kind?  I think not.  This sort of thing, Richter, is best taken completely over the top.

It should also make those cool whiny servo noises.  Even if it doesn't have servos.

[Richter]

Hell, we may as well go for a full body suit then.

The left hand should be the electro claw, and the body armor can incorporate more hydraulics for joint support, and counterweights.  I'd add an undersuit of ventilate neoprene with metal springs and additional compression / support for the elbows, knees, ankle hip and lower back.

In fact, a backup spine may be good so your don't destroy you natural one using the thing.

[LMNO]

 

Sometimes, scope creep is a good thing.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Sometimes, scope creep is a good thing.

Yes.  Yes, it is.

TGRR,
Tech Marine.