ITT BAD jokes.

[LMNO]

A travelling salesmen walks up to a house and rings the bell.

The door opens, and he sees an 8-year-old kid standing there with a lit cigar in one hand, and a glass of scotch in the other.  Behind him, the salesman sees the flat-screen TV is showing a fairly graphic porn film, and there's a coffee table covered with junkfood right in front of it.

The salesman says, "Hi... Are your parents home?"





The kid looks at him and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

[Triple Zero]

But did he find the shortest route between cities?

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

 

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

An english major, an engineer, and a mathematician are asked to create a pen with the greatest area out of a given piece of fencing.

The english major spent a lot of time making squares and measuring them, then finally gave up.

The engineer made a circle out of the fencing, and went out for a beer.

The mathematician rolled the fencing up very tight, stuck it into the ground, and shouted "I DECLARE MYSELF TO BE INSIDE THE PEN".

[cavehamster]

Haha, that reminds me of these two.

An engineer wakes up and finds his kitchen on fire.  He gets the water hose, drowns it, and then goes back to bed.

A physicist wakes up and finds his kitchen on fire.  He quickly calculates the water required to put out the flames, and provides just that amount to put out the flames, and goes back to bed.

A mathematician wakes up to his kitchen on fire, sits down and calculates that it is possible to put it out, and goes back to bed.


So, an engineer, a programmer, and a physicist are driving along down a hill, when the car goes out of control, and ends up flipping upside, sliding down the hill, and coming to a stop in the ditch.  All three pile out.  The engineer points to the broken brake line, the big pothole up and road and claims this is the cause.  The physicist pulls out some graph paper, calculates the forces involved, and agrees with the engineer.  The programmer shakes his head and says, 'Help me flip it over, and let's try it again...' 

[PeregrineBF]

Just link the sci-jokes archive already.

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house.  The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out.  The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container.  He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper.  After a few minutes he
goes "Aha!  A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel:  This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire).  The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."

-----

A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire.  The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire.  The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge.  Again, the coffee machine catches on fire.  This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.

-----

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a statistician are taken,
one at a time, into a room to undergo a psychological test. In the room is
a table (upon which is a pad and pencil), a chair, a bucket of water, and a
waste basket rigged so that it can be set ablaze from an adjacent room in
which the psychologists watch.

The engineer is first, and the basket is set ablaze. The engineer
immediately jumps up, grabs the bucket of water and dashes the entire thing
onto the fire, flooding the entire room and extinguishing the fire.

The physicist is next. The basket ignites, the physicist quickly calculates
exactly how much water is required to extinguish the flames and pours
exactly that amount, neatly extinguishing the flames.

The mathematician next. The basket blazes up, the mathematician calculates
exactly how much water is required to put out the fire, and then walks out
of the room.

The statistician is last. The basket is ignited. He grabs the bucket, pours
half on one side, half on the other, and announces, "It's out."

-----

From: Alison Reeve <e9329216#NoSpam.student.uq.edu.au> & unknown.

Four professors (An engineer, a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician)
are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out
of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with
alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

"Brute force is the answer" says the engineer.  "If we hit it enough we can
put it out".

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials
until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the
fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of
oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While they debate what course to take, they are alarmed to see the
statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both
scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

-----

A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

        Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
        a hose not connected to the hydrant.  What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
   the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
   the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

        Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
        a hydrant.  What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
   reducing the problem to a previously solved form.

-----

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

Just link the sci-jokes archive already.

You are my new hero. I didn't even know that existed.

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

What was Romeo and Juliet's favorite melon?
\

/
CANTELOPE!!!1

[Freeky]

Wakka wakka wakka!

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

What do a horse doctor and an old Nazi have in common?

They're both veterinarians (veteran Aryans).

[BadBeast]

Here's one I posted in the "This is sick" thread last week.


" I don't understand, what is this fascination that Belgian men have about having sex with 28 year old women?"



"There are twenty of them, . . . . . . . . "    

   

[AFK]

Why don't women call Dracula back after the first date?

They're not fond of the surprise bat sex.

[Abbess Jade]

How do you wake up Lady Gaga...?



...



Poker Face!

[Requia ☣]

Just link the sci-jokes archive already.

You are my new hero. I didn't even know that existed.

This place is great.

This one in particular has me cracking up:

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0

From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1

[Abbess Jade]

This place is great.

This one in particular has me cracking up:

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0

From: Chris Trevino <fred.trevino#NoSpam.worldnet.att.net>
And Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b,
which mean that
2 = 1

I'm not sure if I'm laughing because I get it, or I'm laughing because I don't at all...