The Black Swordsman- A first serious foray into creative writing.

[Triple Zero]

I didn't read it all the way through, but here's what I think. A lot of it is (IMO) way too wordy, though maybe that's your style, if you ask me for my opinion, it's not one I enjoy reading Do you happen to speak/write German? They do that shit three times as much in that language, check the opening for Hesse's "Narciss und Goldmund", 1 sentence, 1/2 page, just to describe something about a tree in front of a monastery

There's a lot of sequences of multiple adjectives, which slow reading, and can often be prevented by careful picking of words, or just leaving them out because quite a few don't even add to the atmosphere. Anyway, I'll highlight a few of the bits to show what I mean. Keep in mind I'm not a good writer myself, and not all of the examples are bad by themselves, but the cumulative effect stood out to me:

   A lone figure stands. Heavily shrouded, the only indications of life are the white plume of his breath and the slow rise and fall of its shoulders. The wind screams through the narrow canyon, tearing at the figure's wrappings. Next to him, driven into the ground, is an enormous black sword, taller than he and just as broad [?? just as broad as what? him? wouldn't that make it more like a sharp metal wall? Having trouble imagining this despite of all the adjectives, maybe use some similes for variety?]. Behind him stretches a narrow and rickety rope bridge over a mist filled chasm.
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   A quartet of horsemen robed and cowled against the bitter icy cold, ride swiftly through the narrow canyon [you already mentioned its narrowness in the previous paragraph. unless its name is "Narrow Canyon", there's no need to point it out again, except comical redundant ironic redundancy, in jest]. Coming around a sharp the lead horse rears up, sliding to a halt on the loose snow and gravel. The other three horsemen skillfully bringing their horses to a stop, laugh loudly as the lead rider curses loudly and reins his horse in.

   "Is Your Highness alright?" bellows the largest of the riders in mirth at the young rider's antics [he doesn't just comment at the young rider, he bellows, and he does it in mirth ... on itself that's okay but you've done this every sentence now].

   "Yes, mayhap we should have brought along a pony, an old one, too docile to startle a youngster," joins in the tallest of the riders. [okay, now we have a "largest rider", a "tallest rider" and a "youngest rider"--you might want to find a bit more distinctive features to tell them apart, because this is going to be a puzzle, especially since "large" and "tall" are somewhat similar in meaning]

   Walking his horse back to the rest of the riders, the Prince speaks,"I am quite naturally alright Lord Raerth, merely displaying some horsemanship far beyond your ken." He pulls back his cowl and gives an impishly young smirk to Lord Raerth. "And as for..."

   Mid-sentence a deep booming voice that seems to come from the very earth, echoing all around them, speaks out," None shall pass," accompanied by the horses neighing and a low grinding noise, like the sound of steel being drug along stone. [wow. apart from "None shall pass", this paragraph is 90% adjective and one simile. it's impressive, but there's a lot of redundantly redundant redundancy. like "deep" and "from the earth", or "booming" and "echoing"]

---

And that's where I stopped reading. Try cutting 75% of the crud and make every word count for maximum impact. That doesn't mean it's got to be terse, but you use a lot of simple and/or common words, where just a few fancy ones might achieve the same effect, except more powerfully, because the effect is contained in less words.
See the thing is, these words like "echoing booming" aren't quite synonymous, but they're the sort of sequence of adjectives I'd use in speaking language, when I'm trying to describe a distinct sensation, but can't quite come up with the one perfect word to describe it right at that moment. But in writing you don't have that excuse. If I spoke, "echoing, booming, sort of rumbling, like it came from the earth, except it also had this grinding noise,"--notice that if I had also added "deep" and "like stone over metal" people would have probably interrupted me with "dude, we get the point."

Otherwise, it's not my kind of fantasy setting Sorry if I may sound harsh about it, I'm trying to make it constructive criticism, hope that works. Also I understand there are certain fantasy writers that actually do use this style of writing and apparently some folk like that sort of thing, so maybe it's also partly my personal tastes.

Would you / could you have started this piece with the phrase "It was a dark and stormy night ..." without cracking as much as a [impish, mischievous, young] smirk?

[Don Coyote]

Thank you Trip for the very detailed critique.

1. I realized I was using an excessive amount of adjectives, that is partly a stylistic thing, partly me have very little practice at creative writing.

2. The sword is intentionally described as excessively large. I should probably have someone mention that in the story.

3. The narrow canyon had me all screwed up. There is supposed to be a pass the riders come through before they meet the big scary guy, and there is another canyon behind the big scary guy with the bridge crossing it.

4. Excessive use of other words to describe how people are talking? Not sure what you are commenting on, unless it's just the same overuse of descriptive language.

5. I know.

6. This was intentional. But it's effect might have been lessened by all the other adjectives being flung around.

Again thanks for the critique.

[Phox]

Some thoughts from a fellow writer:

Redundancy is too redundant. You tend to be extremely repetitive. Example: "...the swordman's [sic] massive sword shatters Sir Bleys' sword". The word sword appears three times in a string of seven words; that is two times too many, especially when it is already established that both characters are using swords at this point. Suggested revision: "the figure's massive weapon shatters that of Sir Bleys", or something similar. Generally speaking, it is a good idea to avoid using the same noun more than once in a single sentence.

Descriptions are...? You like to use adjectives, but aside from the Prince being young, (young how? 10 or younger? mid-teens? early twenties? 37 which happens to be young compared to his 60+ year old companions?), and Lord Raerth being large (from the fact the prince addresses him in response to the question), and Master Shiceld being tall, We really have no idea what any of these people look like. Even when the prince pulsl back his cowl, we don't get a description of his face.

Improper use of adverbs and adjectives. The phrase "impishly young" has no business existing anywhere. "Impish" already implies a degree of mischief and youth. It is also wise to avoid using adverbs that end in "-ly", unless it can't be avoided, and even then it probably should be. Cut down on adjectives. Seriously, it makes you look like your writing erotic fan fiction and getting a little too excited at the prospect of seeing a favorite character naked. 

Commas, have both proper, and improper places, in sentences. Please, learn them.

Spelling and general grammar errors should be corrected. Even when I read through outdated drafts of stories I've altered considerably since the writing, I tend to correct these. Never know when I might want to lift a line or two from it for use in a later draft or a different work entirely, for that matter.

Aside from that, it was a nice read on the surface. I haven't read it as thoroughly as I should, but I will read it over more closely when I get some time, and maybe I will have more comments.

[Don Coyote]

Some of those commas are in there because grammar check was pissing me off.

Thanks for some extra pointers.

[Don Coyote]

I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.
I almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.

Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.

Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.

I almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.

Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.

Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.

[Don Coyote]

I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.

Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.

But it might end up being tearfully dull. Who wants to read a series of episodic stories that all about poor smucks that try to cross this bridge and get butally hacked apart. Might make great fodder for a series of flash videos, but not much anything people would want to read. 

I almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.

Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.

Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.

But I don't like the Prince for some reason. Well I don't like the idea of the Prince., but then again he has no purpose, or personality so..ya.

[Don Coyote]

I have decided to make this story about the Prince, who now has a name btw, Garwit. I've decided to make it semi-episodic in nature. Every episode will involve the Prince encountering some obstacle that must be overcome, but while they would simple to overcome become complicated due to the Prince or a member of his party behaving in a non-knightly fashion. Between major conflicts there will be mini-stories told about the fallen members of the party. I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet. Eventually he will reach whatever his goal is and I'm stumped for details and motive. I do have a an outline stared, with some rough ideas on flow for a few episodes.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I do believe my original intent was to write a series of short stories about the unlucky saps that try to cross the bridge and are subsequently killed by the black swordsman.
That however, would most likely be lame.

Not entirely, although in this instance I think it would be best carried through the Black Swordsman's point of view OR doing it as something the prince remembers and is emotional about.

But it might end up being tearfully dull. Who wants to read a series of episodic stories that all about poor smucks that try to cross this bridge and get butally hacked apart. Might make great fodder for a series of flash videos, but not much anything people would want to read. 

I almost want to write it out the young prince, but then I would have to develop his character as well as that of of his party. Which would require that I make the reader care that so far two of the three companions have been killed, and rather quickly too. This is all meaningless if the reader is not aware of the skills of the party.

Incidentally, the black swordsman is modeled off of a combination of the black knight from monty python, and Guts from Berserk.

Nah. You just gotta make 'em care about the Prince and then by proxy they will be sympathetic towards the slain companions, in theory.

But I don't like the Prince for some reason. Well I don't like the idea of the Prince., but then again he has no purpose, or personality so..ya.

All of this is what editing is for. Get what you've got out on paper or whatever and then refine it.

I have decided to make this story about the Prince, who now has a name btw, Garwit. I've decided to make it semi-episodic in nature. Every episode will involve the Prince encountering some obstacle that must be overcome, but while they would simple to overcome become complicated due to the Prince or a member of his party behaving in a non-knightly fashion. Between major conflicts there will be mini-stories told about the fallen members of the party. I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet. Eventually he will reach whatever his goal is and I'm stumped for details and motive. I do have a an outline stared, with some rough ideas on flow for a few episodes.

Sounds like a plan.

[Phox]

I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet.

There doesn't have to be one, really. Maybe he likes adventures. Or if you must have a reason: Diplomatic mission, exile (temporary or otherwise), to gain experience of the ways of the world?  Remember, the motivations of your characters don't necessarily have to make sense from the audience's point of view.

[BadBeast]

I still don't have a reason why the crown prince of a kingdom is off riding about getting into trouble yet.

There doesn't have to be one, really. Maybe he likes adventures. Or if you must have a reason: Diplomatic mission, exile (temporary or otherwise), to gain experience of the ways of the world?  Remember, the motivations of your characters don't necessarily have to make sense from the audience's point of view.

Read Michael Moorcocks ''Elric'' books. Elric never needed anything but the most tenuous excuse to go riding off into adventure. (He has the coolest Sword in SF too) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IF9BMvhfGI

[Phox]

Bump because I want to see if Coyote has worked on this at all.