The Dark: What Could Have Happened, Chapter 1

[Doktor Howl]

I like that list

Big fan of NO FUCKING ELVES. PERIOD. I hate elves.

No dwarves, either.  Or those Goddamned hobbitses.

(If there ARE dwarves, think the Nordic kind.  Definite bad guys.)

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.

[Doktor Howl]

Oh Nordic dwarfs are fucking nasty. As are their trolls. They hide in human skin, and steal your wife. For raping.

Dunno if the bloke that was telling me that was pulling my leg mind you.

Who cares, I'm using it!

Tolkien rip offs have a lot to answer for. In fact, was it not Tolkein who made it OK for there to be about half a chapter of fucking made up language prose every few chapters. The twat. I think my problem with the sci-fi, is I turn into a space aged Tom Clancey, and spend 38 pages banging on about a hypothetical propulsion system and then pretty much go' and they then shot some aliens, the end' D:

Propulsion systems should be backdrop, not the story.  And shoot-em-ups are to be avoided, unless your name is David Drake or Jerry Pournelle.

And yeah, Tolkein ripoffs.  There's that Shannara shit (Terry Brooks, eat a dick), Dennis L. McKiernan's blatant ripoffs, the list goes on and on, and they all SUCK.  I mean, not "that was unpleasant", but "I wish to feed the author to javelinas".

[Doktor Howl]

My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.

Wrong kind.  I'm talking about the vicious little bastards that yank your skin off to make...Oh, okay.  Maybe the same kind.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My grandma and uncle were/are dwarves.

Wrong kind.  I'm talking about the vicious little bastards that yank your skin off to make...Oh, okay.  Maybe the same kind.

yes.

[Doktor Howl]

Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these.  No shit.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these.  No shit.

THANK FUCK!!!

[Doktor Howl]

Also, you may all be relieved to hear that there will be precisely zero poetry or song in any of these.  No shit.

THANK FUCK!!!

That is yet another crime inflicted on fantasy by Tolkien.  Would Conan have burst into song?  The Grey Mouser?  Fuck no.

The Shire didn't get half the kicking around it deserved.  Fuckers.

Also, if Gandalf can have tobacco, why can't Borimir have a Thompson submachine gun?  I mean, if one anachronism works, why can't they all?

[Triple Zero]

I like that list

Big fan of NO FUCKING ELVES. PERIOD. I hate elves.

No dwarves, either.  Or those Goddamned hobbitses.

(If there ARE dwarves, think the Nordic kind.  Definite bad guys.)

Wait until you find what Pratchett did to elves, the fuckers You might like [they only appear in 1 or 2 books, afaik]

[Don Coyote]

OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.

[Doktor Howl]

OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.

Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

I love this genre and you have an amazing start here!  Can't wait for the next!!!!

[Doktor Howl]

I love this genre and you have an amazing start here!  Can't wait for the next!!!!

Tomorrow, I think.

[Don Coyote]

OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.

Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.

Which is why I hate most of it.

[Doktor Howl]

OH FUCK YES!! Don't let go of that Fafrd and the Grey Mouser feeling. Also, elves and most modern fantasy can choke on a dick.

Modern "fantasy" is either vampires, werewolves, or furry/Yiff shit about dragons that change into humans and fuck.

Which is why I hate most of it.

It all went to shit in the mid 80s, if you ask me.