A Very Tucson Christmas, Part 2 of 5

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"It's Christmas!" the tweakers yell, as they throw tinsel into the dumpster over their latest victim.  The snowbirds cause festive multi-car pileups, and during chases, the criminals let the cops escape out of sheer holiday spirit.  Everyone's waiting on Baba Yaga's visit, and the children of The City wander around doing random acts of kindness to make up for all the horrible shit they've done to the elderly all year.

You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Baba Yaga's coming to town
She's making a list
And checking it twice;
Gonna find out Who's naughty and nice
Baba Yaga's coming to town
She skins you when you're sleeping
She kills when you're awake
She knows if you've been bad or good
So be good for your life's sake!
O! You better watch out!
You better not cry
Better not pout
I'm telling you why
Baba Yaga's coming to town
Baba Yaga's coming to town!

Here in Tucson, we have many fine old Christmas traditions.  Roasting someone's nuts over an open fire.  Hanging stockings over the fire barrel for Grisly Bob to puke in.  Cutting the Christmas Spam.  Putting the lights up on the cactus out front.  Sleigh rides through the sand.  Pelting the mayor with rotten fruit.  Puking eggnog on random strangers.  Beating the mortal shit out of the WalMart Santa...The list goes on and on.

Tis the season to sprinkle roofing nails in the mall parking lot, they say, and who I am to argue with tradition? 

In fact, the only problem I have with the holiday season is the music.  Starting the day after Thanksgiving, everyone starts playing a loop of Christmas tunes that seem to consist of The Little Drummer Boy, Holly Jolly Christmas, and - worst of all - Dolly Parton's Goddamn Hard Rock Candy Christmas, which ought to be illegal.  Dolly Parton ought to be illegal, for that matter, punishable by being flung into the Hudson river with a trebuchet. 

It fills me with hate, and people tell me through gritted teeth that I'm not being festive enough.

I'll show them "festive", the cunts.

Or Kill Me.

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Make fried chicken legs out of her house. It will definitely get you into the spirit!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

This fills me with glee and merriment. Just not the kind everyone else is feeling.

[Richter]

At the end of the day, absolutely out of my nut antisocial from resolving problems I didn't start, and dead empty of food and blood sugar, I sashay for a bit through the lretail places for some preliminary shopping.  Apparently somethign about the "cutsie-pie" 1950's lyrics coming out of a 6'2" beardo with a schizphrenic mask and a corpselike stare is unnerving, but I cannot be expected to do anything else when bombarded with this bullshit.  

[Whatever]

I feel the same way up here Roger. 

Only our xmas song from hell is the midwest favorite "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by the original performer Gayla Peevey when she was 10!!

http://www.rhapsody.com/the-countdown-kids/i-want-a-hippopotamus-for-christmas

A co-worker kept track last year and from the Monday after Thanksgiving until New Years, they played that song 297 times.  Well Monday thru Friday, we have no clue about the weekends...

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I feel the same way up here Roger. 

Only our xmas song from hell is the midwest favorite "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by the original performer Gayla Peevey when she was 10!!

http://www.rhapsody.com/the-countdown-kids/i-want-a-hippopotamus-for-christmas

A co-worker kept track last year and from the Monday after Thanksgiving until New Years, they played that song 297 times.  Well Monday thru Friday, we have no clue about the weekends...

If I have to hear "Grandpa Got Run Over by a Reindeer" this year, I am going to hunt down Larry Lujack and Snot-Nose Little Tommy (The DJs who ran the contest that resulted in that song), and do things that involve words like "flense".

[Payne]

This year I will be participating in christmas, after several years of having nothing to do with it (except for sending my daughter a card and a small present) and enjoying a pizza, beer and a Star Wars movie on the couch.

Carols, and other festive songs WILL result in me losing my shit. EVERYWHERE.

[Whatever]

I feel the same way up here Roger. 

Only our xmas song from hell is the midwest favorite "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" by the original performer Gayla Peevey when she was 10!!

http://www.rhapsody.com/the-countdown-kids/i-want-a-hippopotamus-for-christmas

A co-worker kept track last year and from the Monday after Thanksgiving until New Years, they played that song 297 times.  Well Monday thru Friday, we have no clue about the weekends...

If I have to hear "Grandpa Got Run Over by a Reindeer" this year, I am going to hunt down Larry Lujack and Snot-Nose Little Tommy (The DJs who ran the contest that resulted in that song), and do things that involve words like "flense".

I would fly down there just to help that happen!  Or record it for posterity, whichever I could 

However, I will see you Grandma and raise you the "The Chipmunk Song"  Yeah, I'd just rather be dead.  It makes you wish they were real rodents so you could stomp the living shit out of them.

[Jenne]

  Love this series so far, Rog.  I have to live vicariously through Tucson in my hate and rage for the holiday, though, as I said in the other fread, I'm making somewhat nicey-nicey for my dad's sake.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh shit, how did I miss part 1? I must go find it...

[Telarus]

These are turning out awesome.