Little Red Riding Hood, as told by Nast

[Nast]

Little Red Riding Hood was walking down the forest path to deliver her basket full of homemade preserves to Jesus Christ, who was sick in bed with a case of the snuffles. She was sure her gesture would make him feel much better, as she had made sure to bring twice the amount of apricot flavor this time. Jesus liked apricot flavor the best.

Her mother had warned her not to go into the forest and to simply walk around it, but that would have taken all day and besides, what did her mother know? She just sat around all day collecting unemployment. Little Red Riding Hood knew that when she grew up, she would be clever and become a scientist, instead of having four kids and eating directly out of the box of Cheerios every night for dinner, because she just didn't care anymore.

Little Red Riding Hood felt very clever taking the shortcut through the forest, and wasn't even afraid of the wolves that were rumored to lurk there.

Meanwhile, hiding behind a tree there was in fact a wolf, and he was very hungry.

"Hello," said the wolf to Little Red.
"Hello," she replied. "If you're trying to sell me something, I'm not interested."
"Oh not at all, I was just wondering where you were going."

Now, Little Red Riding Hood was not a stupid girl per se; she knew for example that one should not under any circumstances let one's guard down around salespeople, but she was still young and didn't know that wolves weren't to be talked to either. So she made the foolish mistake of telling the wolf where she was going.

"I'm going to see Jesus, and bring him these homemade preserves as he has a case of the snuffles."

"Oh how nice of you. You know, here I was thinking that no one cans nowadays, but it's nice to see someone keeping up the practice. Does Jesus live very far away? I thought he was supposed to live in heaven, or Texas."

"Oh no," Little Red replied, "He lives just up the path in a bungalow.
"Well then, since it's such a nice day out and I could sure use a constitutional, how about I join you?"
"That sounds lovely!" exclaimed Little Red, and they began to walk together.

When they walked a little and reached Jesus' bungalow, they knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Jesus said, "I"m afraid I'm in such a weak condition, you'll have to mind the door yourself."

So they opened the door and walked in. There was a terrible lot of retro wallpaper; Jesus was always into the kitsch. He sat in bed with a nightcap and spectacles, doing a crossword puzzle and snuffling a bit.

"Hello my children, it's so nice to see you! I was feeling so dreary with this cold."
"Well", said Little Red, opening the basket, "I happened to bring you some homemade preserves to make you feel better. There's even extra apricot flavor, I know that's your favorite."
"Oh, what a darling thing to do! Let's enjoy them together."

So they all happily ate the preserves, even the wolf, and he was no longer hungry.

Just then however, a tall and burly lumberjill burst through the door. To everyone's horror, she swung her axe with her large forearms and disemboweled the poor wolf.

"Aha, you cursed beast! No longer shall you terrify little old grannies!" she bellowed. She looked inside the wolf's stomach cavity, but to her slight dismay there were no little old grannies to be found.

"Now why did you go and do that?" ask Little Red, indignantly. "He was quite the gentleman."

"But I thought he had eaten your grandmother, and you were going to be next!" replied the lumberjill.

"Oh no," said Jesus. "All that's just a sexual metaphor."

And so they pondered this.

THE END

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I love it!

[Nast]

Thanks! Last night, in a half-asleep state I thought, "How about Little Red Riding Hood with Jesus and a lumberjill with strong forearms?"

And then I thought, "That's a terrible idea!", so I wrote it.

[Roaring Biscuit!]

Awesome sauce

xx

[Pope Pixie Pickle]

Thanks! Last night, in a half-asleep state I thought, "How about Little Red Riding Hood with Jesus and a lumberjill with strong forearms?"

And then I thought, "That's a terrible idea!", so I wrote it.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

 

[Jasper]

It's been a while since this kind of story really impressed me.  Good one Nast!

[Richter]

DAMN, but why wasn't this in time for ETCETERA DISCORDIA , OR ABotD?



Nast, you need to cram this into the next group publication, if you are so inclined.

[Jenne]

I read this earlier and forgot to comment--I like this version!

[Triple Zero]

I read it now and think it's awesome!

[Don Coyote]