I hate Christmas

[NWC]

I used to not like Christmas. I've never like my dad, and I always had to go to his house on Christmas (parents divorced at 6), which I never liked because it meant spending time with people I didn't like.

Now it's a whole other ball game. I HATE Christmas.

Two years ago I worked 70+ hours a week at 3 shitty jobs to be able to move to Belgium, so that I could be with my girlfriend. Many of you know that story, she came to the states on exchange, we were apart for a year and 10 days, she came to visit, and then I moved there. I worked my ass off to come here. I worked my ass off to stay here, working 8 hours without a break at illegal jobs cos they said they would get me a work permit. I was, at the same time, working my ass off to learn French fast enough to stay here on a student visa.

So now I'm studying here, French is no problem, but money, of course, still is. My mom is a pastor who hates her job and wants nothing more than to retire, and my stepdad is on disability, because he has a neuro-degenerative disease that prevents him from walking/standing for long periods of time. In short, they're not rich. So while I'm here studying (in a foreign language none the less), I'm also working my ass off teaching English so that I can have enough money to eat.

My girlfriend does not have those problems. Her parents are rich and she has plenty of money without working at all.

So, as you can imagine, money can be an issue. At Christmas, it's hell. I have to get presents for everyone in her family, which stresses me like crazy. I would be so, so, SO much happier if none of them gave me gifts, and I gave none of them gifts. I don't need things to be happy. I need to not worry about if I'll be able to pay the rent to be happy. THEN, my girlfriend's friend invites us to spend a week in Switzerland with them. Which means, of course, spending a lot of money that I don't have. I told her that I absolutely couldn't afford to do the skiing and all that, which would have been hundreds of euros, but after her begging me I agreed to go without the skiing part. That still leaves me with about 80€ I'm going to have to spend, plus a week that I won't be able to work. She knows that it really stresses me, and at some point she offered to pay for my part, but it was hesitant and didn't sound sincere.

Then there's the shopping! She really wanted a new hat for Christmas, so we went to the mall in our town so I could get her one as her present. This mall is a terrible, terrible building. It's like they actually consciously tried to take every commercial aspect of American Christmas and concentrate it under one roof. So we spend an hour and a half there, at the end of which I was understandably in agony, though trying not to show it. She understood though and then got mad at me.

I know it sounds cliché, but I really just want a Christmas where I can spend time with people, no shopping, no stressing over money, just good food and people. But that's not how they do it in my girlfriend's family, and she already thinks I don't like her family enough.

I hate Christmas so fucking much.

I just need to get that out. Or kill me.

[LMNO]

No.  No, no, no.


It is stupidly wrong for your girlfriend to invite you on her Xmas vacation, expecting you to provide gifts and your equal share of the funds, when she is completely aware that her financial situation far exceeds yours.  It's rude, unfeeling, and wrong.

This is where communication comes in.  You have to be frank, honest, and (here's the hard part) completely absent of malice or passive/agressive bullshit when you tell her that this is an undue burden.  She should know that this is a wildy disproportionate percentage of your income, and you simply are unable to afford what she is proposing.

If she wants you to go, she should have offered to pay part of your way at the very outset.  It's simple; she has money, you don't.  She wants to vacation in a way that doesn't affect her as much as it does you.  She needs to take that into account.

In my life, it has been the same, but reversed.  My family's vacations were usually extravagant affairs, but there was never a question that Mrs LMNO had to match funds; she never had to worry that she couldn't pay for what they wanted to do.

So: TALK TO HER.  If she has any feeling at all for you, she'll understand.

[Jenne]

Learn how to MAKE stuff.  Original, one-of-a-kind ANYTHING.  Soap, pillows, knitting of anything and everything.  One thing rich people with money to burn usually DO NOT or CANNOT do:  making things by hand.  I'm thinking Nigel and her beads, Suu and Squiddy their sewing and art, Remmie and his sculptures...etc.

So yeah...that's one way to throw a spanner in the "who can top whom" $-works for XMas...I know how that goes, and when we were dirtass po (my husband making $20K, in other words, straight out of med school & me on school loans at UCLA), that's what I did.  I sewed, baked and made things.

Also, LMNO has the right of it--your gf needs a stern talking to.  It's blatant b.s. that she doesn't see how burdensome this is for you.    I'm sorry to hear she has been with you for so long, watched you struggle as hard as you have had to do just to be NEAR her, and still doesn't get that you cannot afford gifts as she and her family can.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

What LMNO and Jenne said.

Also, in the "making stuff" category, learning to knit also gives you something awesome and fun and semi-automatic to do with your hands when you're on the bus/train or watching a movie or even at a bar, and if you do it a lot you can end up with a closet full of awesome handmade scarves to give as gifts at the end of the year.

It's too late for soap this year, but not at all too late to make homemade liquer or candy, and the raw ingredients for both, especially candy, are very inexpensive. Chocolate-dipped fondants are particularly nice, and quite easy, and crunchy nut toffee with chocolate is always well-received. Cookies are another great gift.

Also, it's never too late to cultivate the "I don't celebrate Christmas" angle. I stopped celebrating Christmas when I divorced 12 years ago, and while it's taken my family a long time to adjust, it's really lovely neither giving nor receiving obligatory holiday gifts. I still give them stuff, but usually it takes the form of random whatever I happen to spot that looks like something they'd like at a random time of year.

I do have a Yule tree and have a big dinner on the Solstice, and I give the kids a few small gifts (or one large joint gift for all three to share) but I will be phasing out the gifts as they get older.

I just think it's a stupid, stressful tradition and I'll be glad to spare them the hell of a holiday that almost no one seems to enjoy.

[Death]

I'm sorry to hear that, and I wish it could be different for you.  My Christmas's are just about everything I could wish for, just getting together with people I enjoy and all that jazz.  There are presents involved yes, but nothing overly expensive.  Presents aren't even important; seeing my family is the best and most enjoyable part.  I wish everyone could have something like that to look forward to at this time of the year, instead of dread. 

As everyone else has stated, your girlfriend needs a serious talking to.  She obviously doesn't understand the shitty feeling of not having enough money for something, and needs to do her part to understand your problems with the way she wants you to spend Christmas.  You've obviously done a shit ton to be with this girl and for her after that, so it's definitely reasonable that you draw the line. 

[E.O.T.]

I DON'T THINK

         i know your story, but i know what you're talking about. this may be the first year ever, in my big boy life, that i'm not totally and miserably broke on the holidays. that has always fried me out.

         french is the easy part? geez?!

         swiss land is a hell a bucks and it sounds to me like your girlfriend ought to be more aware of you and your situation. it doesn't sound like you have time to learn new skills on making crafty gifts, as if anyone does (!)

         stress like this, sucks ass

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

In my experience the children of rich people don't understand money, in a huge profound way. They REALLY don't get it. It might be really hard for her to comprehend the whole "work to earn money to barely get by" concept.

[E.O.T.]

In my experience the children of rich people don't understand money, in a huge profound way. They REALLY don't get it. It might be really hard for her to comprehend the whole "work to earn money to barely get by" concept.

AND
   
          this too

[Death]

In my experience the children of rich people don't understand money, in a huge profound way. They REALLY don't get it. It might be really hard for her to comprehend the whole "work to earn money to barely get by" concept.

Echo'd.

Out of curiosity, does she have any plans for what she's doing if the money goes away?  Or if her parents are older then what she'll do after they're no longer around?

[NWC]

I appreciate your guys' input, it helps.

Well I talked to her a bit last night, but it didn't go so well. She got mad at me for accepting to go to Switzerland, even though she had begged me to do so. It seems like now she's planning to pay for my part though. And we decided that for gifts for her family we could do some of them together in spirit, but she would pay for them. She has a ton of uncles and nieces for whom I was supposed to get gifts.

We spent the whole night in a bad mood though. We've had this conversation a thousand times, but she doesn't get how stressful it is. She keeps on telling me, "but it's supposed to be fun! why can't you just enjoy it?".

In my experience the children of rich people don't understand money, in a huge profound way. They REALLY don't get it. It might be really hard for her to comprehend the whole "work to earn money to barely get by" concept.

Echo'd.

Out of curiosity, does she have any plans for what she's doing if the money goes away?  Or if her parents are older then what she'll do after they're no longer around?

Nigel you're completely right. I think she wants to understand, but it just doesn't go through. With the grocery situation we've made progress. We split the grocery bill half and half, which means that I don't want us to get brand name everything. She still gets her super fancy juice, and I get my nice beer (mmmmm), but otherwise now we've gotten into a good rhythm of not spending to much on groceries, while still eating very well.

But for her, there's something missing if she doesn't go out and buy expensive things she doesn't need. Her mom recently took her to the coat store to get a fancy new coat.. she came back with two.

I don't know what she'll do when the money runs out, but I don't think it will. Her sister graduated 2 years ago, and is still living at their parents house, still hasn't found a job, and still gets everything paid for by her parents. I think my girlfriend's plan is just to stay in school as long as possible.

..I always get negative about her around the holidays.


But yeah I'll see what I can make, instead of buy. Otherwise with the combined-in-spirit gifts it should be fine.

And I'll put up more posters for my English lessons! Pick up some students who are stressing for exams.

Thanks for the support everyone.

(btw I still hate Christmas  )

[LMNO]

I guess I'm the trust fund baby on the boards, so I have to assume the role of rich kid defender.

Well, maybe not.  It's true that for kids who were brought up without financial struggles, it's difficult to understand the opposite point of view.  But that doesn't mean that they're automatically assholes or they should be guilty for being born into a family with excess funds.  Ok, fine: It's a lot easier for a kid like that to become overpriviledged and spoiled.  But think about how they were raised: In a world without money anxiety. 

RAW used to riff on how our Bio-Survival instinct is now attached to little green paper tickets that have only an indirect relationship to the environment.  If you take the tickets away, the body reacts as if physically threatened by imminent death.  That's a little weird.  But a trust fund baby doesn't have that-- or at least, doesn't have it as much.  They don't get an adrenaline dump when thinking about spending money... It's always been there.  And usually, their parents don't teach them how to respect their finances, or how to properly think about economics.  And when that's the case, the only way to figure it out is personal experience.

I know I got my kick in the head when I left college and tried to make it on my own.  I still had some savings (that I didn't earn), but that ran out pretty quickly.  I did know enough not to get too deeply into credit card debt, but I had to very quickly learn the "rent, food, or electricity?" dance when the end of the month came around.  I became a ninja at narrowly escaping overdraft fees.  I learned where the cheapest check cashing places were, and how close the nearest Store 24 was to get money orders.  I learned how it feels to have a sickening pit of despair in your gut when you check your bank balance, and how it starts forming before you even press the "Check Balances" button on the ATM.

Rich kids don't know, because they've never had to know.  And though it might seem obnoxious, it's just another case of a lack of perspective. 

[Phox]

Rich kids don't know, because they've never had to know.  And though it might seem obnoxious, it's just another case of a lack of perspective. 

Phox,
Grew up eating government cheese on toast.

[Suu]

If it wasn't for my ability to sew and crochet, I don't know what I'd do this time of year.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I guess I'm the trust fund baby on the boards, so I have to assume the role of rich kid defender.

Well, maybe not.  It's true that for kids who were brought up without financial struggles, it's difficult to understand the opposite point of view.  But that doesn't mean that they're automatically assholes or they should be guilty for being born into a family with excess funds.  Ok, fine: It's a lot easier for a kid like that to become overpriviledged and spoiled.  But think about how they were raised: In a world without money anxiety. 

RAW used to riff on how our Bio-Survival instinct is now attached to little green paper tickets that have only an indirect relationship to the environment.  If you take the tickets away, the body reacts as if physically threatened by imminent death.  That's a little weird.  But a trust fund baby doesn't have that-- or at least, doesn't have it as much.  They don't get an adrenaline dump when thinking about spending money... It's always been there.  And usually, their parents don't teach them how to respect their finances, or how to properly think about economics.  And when that's the case, the only way to figure it out is personal experience.

I know I got my kick in the head when I left college and tried to make it on my own.  I still had some savings (that I didn't earn), but that ran out pretty quickly.  I did know enough not to get too deeply into credit card debt, but I had to very quickly learn the "rent, food, or electricity?" dance when the end of the month came around.  I became a ninja at narrowly escaping overdraft fees.  I learned where the cheapest check cashing places were, and how close the nearest Store 24 was to get money orders.  I learned how it feels to have a sickening pit of despair in your gut when you check your bank balance, and how it starts forming before you even press the "Check Balances" button on the ATM.

Rich kids don't know, because they've never had to know.  And though it might seem obnoxious, it's just another case of a lack of perspective. 

That's basically what I was trying to say. It's not that she's being inconsiderate as much as it is that she simply truly doesn't understand. It kind of reminds me of when I was pretty young and one of my friends made the comment that "there's really no excuse to still be on 1200 baud when a 24 is only a couple hundred dollars". I said "But not everyone has a couple hundred dollars" and he just stared at me uncomprehendingly. That was my first conscious awareness that some people really just don't understand what it's like to not have extra money. They don't even understand the concept of "extra money" because that would require having a sense that money might not be there.

It might be worth noting that at the time, $200 was also approximately one month's rent.

[Whatever]

I grew up in money.  My grandparents were "old south" rich.  As in land rich and money poor.  My parents sold off a huge chunk of the land and thus became new rich.  In any event, I know I was raised with a silver spoon.  However, I was raised that if you invited someone to join you on your trip, outing, home whatever, then the cost for that person was on you, not the person you invited.  Also, guests are in no way required to provide gifts unless they are financially able or want to, especially for extended family which is anyone outside the person you are in a direct relationship with.

Her expecting you to come up with the money for all of this is really asking a hell of a lot.  I agree with the others here, make presents.  I personally would do something "american" that you bake or cook, that way you can use the I wanted to share my culture with you over the holidays and no one can say a fucking word without being terribly rude and insulting!!!

Now it's different if a bunch of folks are sitting around and somebody says hey can we crash at your parents beach house this weekend and you agree, then trip fundage and food fundage is a too each his own.  You're providing (or rather your parents are providing) a place to sleep, puke and shower, the rest is on the individual!!!