ITT: Luna's dealing with the shit in her head

[Luna]

Yesterday was a great day... mostly.

See, there was an SCA demo.  This is where we go somewhere and do what we do in public, with people who AREN'T us walking around, asking questions, and generally getting in the way.  It's part, "come, see what we do," part, "hey, wouldn't YOU like to do this, too," and, usually, part publicity stunt for whatever group asked us to do a demo for them.  Big guys in armor smacking the hell out of each other with sticks is always a crowd pleaser, go figure.  We are, after all, an EDUCATIONAL organization, so, once in awhile, we go out and try to inflict some knowledge on the mundanes.

Besides, it's fun.  The look on the face of a teenager when you hand him an 18 pound helmet and they realize, "they put this on their HEAD?!" is priceless.  (The trick is, learn to support 18 pounds with your arm straight out and your wrist straight.  Let 'em get their hands under it... and DROP the whole fucker on them at once.)  Cub Scouts are, by the way, the most bloodthirsty little bastards you'll ever see.

Anyway, we're doing this demo.  Richter's got his buddy's forge and is busy turning busted scrap metal into useful sharp things and pretty things.  Suu's got a couple of her best outfits out on display and is fielding questions at the Arts & Sciences tent.  Me, I'm out fencing, and having a ball.  The king and one of the other knights borrowed some gear and came to fence, too, good time.  We had a tavern brawl (well, four of 'em).  Set up a table with some extra stuff to parry with...  Couple of candlesticks, a pot lid, some fake food, mugs...  A stuffed cat...  (Yeah.  My friends are sick bastards, sometimes.)  We'd've done more, except the table got busted when we flipped it over and one of the girls broke it with her head.

Anyway, good day... except for the point where I turned around and realized my NYEX-husband is there, and he brought the little whore with him.  Pretty much instant mood crash.
I pulled my shit together...  Grabbed something to eat, and went back out on the fencing field with the couple of the guys who I know can handle things if I lost it out there.  (Did NOT go out against J or SA, they're both new, and my control was off.  I was pissed, but not at THEM.  O and E knew I was upset and pissed, and are both capable of making sure I didn't do anything stupid to them.)  Usually, I'll refuse to suit up at all if I'm angry...  I know who I'm angry at, and it's NOT the person across the field from me.

So, took out some aggression on my friends.  No damage of which I'm aware was done, which means I probably laid a bruise or two on 'em, but nothing bad enough for them to bitch about.  Dunno if either one of them heard my cussing while I did it... but it helped.  Got some support from friends, some who just saw I was upset, others who saw them there and figured I would be.

I ignored the both of them, except when he tried to wave and say hi, he just got a glare. 

Rest of the day after the demo was awesome...  Shower, hike over to Richter's for dinner, movie, some of which I slept through on the Couch.  (I don't think I got a LOT of sleep, but I slept like a bloody rock, one of those naps where you close your eyes, open them again a second later, and realize you've missed half the movie.  At least it was one I've seen before.) 

Glad I got that nap...  Came home and spent the rest of night staring at the ceiling.

See... here's what I can't figure.  I sure as hell do not want him back.  Not if he came crawling with a thousand apologies and confessions of stupidity. 

So why the fuck does seeing them together feel like somebody's tearing out vital organs?  Why did I run my shower out of hot water this morning standing in there crying over this shit?

[P3nT4gR4m]

At a guess and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, I'd say it's a question of ego. He left you for someone else? Or when you broke up he found someone else quicker than you expected? That's a kick in the teeth any way you look at it. Breaking up with a steady partner is a big upheaval, even if you hated the cunt by the end. So you're all fucked up and wondering what the shit you're going to do with your life, right? And you're maybe a bit bitter and trying to remember how much you hated the dude just so you don't feel so bad about being in this fucking limbo that your life has suddenly turned into and the only thing that keeps you sane is the thought that he's doing worse than you, right? So when you have to face up to the injustice that he probably isn't, it smarts a bit.

Like I said, I dunno if this is true for you or a mile off but I've been there. Getting wasted and/or laid a hell of a lot helped take the edge off.

[Luna]

He started seeing her behind my back.  Exactly when, I'm no longer really sure of...  He claims I caught them the first time he actually saw her, I suspect that's another lie, but who knows.

Yes, being left for the town whore stings.  The fact that I was worth so little that he'd rather trade me in on HER was a kick to the ego that I don't know if I'm going to get over at all, much less when. 

On the plus side, I can't say my life is a limbo.  I'm so busy, I'm turning down invites because I'm already double-booked, some days.  I'm doing more than I did back when I was with him, and having a hell of a lot more fun.

Getting wasted doesn't help... or at least, it's not the drinking that helps, it's the company I'm keeping when I DO drink.  (Dad is alcoholic, I do NOT drink at home alone.)  Example, Friday night was awesome, out at the German Club with Richter and EoC.  (Thanks, guys!) 

Yeah, part of it, at least, is the reminder that I was valued so little.  I fucking deserved better.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

If it were me . . . Not only would I be pissed he left me for the town whore, I would be fucking embarrassed that the guy I picked turned out to be so fucking stupid.

[Luna]

If it were me . . . Not only would I be pissed he left me for the town whore, I would be fucking embarrassed that the guy I picked turned out to be so fucking stupid.

Yeah, there's that... plus the fact that he has do display said fucking stupidity in front of everybody.

[Lies]

The problem was, you were channeling your anger in the wrong way, so all the built up tension in you has come out as sadness, when instead you should have had a go at him for being so fucking nonchalant about your space and your feelings.

Maybe.

[Jenne]

I hope, in the end, you can at least get NUMB to the rejection and the pain this asshole has caused you.  Sounds like you have so much to look forward to and enjoy in your life, letting his cruelty and selfishness ruin that for you would be an utter shame, if it continues on.  Bitterness from others' actions is like a slow poison that can seep into other joys and happiness that you indulge in and NEED in order to survive...sounds like you've figured that out and can, in the main, embrace it.

But give yourself time to not only wholly enjoy those things you richly deserve but also to get over this fucktard and his betrayal.  You love deeply and with a lot of loyalty, it seems...so the pain probably goes way down deep as well.  I'm so happy FOR you that you have great awesome friends like Suu and Richter (and now EoC!! ) to help you through these nasty times when the doubt and bitterness creep in. 

You're an awesome person, Luna.  It's all his loss, man...

[P3nT4gR4m]

The fact that I was worth so little that he'd rather trade me in on HER was a kick to the ego that I don't know if I'm going to get over at all, much less when.

Yeah, you will. Takes a bit of time is all but the human brain is fucking excellent at bouncing back from shit like that. In the meantime you're doing all the right shit - get on with your life, fill it up with shit that makes you feel better, eventually it'll do just that - make you feel better. Lot of people (myself included) opt for the - wallowing in self pity - option, initially at least. Get out there and take a big fucking bite out of life.

I'm damn near 20 years out of a relationship that fell to fucking pieces and pretty much took me with it. Nowadays I remember the good bits. Even the fights and the heartache is kinda - comedy of errors - funny now. Took a while, tho. Totally sucked at the time.

Thing is I WAS the classic loser-ex. Seeing how much better her life got, pretty much as soon as I walked out the door forced me to face up to a lot of shit. Made me decide to be a better person. Also made me determined to never take the slightest bit of bullshit in a relationship evar, coupled with the resolve to make sure I never gave any bullshit back. That made shit a lot more fun in the long run.

[Luna]

The problem was, you were channeling your anger in the wrong way, so all the built up tension in you has come out as sadness, when instead you should have had a go at him for being so fucking nonchalant about your space and your feelings.

Maybe.

Sadly, the SCA can't be considered "my" space.  It's where we met, I can't tell him to fuck off and leave.  He's aware that I would prefer he did... but I have no right to order him to give it up.  So, I need to get used to him bringing her around.

I'll get past it...  I just thought i'd be further along by now, is all, I guess. 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Also made me determined to never take the slightest bit of bullshit in a relationship evar, coupled with the resolve to make sure I never gave any bullshit back. That made shit a lot more fun in the long run.

THIS.

Also, if she's the town whore, the relationship is doomed anyway. What's that quote Cain had about the bodies of your enemies floating by if you sit by the river long enough? He's going to end up a smelly old man with STD's eating Spaghetti-O's^TM out of a can and you'll long since have hooked up with somebody awesome who will make you want to throw rocks at everybody you knew before. Last laugh = yours.

[Luna]

Oh, I'm aware his relationship is doomed, and I'm looking forward to it blowing up in their faces. 

I've said it before... "if s/he did it WITH you, s/he'll do it TO you."  They both cheated to get into whatever they've got, it won't end cleanly.

"No bullshit" is the way to go, absolutely.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Luna, all those feelings are natural and normal... don't feel bad about having them. Just let yourself feel them, and think about why you're feeling them... you made a commitment to this guy, you had a long-term relationship, and at one time, at least, you believed he was worth it. You have years worth of memories of being a couple. He may have turned out to be a shitheel, but that doesn't erase the belief you once had in your partnership. You're recovering from having been in love with the guy, you're jealous because of the love and exclusivity you once believed in, and you feel betrayed and angry because he left you for someone else who is less than you... even though he wasn't worth having you in the first place. All these feelings are OK. Just give yourself space and time to get over them. You will move on and be a better, stronger, more desirable and worthy person, until eventually when you see him you will feel only pity.

[Suu]

I'm sorry.

Dartmouth Fett wasn't sick. He hates the SCA. It's not his game, and he went for a nap in his car. Naturally, the only person that gave him a hard time was Johan (Mr. Z, the former housemate of mine) so that was enough to give him a bad taste in his mouth.

Actual quote:

Johan: You don't look very medieval.
DF: That's because I'm ALL evil.

I saw NYEx and whore approach. Whore was grinning at me the whole time I was in the list...you know, with swords in my hands...I think she thought I was you until I took off your gear I borrowed. She realized it was me and then avoided me the rest of the time I was still there. I didn't even say hey NYEx. I didn't want the bullshit.

I didn't want to deal with you. I couldn't. I wanted to have a nice day...so I packed up, saying DF was sick, and we left.

This is your battle, Luna. You've seen how Herb and I get along now. It's possible. When Whore finally decides to move on, you'll realize it's not bad, but as long as she's around, there's only two things we can do:

A: Kill her and dissolve her body in a bathtub in So-Pro.
B: Remind yourself that you're better than her, and that you'll never again fuck your newly herpes ridden NYEx-Husband.

-Suu
Shitfaced.

[BabylonHoruv]

Having things go the way they did hurt.  Seeing them together brings back that pain.  It's simple association, even though you want nothing to do with him seeing him still brings back the pain and seeing her brings it back worse.

Just like the smell of cherries makes me want to vomit because it smells like cough syrup, same mechanism in your brain.  It's not anything to get hung up on, and it should fade, eventually, but every time it hasn't yet don't beat yourself up over it, just let it hurt for a bit.

[Suu]

IT'S BEEN TWO FUCKING YEARS AND EVERY TIME I SEE HERBERT WITH HIS SHORT BLOND DUMB BIG BOOBED THING I WANT TO CRY

and then i remember that he's only in it to titty fuck her and that he'll dump her when she turns 25 makes me feel better


-suu
full bottle of pino gris