Is it just me?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Yeah... I think I'm going to avoid all of them for a while. The last thing my FBF said to me was "Well, it's a public forum and if you say something people are going to comment on it, that's what a forum's for" and I really didn't have anything to say to that. It's a public forum only in the sense that anyone can join, but it consists solely of about a dozen friends who mostly use it to organize social events amongst themselves, so it's not really. And there are certain levels of courtesy and respect I expect from my friends. If they are unwilling to treat me as a friend, I see no reason why I should talk to them.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I will use the extra time I gain to do homework and foster new, healthier friendships.

[Triple Zero]

Second-guessing/giving unsolicited advice as a "you should..." or "you really ought..." statement is pretty thoughtless. I'm pondering how I act and speak in similar contexts (since what classes you're taking is 1/3rd of all student's conversations), and I think the second-guessing is less of a judgment of you and more of them thinking out loud.

"If I was taking multiple classes and could fill a space with a Spanish class, what would my thoughts be on that?" is the question that naturally forms in their head when you bring it up. Then somewhere along the line, the thought "here's what I think I would probably do/think in the same situation" gets twisted into "here's what you probably should do in your situation."

You say some very interesting things, thoughts I was trying to reach but couldn't

I was thinking, I probably get into similar situations often enough, but somehow I manage to deflect such remarks so they don't bother me too much. I think part of it is because I automatically un-twist them back into "they meant to say, this is what I would do", and then reply (subtly) "well, maybe that's a problem you would have in my place, but I'm confident I could manage it , I'm more wondering about <this part> of the plan"

In my own conversations, I usually assume the person has thought out their own reasons for doing/thinking as they are, and if I don't understand their conclusion I may bring that up: "How are you going to work out your job schedule this semester if you take this class?"

THIS is very interesting. It reminds me a lot of a discussion technique both my ex and my mother learned for their work. It's called an "intervision". I didn't exactly get the details of it, but the rough gist appears to be that one person calls for an intervision on a certain topic with the rest of the team (the intervision group). The person then states their problem, topic, plan, etc. The rest of the group can then pose their ideas on this plan, but they're only allowed to phrase them as questions. Typically the kinds of questions you just asked.



Or maybe there's just a bad case of the I-know-better-than-yous going around.
[/quote]

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Reflecting on other conversations going on recently with the same person who told me I was making premature assumptions about my ability to handle Spanish 101 homework, another friend was recently complaining about the high cost of living in Portland (it's not that expensive dollar-wise, but relative to wages it's about at 120 on the cost of living index, with average being 100) and commented that she doesn't understand why it's more affordable to live in Hamburg than here. Ms. Recently Combative told her, basically, that if she doesn't like it she can leave.

Weird shit, man.

Usually if I have questions about how someone is going to manage their life, I ask them. "Wow, that's a lot of classes... what's your schedule going to be like?" because I assume that, unless they are a complete idiot, they have already thought that through.

I don't say stupid shit like "are you still going to have time to work?" because that's pretty much along the same lines as "are you still going to feed and care for your kids?" If the answer is no, then they are a fucking retard, so obviously the answer is yes and I would be a dick for asking something like that. What, are they going to say "Oh, oops, no, I was planning on losing my house and living under a bridge... DHS can take care of the kids"?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Frankly, I'm starting to suspect something that might be akin to jealousy, even though it doesn't make any sense at all. The only of us who are getting this shit are the two who are in school, and every time one of us talks about a plan for the future (Mona wants to go to Germany to write and do lab research after she finishes her degree next spring, I'm in a nifty program that will hook me up with paid research internships and taking extra credits to try to make sure I'm ready to transfer next fall) a couple of people seem to have an urge to jump on that and try to make us feel stupid. And they keep saying shit like "I don't know how you do it all" to me, and the hostility has only increased as I continue to do better and better.

[Doktor Howl]

Frankly, I'm starting to suspect something that might be akin to jealousy, even though it doesn't make any sense at all. The only of us who are getting this shit are the two who are in school, and every time one of us talks about a plan for the future (Mona wants to go to Germany to write and do lab research after she finishes her degree next spring, I'm in a nifty program that will hook me up with paid research internships and taking extra credits to try to make sure I'm ready to transfer next fall) a couple of people seem to have an urge to jump on that and try to make us feel stupid. And they keep saying shit like "I don't know how you do it all" to me, and the hostility has only increased as I continue to do better and better.

You aren't validating their decisions to toss their dreams, anymore, Nigel.

[Freeky]

Frankly, I'm starting to suspect something that might be akin to jealousy, even though it doesn't make any sense at all. The only of us who are getting this shit are the two who are in school, and every time one of us talks about a plan for the future (Mona wants to go to Germany to write and do lab research after she finishes her degree next spring, I'm in a nifty program that will hook me up with paid research internships and taking extra credits to try to make sure I'm ready to transfer next fall) a couple of people seem to have an urge to jump on that and try to make us feel stupid. And they keep saying shit like "I don't know how you do it all" to me, and the hostility has only increased as I continue to do better and better.

This has the feel of truth in a baffling situation.  Ask them straight up what their problem is, and if they get even more hostile say "Look, you're being a dick, and I don't have time for this shenanigans right now, so you can A) chill out and be a good friend or B) Keep it up, in which case I'll just have to step back for a while."

[trippinprincezz13]

Frankly, I'm starting to suspect something that might be akin to jealousy, even though it doesn't make any sense at all.

That's kind of what it sounds like, especially combined with

And oddly, as I grow older and less contentious, they seem to become more contradictory and, in some cases, even disparaging.
[...]
I also kind of feel like now that I finally have my post-divorce life under control and going in a positive direction, all of a sudden this group of friends has started treating me as if I'm less competent. It's baffling.

Sounds kind of like when you were going through rougher times, they could look to you and think "At least I don't have it as bad as Nigel" or "At least Nigel and I are in the same boat" and ignore any problems or disappointments they had. Now that you and Mona are moving forward and doing something with your lives while they're stagnating, so they can't point a finger at you any more and are stuck evaluating the courses their lives have taken, dreams put aside, etc. and are left feeling insecure. But actually trying to address the issues in one's own life is obviously too hard - much easier to just drag someone back down with you.

Obviously, take all that with a grain of salt since, well, I don't know you're friends and have a tendency to overanalyze or question people's motives.

But yea, unsolicited advice where they think they could be helpful due to past experience or whatever is one thing. "No you're doing it wrong" without any inquiry or explanation, etc. seems to be tinged with jealousy and insecurity

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Just a thought:

"Since I got my post-divorce life under control and started making forward progress on my education, someone in particular has been laying on the 'bitchy' extra heavy" translates to "My idiot friend resents my new found independence" in many dialects. If you get in a button pushing mood, might be fun to see what happens when you question the state of her current relationship.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I think you guys have nailed it. My FBF (who hasn't spoken to me since yesterday, after she asked "What makes you think you're so special that Spanish homework will be SO SO easy just for YOU?") has always been kind of insecure about her life station. She talked like she was late to the game of being taken seriously as an adult... late to marry, late to buy a house. Nevermind that she put herself through Berkeley and got and MPH at PSU and is always the best at what she does everywhere she works and now has her dream job at her favorite nonprofit... it's not enough to assuage that insecurity.

The others might be suffering from something similar. Z, the baby, just finished law school and hasn't passed the bar yet, has never been married, no kids, doesn't own a home (not that owning a house is necessarily a good idea these days, it's just one of those arbitrary markers of adulthood that people think is meaningful).

At least they can always count on my love life being a mess. I totally see myself as an old spinster scientist someday.

[Don Coyote]

I totally see myself as an old spinster scientist someday.

That is the stuff mad science is made of, and in the end isn't that what life is really all about?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I totally see myself as an old spinster scientist someday.

That is the stuff mad science is made of, and in the end isn't that what life is really all about?

HELL yes.

[DECI4]

Nigel, could you please explain what "FBF" means? I'm afraid my E-lingo is shoddy at best.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Nigel, could you please explain what "FBF" means? I'm afraid my E-lingo is shoddy at best.

Female Best Friend, I think, is the common expansion.

[DECI4]

Nigel, could you please explain what "FBF" means? I'm afraid my E-lingo is shoddy at best.

Female Best Friend, I think, is the common expansion.

Thanks.