OPEN BAR: I see you've come to PD. I too like to live dangerously

[Sita]

I third and second that.
Any kind of volunteer work is a good start.
Walk into every company near you where you think you could work (for at least a month without killing either yourself or someone else) and just chat with people there for a minute or two. Asking about a job is obviously very smart in this situation but even if you don't it is always good networking practice. The conversations may very well grant you insight in what is expected of workers in various jobs (allowing you to ace any interviews you get).

What are your skills and wishes job-wise?

The bolded is very much a problem for me. I do not talk well with people, especially strangers. Small talk was never a thing I understood and I never had to develop the ability to do so while growing up.

Skills..hmm. Used to be a good typist, but have slowed over the years. I'd probably be good with sorting or filing stuff.
Job-wise wishes would be to never have to deal with the public and deal very little with coworkers (confrontations literally shut me down and I hate office politics, thus wish to avoid them)

Of course both those are things that I have no real chance of achieving, but you did say wishes.

Have you considered turning your CV into a tissue of lies? I'm quite serious. The hardest part about getting a job is getting through the door. If it's something you can do, tailor CV and covering letter to meet exact skills required and you've been doing that FOR YEARS.

In terms of skills, what do you enjoy doing? I suspect the range of occupations is wider than being considered and I've never met anyone yet who enjoyed typing.

What's a CV?

I enjoy tinkering with things, have a real interest in electronics. Also programming. Know next to nothing about either, but doesn't stop me from taking apart something that's stopped working to see it's inside bits. And at times I've even managed to fix it. And I love messing with my webpages trying out different looks and styles.

I like organizing things, though can get a little over zealous with it (as in make too many categories to sort, say mp3s, into).

[LMNO]

CV= Resume.  Stands for some Latin crap, Curriculum Vitae

[P3nT4gR4m]

We prefer to use latin in this country on account of - fuck the french 

[Junkenstein]

I third and second that.
Any kind of volunteer work is a good start.
Walk into every company near you where you think you could work (for at least a month without killing either yourself or someone else) and just chat with people there for a minute or two. Asking about a job is obviously very smart in this situation but even if you don't it is always good networking practice. The conversations may very well grant you insight in what is expected of workers in various jobs (allowing you to ace any interviews you get).

What are your skills and wishes job-wise?

The bolded is very much a problem for me. I do not talk well with people, especially strangers. Small talk was never a thing I understood and I never had to develop the ability to do so while growing up.

Skills..hmm. Used to be a good typist, but have slowed over the years. I'd probably be good with sorting or filing stuff.
Job-wise wishes would be to never have to deal with the public and deal very little with coworkers (confrontations literally shut me down and I hate office politics, thus wish to avoid them)

Of course both those are things that I have no real chance of achieving, but you did say wishes.

Have you considered turning your CV into a tissue of lies? I'm quite serious. The hardest part about getting a job is getting through the door. If it's something you can do, tailor CV and covering letter to meet exact skills required and you've been doing that FOR YEARS.

In terms of skills, what do you enjoy doing? I suspect the range of occupations is wider than being considered and I've never met anyone yet who enjoyed typing.

What's a CV?

I enjoy tinkering with things, have a real interest in electronics. Also programming. Know next to nothing about either, but doesn't stop me from taking apart something that's stopped working to see it's inside bits. And at times I've even managed to fix it. And I love messing with my webpages trying out different looks and styles.

I like organizing things, though can get a little over zealous with it (as in make too many categories to sort, say mp3s, into).

I'd go after small/medium sized family owned business based around the computing sector. I'd present it as lots of prior experience working in small teams multitasking/admin various systems to increase business efficacy. Play up your interest in the field and how you're looking for work in an environment that you'll enjoy and be able to learn in.

[Sita]

There are a few computer shops around town, even though they usually only have 2 or 3 people working there guess it couldn't hurt to ask.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I third and second that.
Any kind of volunteer work is a good start.
Walk into every company near you where you think you could work (for at least a month without killing either yourself or someone else) and just chat with people there for a minute or two. Asking about a job is obviously very smart in this situation but even if you don't it is always good networking practice. The conversations may very well grant you insight in what is expected of workers in various jobs (allowing you to ace any interviews you get).

What are your skills and wishes job-wise?

The bolded is very much a problem for me. I do not talk well with people, especially strangers. Small talk was never a thing I understood and I never had to develop the ability to do so while growing up.

Skills..hmm. Used to be a good typist, but have slowed over the years. I'd probably be good with sorting or filing stuff.
Job-wise wishes would be to never have to deal with the public and deal very little with coworkers (confrontations literally shut me down and I hate office politics, thus wish to avoid them)

Of course both those are things that I have no real chance of achieving, but you did say wishes.

Have you considered turning your CV into a tissue of lies? I'm quite serious. The hardest part about getting a job is getting through the door. If it's something you can do, tailor CV and covering letter to meet exact skills required and you've been doing that FOR YEARS.

In terms of skills, what do you enjoy doing? I suspect the range of occupations is wider than being considered and I've never met anyone yet who enjoyed typing.

What's a CV?

I enjoy tinkering with things, have a real interest in electronics. Also programming. Know next to nothing about either, but doesn't stop me from taking apart something that's stopped working to see it's inside bits. And at times I've even managed to fix it. And I love messing with my webpages trying out different looks and styles.

I like organizing things, though can get a little over zealous with it (as in make too many categories to sort, say mp3s, into).

I'd go after small/medium sized family owned business based around the computing sector. I'd present it as lots of prior experience working in small teams multitasking/admin various systems to increase business efficacy. Play up your interest in the field and how you're looking for work in an environment that you'll enjoy and be able to learn in.

Concur! Small business sector is a total soft target for exaggerated IT experience claims. Your mark should have little to no computing expertise in house, making you the guru by default. Anything you can do is pretty much instant ROI. Be warned, three quarters of your time will be spent showing the boss how to add an email attachment from a folder on the server and shit like that but it pays the rent and it's very easy to make yourself an indispensable asset in no time flat.

Bullshitting your way into a corporate IT dept, on the other hand, is a much taller order and, unless you're a fucking genius, you'll be found out, sent packing and probably facing a lawsuit within a couple of hours of sitting down at your desk.

[Junkenstein]

Also worth adding figures to your achievements. "Enabled $XXXXX of continuing business" "Sourced £XXXXXX new business over XX time." "Responsible for administration of contracts with £XXXXX value/P.A" etc. 

The way I generally work, someone has to earn me around 10X what I pay them for me to be pretty confident that everyone's getting a good shake. This is pretty well known rule of thumb in business circles so make sure the wage you want is about 10-12% of what the total "new business" or whatever figure is.

[Suu]

Sita, CV means Curriculum Vitae. It's another form of a resume that highlights academic achievements as well as work experience. It's more common in Europe than in the US, though CVs are used here for specific job fields as well.

[Sita]

But I have no real knowledge. And I definitely have nothing to put on a resume (my last job was at a pizza place and that was 12 years ago).
It might be good for you guys to BS a resume or CV or whatever, but there is no way in hell I could pull it off.

[trippinprincezz13]

Nah, just takes a bit of confidence and ability to show that you can do the job. A chunk of truth with some exaggerations and a bit of fabrication. If it looks and reads pretty it'll at least get your foot in the door.

A friend may have given me that sort of base to start from, I made it look nice, which got them the interview and opportunity to test, both of which they passed and I made a nice bit of cash for my help. They still had to prove they could do the job, but I made the resume and cover letter look nice.

Obviously you're not going to say that you have some highly specialized skills that you don't have, but take what you can and could do and make it sound better.

And I'm certainly no Ms. Self-Confidence and Good Dealing with People - but just having the confidence in what you know you're capable of helps

[Junkenstein]

But I have no real knowledge. And I definitely have nothing to put on a resume (my last job was at a pizza place and that was 12 years ago).
It might be good for you guys to BS a resume or CV or whatever, but there is no way in hell I could pull it off.

I think you'll be genuinely surprised at how little actual IT knowledge some places expect. I've gotten more than a few interviews and job offers because I've filled my CV with "Experience with Microsoft(MS) Word, excel and outlook. Provided you know about the magic of F1 you're set for a large chunk of basic admin/office roles. If you're seriously worried about not having the competence to fulfill these kind of roles, I'll note that you're writing in good quality English which is a serious step up from most e-mails I get.

Most charities and such would gladly take a volunteer in these kind of areas too if you really want some experience/confidence.

Honestly, the hardest part about ANY office kind of job is turning up the next day. Blast out CV's to likely places and ring them every few months. About 40% of my job hunting nowadays involves talking to people I've previously had some kind of contact with. Sooner or later, someone somewhere will fuck up or extra hands will be needed and you'll be in.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

All day training class.  Useless motivational shit.  I want to throw bunnies in front of a train.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

All day training class.  Useless motivational shit.  I want to throw bunnies in front of a train.

I HATE THAT SHIT.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Sita, I second (or possibly third) the suggestion to volunteer. If you are eager and motivated, volunteer positions can make you eligible for paid positions within the same organization, and even if that doesn't happen it both looks great on a resume and gives you skill training.

Almost all organizations have a need for people to do clerical and tech work, because most people who volunteer at, say, a wetlands preservation society are more drawn to the idea of spending their time restoring and monitoring the wetland, or guiding tours, or doing public outreach, than maintaining a mailing list, doing data-entry, or updating the website. So my #1 suggestion is find an organization near you that is doing something you're on board with, and contact them about volunteering.

[hooplala]

Two days from now, I'm moving to Toronto. I'll have a job when I get there, and it appears that things are beginning to go well for a change, in spite of the temporary indignity of staying at my grandparents' place. I've had progress in therapy here, and I've begun to identify at least one of the mechanisms behind my behaviors. If I spend the summer establishing a routine to methodically adjust this mechanism, maybe I'll even be a functioning human being by winter.

Good on ya, dude. 

Toronto is a fun town, even if it's full of degenerates.

This is true!

And, on a brighter note than earlier, I have an interview for a graphic design job on Tuesday!