OPEN BAR: I see you've come to PD. I too like to live dangerously

[Eater of Clowns]

Dear Mr The Good Reverend,

I don't mean to alarm you but I suggest that you sit down to read this and strive not to show any visible signs of distress.

We have located your checked baggage in Guatemala City. Please do not look to the baggage which you collected before departing the airport. Give nothing away. A team of specialists is en route to your location and you must follow their instructions strictly. We will get you out of there safely.

It is in your best interests that you remain calmly seated, so I will provide you with the facts as we have them and encourage you to stay where you are and let your eyes not leave this letter.

Three hours ago I was alerted to an anomalous occurrence during your flight. Two baggage handlers were discovered incapacitated and


ZZZZZIIIIIIIIIP


bound. Our logs regarding the plane's cargo have been tampered with but we believe a malicious party intercepted your baggage between your dropping it off and the plane and replaced it with a seemingly identical bag full of, and I stress this, SEEMINGLY IDENTICAL BELONGINGS.


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP THUD


We have seen this pattern before and in most cases contain the situation before any arriving passengers collect their bags but regrettably in this instance we were unable to do so. The team sent to intercept the baggage before your collection have not been heard from but I will not be surprised if we discover them near your property after ensuring your safe escape.

Oh this is good.

Malevolent luggage.

MALEVOLENT FUCKING LUGGAGE.

[Faust]

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

[minuspace]

Dear Mr The Good Reverend,

I don't mean to alarm you but I suggest that you sit down to read this and strive not to show any visible signs of distress.

We have located your checked baggage in Guatemala City. Please do not look to the baggage which you collected before departing the airport. Give nothing away. A team of specialists is en route to your location and you must follow their instructions strictly. We will get you out of there safely.

It is in your best interests that you remain calmly seated, so I will provide you with the facts as we have them and encourage you to stay where you are and let your eyes not leave this letter.

Three hours ago I was alerted to an anomalous occurrence during your flight. Two baggage handlers were discovered incapacitated and


ZZZZZIIIIIIIIIP


bound. Our logs regarding the plane's cargo have been tampered with but we believe a malicious party intercepted your baggage between your dropping it off and the plane and replaced it with a seemingly identical bag full of, and I stress this, SEEMINGLY IDENTICAL BELONGINGS.


ZZZZZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP THUD


We have seen this pattern before and in most cases contain the situation before any arriving passengers collect their bags but regrettably in this instance we were unable to do so. The team sent to intercept the baggage before your collection have not been heard from but I will not be surprised if we discover them near your property after ensuring your safe escape.

Oh this is good.

Malevolent luggage.

MALEVOLENT FUCKING LUGGAGE.

Eh, claro que si, bueno, si es de Guatemala, tiene esser malevolente, como male-volante, es dirigible 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The airline has located my checked baggage.

In Guatemala City.

TGRR,
Has his checked baggage in the room, and is sort of puzzled by this turn of events.

OH NO

YOU DON'T WANT THAT LUGGAGE.

[LMNO]

OBJECTS HAVE SHIFTED DURING FLIGHT!  OBJECTS HAVE SHIFTED DURING FLIGHT!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

Good luck, sir.

I know it's pretty much as next door as you can get to any country, but how do you feel about it? Where in the UK are you moving to?

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Ok, so, I heard back from Gen Bio I/Genetics prof. He seems interested in my hypothesis. AND, I seem to have found a fairly quick way to give a cursory look at my hypothesis, at least in part. It might be easy because of genome size, or it might be hard due to evolutionary gulf. But I think I now have a starting point to look at.

Thank God for small genomes.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Holy shit, Roger. Don't use the shaving cream without a bomb squad on stand-by.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The airline has located my checked baggage.

In Guatemala City.

TGRR,
Has his checked baggage in the room, and is sort of puzzled by this turn of events.

OH NO

YOU DON'T WANT THAT LUGGAGE.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S DYING TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?  REALLY?

[Reginald Ret]

The airline has located my checked baggage.

In Guatemala City.

TGRR,
Has his checked baggage in the room, and is sort of puzzled by this turn of events.

OH NO

YOU DON'T WANT THAT LUGGAGE.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S DYING TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?  REALLY?

Go right ahead, i would like to know as well but remember that Dying is the keyword here.

[Junkenstein]

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

I give it less than a week before someone bitches to you about immigrants taking UK jobs to you.

Actually, 5 days. You're going down south, right?

[minuspace]

The airline has located my checked baggage.

In Guatemala City.

TGRR,
Has his checked baggage in the room, and is sort of puzzled by this turn of events.

OH NO

YOU DON'T WANT THAT LUGGAGE.

AM I THE ONLY PERSON WHO'S DYING TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THAT BAG?  REALLY?

Go right ahead, i would like to know as well but remember that Dying is the keyword here.

The dye pack would have already detonated.  Just say the devil made you do it

[Faust]

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

Good luck, sir.

I know it's pretty much as next door as you can get to any country, but how do you feel about it? Where in the UK are you moving to?

It's going to be weird for a while, it will definitely take some getting used to. I'm moving to Essex, the place we are in seems nice but a lot of it seems kind of rough (fake tans everywhere).

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

I give it less than a week before someone bitches to you about immigrants taking UK jobs to you.

Actually, 5 days. You're going down south, right?

South East yeah, I imagine so. The funny thing is I'm still in the same job, just transferring to the UK branch.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

One week left in Ireland before I'm an immigrant in the UK.

Good luck, sir.

I know it's pretty much as next door as you can get to any country, but how do you feel about it? Where in the UK are you moving to?

It's going to be weird for a while, it will definitely take some getting used to. I'm moving to Essex, the place we are in seems nice but a lot of it seems kind of rough (fake tans everywhere).

It'll probably be fine. You won't be far from Cork either way. Congrats.

[Junkenstein]

Revising that to 3 days. Enjoy your sojourn the the UKIP heartland.