Discordians in History
Net: Can we lay out this piece like a textbook? OOH, we could set up some test questions in a box for class discussion, or add a homework assignment. (brainstorm brainstorm, making more work for all of us...) I have plenty of textbook pages I could scan if it would help.
Discordians in the Middle Ages
Discordians flourished between the fifth and fifteenth century. This was a period of great cultural, political, and economic change in Europe - change which Discordians violently shook like a colicky infant. The Queen didn't like this, and did not invite them to the Renaissance Faire. Outraged, the Discordians showed up in drag, drunk on Tequila Mockingbirds, and hit on everybody.
Most of them ended up in the stockade, where they were pelted with apples.
It it not known whether medieval Discordians were literate. They commonly wrote in the incomprehensible Zwack alphabet. Discordians held that most people, even nobles and priests, were too hunchbrained to make any sense of their baffling script. Contemporary linguists and cryptologists believe Zwack to be incomprehensible gibberish, but modern Discordians hold that these hunchbrains are merely too scholarly to make sense of their blithering script.
The Spanish Inquisition
In 1478, King Ferdinand of Aragon and Queen Isabella of Castile begat the Spanish Inquisition. Although it was not publicly revealed until after his death, one of Ferdinand's advisers, Peter Pie the Pious, was a Discordian saint. The inquisition was originally intended to distract King Ferdinand from St. Pie's primary project, porking Queen Isabella. Soon, zealots began burning heretics and making whooping noises. The inquisition had gotten way out of hand.
Despite his sultry success with Isabella, St. Pie was saddened by these violent developments. He made a private apology to the Discordians of Spain, but it was not accepted as they were too busy screaming and burning to death. Wracked with guilt, he fell on his sword in 1490. His final words were "Fraternitas ante scortari," or "Bros before hos".
The Dildoes of Bacon
Oft mentioned in the same regard as the Iron Maiden of Nuremberg or the Rack of the White Tower, the Dildoes of Bacon hailed from one of the Inquisition's more terrifying periods. Mentioned only in scribbles at the back of the first edition Maleus Maleficarum, and often dismissed as a perverted scribes joke, the horrid truth is that these dildoes did exist.
Excerpt as such:
“At such time that the nobility of ::obscured:: province began to accuse each other of heresy and witchcraft for their own profit, an Inquisitor was dispatched to discover the truth of the matter.
A suspect was brought before the court and asked to confess their heretical belief and practice. When refusing, they would be foretold that they would suffer torture to extract the truth, and the dildoes would be shown unto them. At the merest sight of these implements both the stoic and the frail, be they woman or man, confessed, preferring flames at the stake to torment upon the dildoes. This is moft fortunate, for in such time as elapsed since their last employment, that no agent of the inquisition knew how for to use them in the extraction of truth.
So terrible were they to the very mind of the sufpect, that even a doughty old gentle, renowned for deed on the field of war and at the hunt, believed to be hearty and tough in every way, did faint dead away at their sight. He was revived with a draught of strong vinegar,and promptly made his confession. He met death at the stake gladly, for the sight had caused him develop a moft horrible prolapfe of the bowelf.
It should be recorded that in dimension, thee Dildoes were a score and three ::unit of measure obscured: in length, and five ::unit ofmeasure obscured:: about the circumference. May Lord God have mercy upon they who created and knew them!”
- Diagram obscured by varicoloredstain::
The Salem Witch Trials
In 1692, Discordians invented the first game of SINK when the Queche Quidditch Qabal threw Goodwife Tabatha Comstock in the Connecticut river. When the local constable demanded an explanation, Rev. Sandwitch of Rye replied that they were testing to see if she was a witch. The constable thought this was such a good idea that he brought his wife to the river and tested her for witchiness. She sure was witchy. Tequila was passed around and things rapidly got out of hand, and soon enough, all the women in town were soaking wet. Later, they were burned at the stake.
Fawkes was born on 13 April 1570 in Stonegate, York, England. He first logged onto the internet on 16 April, 1586. He wrote several worthy posts and disappeared for some time, leaving some to ponder whether he had been jailed.
Fawkes' father Edward was descended from the Fawkes family of Farnley and he was either an In Real Life troll or a regular spag in the ecclesiastic courts, later becoming an advocate of the oppressive forum administration regime.
Fawkes was originally raised as a Sub-Genius, but in those days, you had to continue paying fees, which he could not maintain.
In 1592 Fawkes sold the Cadillac he had inherited from his father. In 1593, he enlisted in His Imperial Majesty's Elite Orbital Bombing Squadron (internet division). He served for many years as a soldier, gaining considerable expertise with expletives.
While serving in the Iron Troll Brigade, he adopted the name Guido, the Spanish form of Guy. He denied that this was a spaggy name.
("Guido's" Sig, totally not a spag.)
By 1602 he was still a total n00bler. There is some evidence that Fawkes was in considerable poverty around this time.
It's unsure how he came into contact with co-conspirators Winter and Catesby. Some postulate that that they discovered him attempting to blow up a Protestant Church whilst themselves scouting the church out for the same purpose.
It is assumed that the trio then went to the pub, as is usual when internet personalities meet up in real life. Over a mammoth drinking session, it was decided that blowing up the King would be "totally fuckin' win!", and so the conspiracy began.
Fawkes, with his expertise in expletives, was to fill the cellars underneath the Kings throne with all-caps vulgarity. Meanwhile, Winter would set up the webcams that would broadcast the jake, and Catesby would publicize the event using IRC chat rooms.
The plan almost succeeded, but one of the channel regulars, butt-hurt after a flame war with Catesby, called the cops.
Later, during trial, Fawkes stated that he had plotted the jake, "Fore thee Lulz".
He was hung, drawn, quartered, and IP banz0rred on 31 January, 1606.
Discordians burn stuff in his honor all over the world, occasionally burning effigies of him, particularly in the U.K., as no one likes someone getting a big ego.