Principia Discordia > Discordian Recipes

How to not be a fat bastard.

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Doktor Howl:
Okay, having lost 35 pounds, a few people have asked me how I did it.  What you're going to get here is a very difficult plan that requires discipline.  There is no easy way.  I'd also like to give credit to Nigel, who helped develop the bare-bones plan that the doctor gave me into a more comprehensive and effective method.

First, cut out all of the following:

Fast food.  No exceptions other than salads.
Anything that went in a deep fryer.  Period.
Booze of any kind.  No exceptions, no days off.
Junk food (chips, ice cream, pastries, etc)
Non-diet soda.  This one is a killer.

You will notice that I have not mentioned carbs, etc.  There is good reason for this.  You NEED carbs.

Second, plan your calorie limit.  Nigel pointed out a really good site, http://thedailyplate.com  Go there, and plug in your height, weight, age, etc, and tell it the following, no matter what the real case is:

1.  I wish to maintain my present weight.
2.  I do low/moderate exercise

When you do this, it will give you your "break even" calories.  Subtract 500 from this number.  This is your target goal, every day except Sunday.  On Sunday, hit your break even number, but don't exceed it.  You need to do this to be in decent condition for Monday at work, and to give yourself a rest.

Third, plan your diet, using the number generated above for your total daily intake.  HOWEVER, no meal should be larger than the following example:

1.  Two slices of bread, low cal mayo, and either a piece of cheese OR meat the size of the palm of your hand.
2.  A pile of veggies the size of your fist.

Calculate the calories involved (regging an account at the daily plate opens up all kinds of neat tools for doing this), and you can figure the number of meals per day.  This is important...the idea is to shrink your stomach.  Multiple small meals are better than 3 solid meals.  Space these out evenly over the day.  Plan 340 calories for 2 slimfasts or the like.  This is important, and I'll cover it later.  Also, plan 90 calories for bed time (also covered later)

If you aren't having a sammich, then substitute it with the food you are going to eat, but nothing larger than your fist in total volume.

Fourth,  Eat a piece of fruit within 20 minutes of waking up (or veggies, etc), to keep your body from going into conservation mode.

Fifth, Veggies should be about 80% of your diet.  This has the added advantage of being CHEAP.  ONE piece of fruit per day (loose fruit like berries, etc, should again be the size of your fist.)  Bear in mind that for these purposes, tomatoes are veggies, but corn and peas are fruit.

Sixth, DO NOT EAT WHILE ON THE COMPUTER OR WHILE WATCHING TV.  If it's time to eat, get away from the comp or TV.  Break the habit of eating while you do these things, they're killers.

Seventh, Diet soda has zero calories.  Coffee has 4 calories per cup, tea has zero, and water has zero.  No milk (if you need calcium, take Tums), no juice.

Eighth, LEAVE THE TABLE HUNGRY.  Do NOT fill up with low/no cal food like pickles, etc.  The idea here is to shrink your stomach, which will ease unnecessary hunger.  When you get too fucking hungry, have one of your two slimfasts.  They're nothing but Potassium, and will trick your hunger for a couple of hours.

Ninth, Eat a salad right before bed.  Garden salad ONLY.  No meat, no eggs, no anything.  Lettuce and sliced veggies only.  Use either balsamic vinagarette or low fat Italian dressing.  DO NOT PUT THE DRESSING ON THE SALAD, leave it on the side, and dip into it.  This salad will let you go to bed without an empty stomach, and will also have the added advantage of making you shit the whole world out of your guts in the morning, which will make you feel better than you'd think possible.

Tenth, NO CHEATING.  NO "VACATIONS".  Not even if you're at a fucking wedding.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  I cannot stress this enough.

Eleventh  Do cardio workouts.  Do not lift weights.  All the weights you need are already attached to your fat ass.  Treadmill is best (eliptical if you have bad knees), go as fast as you can comfortably walk for one hour, then a 5 minute cool down.  If you can't afford the gym, just go for a walk, but keep your pace up.  Drive out a 2 mile route, and use it.  When that becomes easy, and it will, add a mile.  4-6 miles is the most you want to do.  IF YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT, DO NOT - I REPEAT DO NOT - RUN.  Your knees won't like it.  Calculate the calories (daily plate or elsewhere) burned AND ADD THEM TO YOUR DAILY ALLOWANCE.  Replace those calories, you'll need them.  The purpose of exercise is to stimulate your metabolism, not burn fat.  It requires a marathon to lose one pound of real weight.  Lastly, drink loads of water while doing this and DO NOT WEAR PLASTIC OR WHATEVER TO MAKE YOURSELF SWEAT.  Water weight loss is an illusion, and will FUCK YOUR KIDNEYS UP.  Work out for two days straight, then take a day off, then two more days, then a day off, etc.

Twelvth, NO FUCKING CHEATING.  NO VACATIONS.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  EAT NOTHING YOU HAVEN'T PLANNED INTO YOUR DIET.  This is NOT easy, for the first several weeks you are going to be in pain from hunger, feel weak, cranky, everything else.  This is NORMAL.   It is the price you pay for NOT BEING A FATASS.  The Slimfasts are there to help you.

There's a few more hints I'll post as they come to mind, and I'd appreciate Nigel's input, but that's the basic plan.

Okay for now,
Dok.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel:
This is good. This is very good.

I am going to add one thing, which I call "GO OUTSIDE".

Yes, that's right. You're eating well, you're in control of your calories, you have a gym membership. Know what? Is the gym fucking OUTSIDE? No, it isn't. GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE

Cheapest workout program you have ever met.

OK, sure, you live in a  desert and it's 120 degrees or your free time is in the middle of the night and you'd rather not get raped. So go to the gym. But everyone else, spend a motherfucking hour a day outside. Not on your ass; just wandering around. It's like a goddamn miracle, how much better you'll feel. Sometimes it even cures depression.

LMNO, PhD (life continues):
Dok, that sounds about right.


Harder thing to do than it sounds, really: Food, eat less of it.  Movement, do more of it.

I'm trying.  Just by going to the gym at lunch, I'm down from 211 to 207.


I was gonna keep it to myself, but maybe we should have a "DON'T BE A FATASS" mini-thread.

BADGE OF HONOR:
I have to disagree about the not lifting weights thing, being strong is awesome and more muscle helps you burn fat.  And carbs or not, protein is where it's at.

I don't even own a set of weights or a gym membership, I just have a duffle bag full of rocks that I do a couple of exercises with every day (either pushups/deadlifts or pullups/squats, alternating).  My tiny T-rex arms are laughably weak but I've actually built some muscle on them which is awesome.
 
I also do high intensity interval training cause I don't have the willpower to do long periods of cardio.  My knees are in good enough shape that I can sprint for a couple minutes without fear of injuring myself, though you can do it with swimming or biking or whatever.  It doesn't take very long and most importantly it's interesting and gives me something to think about besides whether or not I'm going to have an asthma attack.

Doktor Howl:

--- Quote from: BADGE OF HONOR on April 16, 2010, 08:58:54 pm ---I have to disagree about the not lifting weights thing, being strong is awesome and more muscle helps you burn fat.  And carbs or not, protein is where it's at.

I don't even own a set of weights or a gym membership, I just have a duffle bag full of rocks that I do a couple of exercises with every day (either pushups/deadlifts or pullups/squats, alternating).  My tiny T-rex arms are laughably weak but I've actually built some muscle on them which is awesome.
 
I also do high intensity interval training cause I don't have the willpower to do long periods of cardio.  My knees are in good enough shape that I can sprint for a couple minutes without fear of injuring myself, though you can do it with swimming or biking or whatever.  It doesn't take very long and most importantly it's interesting and gives me something to think about besides whether or not I'm going to have an asthma attack.

--- End quote ---

I'm just saying what worked for me. 

And any workout is better than none, but for fat burn, you can't beat cardio.

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