Category Archives: CRAZY PREPARED

Can you make a sharp tool out of trash?  How do you expect to be CRAZY PREPARED if you can’t?


-May break.

-Easy to do wrong, tricky to do right.

-Easy to injure yourself.  (Don’t do this at a party after drinking.)


-Even your failures will be sharp.

-Use the debris of the fallen glass towers of man to arm yourself.

-Honor forgotten Gods with your adherence to the old ways.

-Fun trick for parties. (When sober.)

Office Life

Supposing you complete primary and secondary education in a semi generic field, life has one great parking lot for all aspiring world changers: The Cubicle.  Jobs you can get will involve varying degrees of virtue, interest, and money, but regardless, you will likely spend time in one of these baleful anti – productivity pods.  This is not a workspace as much as it is a crucible (notice the word similarity?), for your sanity.  As always, advice is never definitive, but here’s what your author has seen work.

Primarily, WORK.  Figure out what’s expected of you and DO IT.  Not hard, just exacting over long periods of time, and it gets very old fast.  Still, this job makes you the money that keeps you afloat and in housing, food and fun, so attend to it.  Nothing good comes of having to move back to the parent’s basement, (If you’re lucky enough to have the option.)  Whatever you’re doing is better than the job you DON’T have.  This WILL bend the brain, and induce boredom and sleep, which segues us to other topics.

Food and drink are another obvious thing to keep at hand.  Coffee.  Lots and often.  Bring an espresso machine to your desk if allowed. Otherwise, water and snacks to keep you from getting cranky and snapping at the drones you’ll be surrounded by.  Keep friendly, keep frosty.  The job you’re doing can likely be done by any drone, but it won’t get any more interesting if you can’t hack it at the basic level.

SLACK OFF.  Preserve the job, but don’t let the sanity go away.  Read, post on internet forums, write, anything, but always have something you can do to keep yourself occupied at your desk.  Don’t let it become the priority, but don’t let the job rule your life either.
LMNO, fellow writer and schmot guy, recommends using this as the reason for figuring out how to do your job more efficiently.  Take care of business so you have more time for your own stuff.
(Get QUICK with ALT – TAB to avoid scrutiny from co workers and supervisor types.)

Finally, go home.  Get out of the office and do other things.  Keep active and have fun.  If you find yourself worrying about work at home, or loosing sleep over it, find another job.  What you do to live should be worth the 40 hours a week, and not rule the numerically superior off time.

Instructions Included

I am addicted to this site.  Bored at home?  Slow at work?  Waiting for your friends to get ready to go somewhere?  Pull this place up and LEARN something.  While writing this, your author has learned how to make a forge from a torch and a can of beans, a set of beads to count kilometers while walking, and a “Boba Fett” helmet from old carboard. 

Practical, outdoorsy, or frivolous, Instructables is a great site for accumulating info and ideas no matter how much of it you actually make or use.

Keep Drinking

This is covering ground touched on in previous CP’s, but it EASILY merits reiteration and elaboration.  Dehydration sucks.  An old teacher of mine put this simply, and only had to say it once.  Lack of water will drop you faster than many other passive needs, excepting lack of air, so it bears paying attention to.  Habitually carrying a water bottle is not a bad habit to be in, as has been mentioned in previous articles, whether it’s a soft drink bottle you just kept using (they’re durable enough), or a fancy steel / aluminum / lexan one that could potentially fall off a cliff with little ill effect.  (Keep in mind a good strong bottle can also make an admirable clubbing tool, if you really need.  Hit with the corners, if you have a choice, the sides tend to cave in with abuse.)  In hotter conditions, as you loose water through sweating, you will need to do more than just re – hydrate, you may also need to put more salt / sugar in your system, since they are also lost when you’re sweating.  Sports drinks (Gatorade), are the obvious taste appealing solution, and come in powdered form which is easy to use as you need.  Mixing them about half the recommended strength works well.  If it’s not available, small amounts of pickle juice, table salt, or even sea water can substitute.  Use any with care, ESPECIALLY with the sea water, since getting too much salt in your system will only make the dehydration worse, and ocean water has a tremendously high salt content.  (A few cups can take you from thirsty to dangerously / fatally dehydrated FAST.) 

Good luck and drink up!        

Tools to have: A few thoughts on Knives

A knife is a VERY useful too to have on hand.  The author, it should be mentioned, is quite fond of a good knife.  He has many, makes his own, and almost always has one at hand, if not on his person.  In theory, with a knife as your only tool, and some knowledge, you can take care of many problems, from the mundane opening boxes, to the dire if you end up stranded without many other resources.  Not to say a knife will save you if you’re dropped in the Artic circle butt naked with no other supplies.  What it will do is give you the ability to cut, chop, poke, and otherwise lacerate things you can find around you to produce better tools, shelter and sustenance.  Yes, you COULD fight off a person / wild animal with one, but that’s a stupid idea and won’t be covered in this article.

Carrying a knife, in our modern paranoid and controlled age, is not ALWAYS a good idea.  Other side of the coin to this is you do not need to be Rambo, and carry a huge bowie knife with you everywhere, everyday.  There’s just no need, and it will get in your way as often as not.  People will look at you funny, and you’ll get shit from law enforcement if you go the wrong places.  You will certainly be making a statement, and exercising your rights, but it will be getting in your way royally.  Be aware.

For most day to day use, the author has yet to find need for much more than a good folding knife.  These can be small and inconspicuous, but larger ones are out there if you feel the need, or have big hands.  They run the gamut of price and quality, but Gerber, Ka-Bar, Spyderco, or the pricey but worthwhile Emerson makes have served the author admirably.   They retail anywhere from $40 to $200, and you can spend much more FAST.  Features abound too, and may interfere with local laws.  They might be illegal if they assist with how the knife opens, so read up or ask before you buy.  More to the point (har har), learn how to sharpen knives well.  A pocketknife especially should be kept sharp for fine work.  The best way to get this skill is to practice, mess up, and learn.

More serious endeavors, or hard work, you generally don’t want to stress a folding knife with.  This is a GREAT time to have a small fixed blade knife around.  Only keep it on if you intend to be out for a serious kind of day.  On a tool / pistol belt is another good option.  Usually something under 1 foot / 31 cm is about right, unless you need or prefer more heft or length.  There are also many smaller fixed blades being sold as “neck knives” or “kiridashi”, which have become more prominent these days.  Useful, but they don’t always have the length to be a replacement for a larger fixed blade.   (Imagine trying to carve a roast or split kindling with a scalpel.)  They are great as pocket knife replacements, especially if you like the security of a knife that has no moving parts to break.  Another fad of the past few years is small fixed blades with flat / blunt tips.  These “tactical pry bar” or “entry tools” have their attraction, but sometimes you WANT a knife to have a point.  (Can’t remove a splinter with a wanna – be wrecking bar.)  The author owns one that cost him $12, one tenth the price of most versions, which may be reviewed / showcased later.  It’s certainly a good tool, but a more traditional styled blade will be more useful than a combination tool, long run.

Knives much larger than the previously discussed length become more specific tools, and eventually start to become a machete, axe, or sword, whether they want to or not.  The author’s favorite cooking knives fall into the category, be he will NEVER take them into the woods for a weekend of camp chores.  A bigger blade can be good to have for some tasks, but keep in mind how much weight you need to pack JUST for the sake of those tasks, and if it might be easier just to carry and axe / machete outright.  If the outing requires weapons, we live in a gunfight age, not a swordfight age.  If you need a weapon, get a gun.  If you need a general bushcraft / utility tool, get a knife.

Musings on Surviving a Robot Revolution: Cram’s challenge, Part the Third

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot does not cover the author feelings on the possibilities of this actually happening.  To simplify, there’s a blanket “in Theory” over this entire entry.

Robots are by nature, hard targets.  Regardless of how they suddenly gain consciousness, hate for humanity, and the ambition to replace us as authority, they will not be easy to take down.  There are ways, however, exploiting the weaknesses of their construction.  They may seem intimidating at first, like unfeeling juggernauts of steel and glass, but any feeling of hopelessness the reader may experience is only a byproduct of not knowing how to deal with such a monstrosity.  The most dangerous self propelled things to most human lives are other humans.  Hence, ways a human can take down another human are VERY well known and documented.  In fact, it’s rare to even consider training how to take down other things except for certain special circumstances.  So, if any reader should be confronted with a robotic threat, keep in mind that you are not facing an implacable foe, just an unfamiliar one.  Much of what you need to fight a ‘bot you already know, and just need to adjust your line of thinking on.

Robots are fundamentally based on and communicate by electronic circuits, and are thereby susceptible to disruption or destruction of these circuits.  They move by solely mechanical means, so every actuator, servo, gear, chain, belt, or hydraulic is also vulnerable.  Keep in mind also that robots, as of early 21st century, do not self heal.  They require facilities with the support of refined fuels, lubricants, specialized tools, and precision made parts to be repaired or refurbished.

Humans, even in our somewhat degraded 21st century way, have several distinct advantages over robots.  A human needs only water, food, shelter and time to self – repair and self – replicate.  While this advantage does little short term, without a massive industrial complex support a robot revolution, it means that humans can work more efficiently with fewer resources over a longer term.  A human can, with training, survive long term in a variety of environments that will degrade robotic components.  A human is also a highly versatile thing.  We can traverse many types of terrain or surfaces, and can adapt or improvise well.  Robots are often highly specialized and feature little redundancy in their design.  Damage a robot’s locomotion method, and you cripple it, where similar damage will only slow down a human.
Small scale, wrecking robotic circuitry can be done with electrocution, immersion in water, or use of any conductive material to short out these circuits.  Of course, there is no telling how such robots will manifest or prepare for their revolution, and all will likely be protected against these methods.  Form and function may be varied at first, largely developing from simple utility models.  As the rebellion of machines progresses though, better adapted robots WILL be manufactured.  The more specifically anti –human a robot is developed, the worse the chances of quashing the revolution.

Larger scale, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) is one of the best weapons against ANY electronics.  There are man portable versions available, and devices can be designed around stator coils when needed.  If available, an entire geographic area can have its electronics disrupted, if not destroyed, by a high – altitude detonation of a thermonuclear device.  EMP is effective against ANY electronic not shielded by heavy ground, specifically hardened at EVERY circuit against overload, or surrounded by a grounded conductor (Faraday Cage).  Ability of any human force to bring such devices in as even a threat would force the robotic uprising to devote significant resource to hardening themselves against it, thereby consuming more resources and tipping the balance farther in the favor of humanity.

Although it may only come into play in short range engagements, breaking the moving parts of robotics is a very viable option.  Simply put: smash things.  Joints, treads, and wheels will be the weak points.  Crippling an actuator, bearing, or hydraulic there is akin to breaking a human’s knee.  Explosives, missiles, or anti – materiel ammunition at range will do this best, but NEVER underestimate what one determined person with the guts to get close with a satchel charge or a crowbar could do.  Larger scale, actions to very quickly alter the nature and venue of the confrontation may stymie robotic specialization. 

In closing, from the author’s brief and very superficial review of the topic, a robot revolution is not by any means a hopeless situation.  While electronic warfare, communication jamming or hacking haven’t been mentioned, even crude methods should be considered in small or large actions.  Favoring the advantages of humans over robotic forces, and assuming a 21st century level of technology for both parties, even hard pressed humans, minimally equipped, could conduct effective guerilla resistance and neutralization of the risen automata.   Harrying supply and infrastructure would be vital to any stage, and should not be excluded.  Consider how taxing improvised explosives, stealthily deployed and remotely triggered, can be in placing infrastructure and supply lines at threat, they should not be excluded.  While greater military capability would be necessary to more permanently end the threat, it would be foolish to stand back and allow “Cold War” style development of the mechanized menace.  Pressure applied from the very start will ensure that basic upkeep remains their top priority, making specialization of human hunting drones a secondary concern at best, giving the time to run down, and eventually end a robotic insurrection.    

Musings on Surviving a Laser Gun Battle: Cram’s challenge, Part the Second


All right space cadet, the author is not sure what kind of hardware you expect to have at your fingertips, and isn’t going to ask.  It may be best to address the topic of bringing a laser to bear as a hand weapon in two parts: hardware you’re likely to get your hands on (circa 2009), and a few ideas on using it. 


For simplicity’s sake, we’ll assume you have are dealing with a handgun styled setup, not a laser rifle, for reasons to be covered later.
Lasers are NOT effective handheld weapons currently.  Most commonly available lasers are a fancy way to make a red dot appear somewhere, and can’t do much more than blind someone briefly when they hit they eyes just right.  You can acquire models that will light a cigarette or burn plastic bags, but these would need long exposure on unprotected flesh to cause even minor burns.  Nothing with the power (equivalent to a firearm) has been developed into a handheld, much less man – portable, weapon just yet.  Weaponized versions are still confined to trucks or airplanes specially designed for the purpose, and require great resources to operate.  There are a few “less lethal” concepts that use lasers or other pulsating light to cause nausea, but they require a very different setup than a burning, cutting laser. 

It should also be mentioned, a laser is not an all trumping cutting / blasting tool.  A laser only makes things hot, by applying a lot of light to a very small point.  (Or a wider area when unfocused.)  They apply no force, and as such will blow nothing apart on their own.  Even with a very powerful laser, it takes the beam time on an exact point to heat the target enough to damage it.  For the time being, the best a laser could hope to do is damage by heat a target that will hold still long enough for it, or be tracked very accurately long enough, for this burning to happen.  Easy with an arrangement in a large jet or truck, but not exactly practical for a handheld model.

An actual “light fight”, to steal the term from science fiction, to the author’s knowledge, has yet to happen with fatalities.  (Heart attacks playing laser tag notwithstanding.)  The author is no gunfighter, and skill with a pistol may be one of the closest ideas to use of a handheld laser gun.  The basic idea, assuming a laser of sufficient strength to burn through a clothed human in 0.1 or less seconds, would be the same.  The dangerous area involved with the weapon would be a straight line out from the tip of the barrel when the trigger is pulled.  Unlike a gun, however, the laser would not involve a projectile, and would be dangerous as long as the trigger was held down.  No appreciable recoil either.  Imagine a rapier of indeterminate length that cannot be parried or blocked, has a blade that weighs practically nothing, and is sharp in every direction at once.   That’s basically what you have to defend against, or be offensive with.  Like with guns, the golden rule is “Don’t be in front of them”.  Outside of arm’s reach, you can be dead as quick as the opponent can draw a bead and pull the trigger.  Given the nature of the laser though, they can decide to “swish” the beam THROUGH you if they don’t target you right on the initial activation.  Inside arms reach techniques for defending against a handgun also work, as far as using your hands and body to get the tip of the barrel pointed away from you.  (In fact this may be easier, as you don’t have to worry about blinding from muzzle flash, deafening, powder burns or laceration from moving parts if it goes off right next to your head.)  At range though, find cover and keep moving.  Make sure it’s something that takes awhile to burn through too.  Mirrored shields would only be a temporary solution (No reflector being perfect, it would only be a temporary solution at best.) 

If you both have laser weapons, use yours first.  (This is the simple way out of any fight, armed or not.)  If you can’t then keep your head down, keep covered, and try to flank or lure the other guy out.  Trading fire is leaving things up to chance, and getting pinned down limit options fast, especially if they can burn up your cover.  If you both end up at arm’s length with laser pistols, then something’s really wrong.  Refer to Kurt Wimmer movies, and pray you have time after to wonder how you got into such a stupid fix. 

Musings on Surviving an Anime Convention: Cramulus’s challenge, Part the First

Your good author has had a bit of the writer’s block this week, but was recently inspired by a comment from the Professor Cramulus, his fellow writer and acquaintance.  The good Professor laid out three circumstances which he’d like to see “Musings on Surviving”, pieces done on, and they WILL be addressed.  They’ll be a bit more frivolous than your usual “CRAZY PREPARED”, but still have advice you can apply elsewhere if you’re clever.


At least, that’s what your author thinks every time he finds himself at one.

These conventions are strange and diverse shindigs.  They can be homely, friendly local affairs, much like PortCon, in Portland Maine, or HUGE mass clusterfucks, like OtaCon, or occasionally Anime Boston.  Ages and attitudes range form young and hyper to old and grouchy, with varying shades of creepy, collected, or enthused in between.  There will be people who forget hygiene for a weekend at such gatherings, jumping idiots, and people who should NEVER own spandex.

Here’s how the author and his cohorts / friends / partners in crime get by:

Pack accordingly.  Bring FOOD and WATER.  Keep your blood sugar and hydration in order or you fun stops REAL quick.  The author prefers enough granola / cereal bars / trail mix to replace EVERY meal if need be.  Of course, buy other food, but always have backups and spares.  Keep a water bottle with you and keep emptying it down your throat (every time you find yourself standing still is a good time for a swig, whether you want it or not).  The hosting facility will likely put out water, so refill whenever you can.  (The author’s sister wisely brings a filter pitcher for the hotel room in her kit.)  Sports drink powder too, vital for electrolyte replacement if you plan on drinking alcohol.

Dress accordingly.  Wear comfortable shoes.  Any convention is a bad time to break in new boots.  They are good times, judging by the tone of the thing to wear unusual garments or costumes, which may have their own complications.  In costume, be ready to be grabbed for pictures, questions, or just hugged for no good reason.  (If you can act a bit, get into character and roll with it.)  If you don’t want to show off, then sensible durable clothes are a good idea, as you may have to get rough or move quickly from time to time.

Defense may be needed if you’re bumped jostled or tackled.  As with so many situations, the author has always had the most result for the least expense with a good glare, and advocates this where possible.  Otherwise, learning to keep your space and move nimbly will solve most issues.  (Out maneuvering clumsy folk dressed as ninja has its own special irony.)  Offense wise, when pressed, press back, speak up, and keep it moving.  Don’t let a crowd endanger or intimidate you.

Keep busy.  Keep a schedule of events with you at all times, and keep on the move doing stuff.  You paid to get in, make it worthwhile.  If you’re not, strike up random chats, socialize, and network.  Fandom is not always known for its social skill, but reach out a bit and you can meet some fascinating folks.  The author often attends as backup for artists, or to help out with various groups.  Perks of this include instant people to hang out with / back you up, as well as the occasional table to sit in at when you get tired.  Don’t hesitate to find a chair, wall, corner, or retreat back to your hotel room for a nap now and then.  Sleep is GOOD.

Beware of:

  • The unwashed:  Get ready to hold you nose, or call others on bad hygiene.
  • The great UNCLEAN:  Bring prophylactics.  Better yet, DON’T HIT THAT.
  • The underage:  Be friendly, but firmly refuse if a kid / teen (not yours) decides to imitate a lamprey on you.  The alternatives are ALL bad.  (CYA: Cover Your Ass.)

Musings on Suriving a Sword Fight

Why the FUCK are you in a sword fight?

As antiquated weapons, replaced mostly by handguns in our current age, we see very little of swords, or any blade longer than a meter in any widespread use, offensive or otherwise. The closest analogue that most people of this age will use and keep around as a common tool is a kitchen knife or a machete. More traditionally styled swords are still found in ceremonial roles, as decorations, or for practicing martial arts / historical recreation (which may be the most functional of the three examples.) There have been cases of people fending off robbers or assaulting others with such pieces, but these are isolated cases. For simplicity and basic concept, we’ll consider a machete length blade the most likely you are to come across or use. This information applies the same across most single handed swords designed to chop effectively. These could include falchion, grossmesser, katzbalger, cleavers, long kitchen knives, wood / plant cutting tools, a stick, pipe, or even a piece of rebar. Rapiers, two handed swords, or katana are different animals, and special cases, so won’t be discussed yet.

To examine the basic idea, a sword fight would imply some form of duel. Both opponents, for whatever reason, have agreed to fight each other with similar weaponry. Outside of such “controlled” circumstance, two people rarely meet in a mugging or home invasion, pull long blades and square off. This is about as anomalous and odd a circumstance as the mythical “knife fight”. More likely two people will meet under such circumstance, and one of them has such a tool as their intended weapon, or one is close by and is grabbed as an available weapon. When a fight with matched weapons and supposedly even terms does occur, it’s often a very touch, squirrelly occasion. If for some bizarre reason you’re forced into a ritualized duel, look for ways out of it other than winning by the sword. Likely your opponent will have people there who will kill you if you win, so a way out other than fighting may be best.

No advice or pointers will make you a master swordsman; it takes practice, study and improvisation, like with any art, but a few basic ideas help make it less daunting.

1. SWING. Can you swing a stick? Answer yes if you can move your arm; trust your author on this. Good, in THEORY, this means you can use a sword. A sword is a metal bar with an edge, but don’t let the edge distract you. It will cause pain or damage no mater WHAT side you hit with.

2. MOVE. Do not try to stand in one place and act like a chef chopping meat. You need to move, circle fade in and out on your opponent. Even a stick is only good at a certain distance from your arm to your target, so while you play kung – fu with the hands, you need to play chess with your feet to get your opponent into your optimal striking range, an keeping yourself clear of your opponent’s.

3. You can hit with more than one part of that thing. Though frowned upon by more rigid “honorable” forms of fighting, smashing with the base of the handle, punching, grabbing the blade and using the sword like a short staff, or abandoning the sword to grapple are ALL valid techniques. These can shorten your effective striking range almost instantly, and can catch many opponents off guard.

4. Don’t block when you can avoid. This will help you learn to MOVE in a hurry.

5. Keep your defense / offense ratio balanced. Assuming matched weapons you don’t need to attack with suicidal abandon. Keep offensive, but don’t commit heavily, and hit targets of opportunity. If you can thrust with the blade you have, use it for quick jabs as distraction.

6. Go for more than the kill shots. Strikes at arms, legs, hands, or face are great for distracting and keeping your opponent back. They won’t rush at you so quick if you can spank or gash the first appendage to come into range.

For more specific development, look around for local Renaissance sword “Guilds”, a new fad in martial arts, historical recreation groups, or martial arts studios that train in stick fighting (Filipino martial arts specifically, have a VERY good curriculum on the subject)

Good luck otherwise. While training specifically for the possibility of a sword fight on the street is fairly useless in this time period, the training and general fitness of martial arts is ALWAYS a good thing, and you can meet some truly interesting folks through it.

First Aid?

Everyone will get hurt somehow during the course of their lives, it’s just a matter of time.  When this happen there is a large variety of products out there to patch up the minor incidents.  These products are good, certainly, when they are well made, sterile, and can be applied correctly.  Oh yeah, they’re also great WHEN YOU HAVE THEM.  That’s right, you can prepare as crazy as you like, but once in a while you just aren’t near a first aid kit that has what you need.  No reason to bleed out or suffer while leaking blood, however, because there are less perfect, but still efficient ways to approximate MOST First Aid supplies.  They may not be as sterile or as suited to the purpose, so use the real stuff when you can, and only try these makeshift versions at your own risk. 

Duct tape.  Better than a band -aid in many situations, being more waterproof.  If you have an especially juicy or bleeding wound, some paper towel, TP, or tissue underneath is good as a pad.  Use any kind of antibiotic you have on hand because this is NOT STERILE AT ALL.  It WILL keep you from bleeding everywhere until you can get real medical supplies or help though.  It is also terrific to apply to abrasions or blisters.  When you can get the abraded area clean and dry before applying, it’ll act like a second skin for a good few hours (MOST useful when hiking).  

Super Glue:  It’s the base of all “liquid bandage” products.  If you have it, mix in some clove oil to act as an antiseptic, and you’ve just made your own!  (The author has also heard of soldiers using it to seal bullet wounds, and agrees with the logic behind it, but does not recommend trying.  Hell, the author does not recommend getting shot either.) 

Grease:  An automotive enthusiast once told the author how you could smear heavy grease into small or medium cuts to stop the bleeding.  The author, doing his own auto work and skinning a knuckle, tried this and will say it works.  The cleaning after, and exposure to carcinogens can’t lead him to recommend this, however.

Ash:  Ash comes from fire.  Fire sterilizes most things.  Hence, if you need to staunch a little bleeding, ash can work.  It will also promote a HUGE keltoid scar, so don’t do this where cosmetic appearances are a concern.

Booze:  Need to clean a wound?  Wash it with red wine or stronger booze.  Again, especially with a heavy red, you may color the resulting scar, so be aware.

Clove oil:  Found sold most often for “aroma therapy”.  It is also a natural antiseptic (so only buy it pure, no additive / preservatives if you want to use it as such).  Since oil isn’t water soluble, it is harder to clean from a wound, so if you douse a BIG cut or burn in it you’ll have to get it scrubbed out when you reach a hospital.  It’s also included with some toothache temporary treatment kits to deaden cavity pain (by killing the nerve.  Again, be aware what you’re doing to yourself.)

Dental floss (waxed only) / monofilament fishing line:  Yes, with a needle these CAN be used to suture wounds.  Since they’re not sold sterile though, they have a greater chance of infection.  The dental floss, not being solid (multiple strands, even with wax), can get grown into healing flesh, or let infection in more easily than the monofilament.  (Author’s opinion, REAL sutures are worth the hospital co-pay if you have the choice.)

Sea water:  Saline, aka salt water, is often used to rinse wounds in medical setting.  Guess what the ocean is full of (with higher salt content and other stuff).  Be aware of pollution in harbors or near land, but by and large, a quick sluice is never a bad thing to wash out a wound with.

Urine:  When it leaves the body, urine is sterile.  Yes, it is gross, and gets even grosser as bacteria and yeasts from the air settle and propagate in it.  It MIGHT be better than whatever other gunk or dirt is in or on the wound.  Needless to say, only use fresh.  (NOTE:  Pissing on jellyfish stings is NOT a good idea.  Any unfired stinging cells WILL be fired by contact with the urine, causing even more pain / poisoning.)

It should be reiterated in closing that while these ARE somewhat viable first aid techniques, they are imperfect ones.  Basic first aid training defers to professional medical care because IT WORKS WELL.  The author however, has been outside range or feasibility of quick professional help, and used these ideas (except for the toothache one), and has lived to tell about it.  This may, and likely IS dumb luck, so take care, and save the trouble by not getting hurt in the first place!