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Holy Nonsense

Holy Nonsense is an ongoing project by Queen Gogira Pennyworth compiling many musings and ravings from various Discordians over the years, presented in stunning layouts by Queen G in a beautiful scripture for our Current Strange Times.

The online edition is available from here, mirrored here, and the print version (perfect for leaving in waiting rooms, bus stops or your local legislators) is available here.

Office Life

Supposing you complete primary and secondary education in a semi generic field, life has one great parking lot for all aspiring world changers: The Cubicle.  Jobs you can get will involve varying degrees of virtue, interest, and money, but regardless, you will likely spend time in one of these baleful anti – productivity pods.  This is not a workspace as much as it is a crucible (notice the word similarity?), for your sanity.  As always, advice is never definitive, but here’s what your author has seen work.

Primarily, WORK.  Figure out what’s expected of you and DO IT.  Not hard, just exacting over long periods of time, and it gets very old fast.  Still, this job makes you the money that keeps you afloat and in housing, food and fun, so attend to it.  Nothing good comes of having to move back to the parent’s basement, (If you’re lucky enough to have the option.)  Whatever you’re doing is better than the job you DON’T have.  This WILL bend the brain, and induce boredom and sleep, which segues us to other topics.

Food and drink are another obvious thing to keep at hand.  Coffee.  Lots and often.  Bring an espresso machine to your desk if allowed. Otherwise, water and snacks to keep you from getting cranky and snapping at the drones you’ll be surrounded by.  Keep friendly, keep frosty.  The job you’re doing can likely be done by any drone, but it won’t get any more interesting if you can’t hack it at the basic level.

SLACK OFF.  Preserve the job, but don’t let the sanity go away.  Read, post on internet forums, write, anything, but always have something you can do to keep yourself occupied at your desk.  Don’t let it become the priority, but don’t let the job rule your life either.
LMNO, fellow writer and schmot guy, recommends using this as the reason for figuring out how to do your job more efficiently.  Take care of business so you have more time for your own stuff.
(Get QUICK with ALT – TAB to avoid scrutiny from co workers and supervisor types.)

Finally, go home.  Get out of the office and do other things.  Keep active and have fun.  If you find yourself worrying about work at home, or loosing sleep over it, find another job.  What you do to live should be worth the 40 hours a week, and not rule the numerically superior off time.

Accepting submissions for: LESSER POOP

Lesser Poop

will be the “Bathroom Reader” edition of Intermittens. It focuses on short submissions which you can enjoy during a brief shitting sitting. It’s the perfect issue to leave in the bathrooms of coffee houses, bars, doctor’s offices, etc. NOW ACCEPTING SUBMISSIONS!

Especially crude, stupid, or idiotic submissions are preferred. I am aiming for about 20-25 pages of low brow content. I may do some interviews, but I probably won’t be running longer, more serious pieces. Think about stuff which would be fun to read while you’re on the can.

In case you missed it, the title is a reference to this page of the PD: Greater Poop.

Already included: Very bad jokes. Very short stories. Exercises to mindfuck yourself.

Try out‘s brand new super powers by submitting stuff here. (you’ll need a login)

I’m going to endeavor to throw this thing together fairly quickly, so submit early!

also, check out, our kick ass front door for the magazine.

Pope-Counter Pope

Pope Benedict XVI (you know, the guy that thinks he is the only true pope) is currently in the middle of an Africa-wide tour. On his first day in the AIDS-ravished country of Cameroon he made the following statement:

“It (AIDS) cannot be overcome by the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, they increase the problem.”

As a counter-point I, Pope Iason Ouabache the Skeptical make this statement:

“Automobile accidents cannot be overcome by the mandating of seatbelts in all cars. On the contrary, they increase the problem. Sure, the statistics show that traffic fatalities have gone down worldwide since the seatbelts have become wide spread. But we believe that the best way to prevent these deaths is to tell people to not drive at all. Or you may obtain a specialized license from the Holy Church of the Skeptic after you swear to never ever drive dangerously.”

The other pope is currently unavailable for comment.


Yes, it’s time to have a bit of pyrotechnic CRAZY in CRAZY PREPARED

KNOW how to start a fire.
Fire = dry heat = one Maslow’s #1 priorities on his hierarchy of needs.
Yes, we have heaters, boilers, and wood stoves nowadays, but if you’re out of your usual surroundings, camping, hiking, or escaping the crumbling ruins of a once great empire, you DON’T HAVE ANY OF THAT!

Regardless of planning, preparation or intent, most folks who do things in the outdoors will end up cold, wet and miserable a couple times a year. (Law of stupid happenstance) When this does happen, it makes you appreciate good roaring fire to dry off next to like nothing else will, and makes knowing HOW to get one started an indispensable skill.

If you grew up in the outdoors, you likely know this, and may read a few novel tricks here, but then this article isn’t for you so much.

To build a fire, you need about three stages of fuel: tinder, kindling, and logs.  Tinder is where you start. Paper, lint (dryer lint especially), wood shavings, dry leaves, or VERY small twigs work best. You can also use steel wool and a 9 volt battery. You don’t need a direct flame, like from a lighter, (Although it REALLY helps.). What you want to get in your tinder is a spark which starts everything else glowing and smoking. Then, you GENTLY blow or fan this spark to get a more serious flame, and start adding your small twigs and other kindling. Use the kindling to expand and intensify the fire, until you can catch the smaller of your logs. Play around to get the hang of it. A charcoal grill can be good to practice with, if you aren’t using instant – light stuff.

If you have engine fuel, spray on lubricant, hair spray, air freshener, alcohol, hand sanitizer, most automotive oils / fluids (except radiator), or chaffing dish fuel (aka Sterno) as an aide to starting the fire. (Take care, and remember MOST of those will evaporate into flammable vapors. (Save your eyebrows.)

Keep in mind, when you’re out in the woods it takes some foraging to find dry stuff to burn, the wind will never blow the right way, and things in general will NOT work out easily. It helps to have a shielded area to light the fire in, too, so making a small pit, circle or windbreak will help. Fire is hot, and likes to spread, so be aware. Don’t breathe the smoke and pass out face – down in the coals.

If you have a lighter or fire starting tool you can speed up the process a bit. The only difficulty is the greater the level of heat and flame they provide, the more disposable they are, or the more consumable resources they need.

The simplest and longest lasting tools are flints, lenses, or anything designed to make a hot spark to start a bit of tinder glowing into an ember. (That is ALL they will do, so practice building from ember to fire if you’re going to rely on one.) Most flints you can buy come with a block of magnesium attached that you can shave off flakes to help light the fire with. These shaving will burn very hot, but too quick to help do much more than light the tinder.

Actual Lighters are a GREAT convenience since they give you flame on demand without having to puff one up out of an ember. Downsides are reliability and longevity. Butane can leak out over months in storage, and “zippo” type liquid fuel lighters have a way of drying out if not well sealed or carefully packed. Zippos do have the bonus of being very renewable when supplies are around. There are also anecdotes of folks pulling out and lighting the fuel- soaked wadding inside the lighter when they need to produce a BIG fire in a hurry. This is best used only to save a life or scare off a wild animal, since it renders the lighter inoperable until repacked and refueled. For most folks out and about day to day, a lighter is an excellent and versatile thing to carry, and about as prepared as most are likely to need.

There is no real ”Instant campfire”, but a few things come close. You could lug along a portable stove, most of which use kerosene, alcohol, gasoline or diesel fuel. (Be aware of fuel availability, especially for brand – specific fuels) Many of these are quite compact and clever, many also resemble a gas kitchen range, but are bulky for traveling long distances on foot. Hobo stoves, cans with cut – outs to allow feeding fuel to a small hot fire, are not a bad thing to cut out of a steel can, or bend out of metal. There are many designs, but the basic idea of an enclosure for a wood fire. With all versions of these stoves, you do look at lugging both range and fuel (lessened with the hobo stove).

There are also fire starting fuel bars. Your good author will personally espouse the fun and efficiency that is the U.S. Military trioxane fuel bar, which can ALMOST replace kindling in a well built and shielded fire. Wood fire “logs” are also around, but haven’t been observed to be as efficient. Good in a pinch, but designed for a fireplace, not a campfire.

As always, play around, but play safe (as possible). Repetition and practice make bad cold situations EASY.

Modern Medicine

I had an MRI today.  (Nothing is wrong with me, some researcher just wants pictures of my brain).  The experience is interesting.  It starts with a checklist, basic information to make sure there’s nothing in my body the magnets are going to have fun with.  Next up they have me change into hospital garb.  I’m then told to wait, for about an hour, since they secretly scheduled my visit after the time they told me, for fear I’d be late.

After a great deal of waiting, and signing various release forms, liability waivers, and so forth, I’m taken to a small room, the last of my possessions (a book and the locker key with my street clothes) are stripped from me,.  Then I get to go into a larger room, with even less space thanks to the monstrously large hunk of plastic, super-conducting wire and liquid helium.

I put on the headphones, bizarre things out of the science fiction of a century ago, with no metal, and sound pumped through a tube of air into my ears.  Then the technician straps my head in place.  Thus begins the bondage.  The bench is slid backwards slowly, and I find myself unable to move my arms, which are now pinned between my body and the sides of said tube.

Something they don’t tell you about, when fussing over the potential claustrophobia. MRI machines vibrate.

They start playing a movie, I brought Fight Club with me, since I’ll only get to watch the first half of whatever it is, and I hate the second half of fight club.

Something else they don’t tell you about MRIs, they produce a variety of sensations as they scan.  A strange tugging sensation of my abdomen.  A spot of my skin starts to vibrate, slowly moving up my right side.  My nose starts to itch.  Then my eye.

The movie continues playing just long enough to remind me of the first rule of Fight Club.  Which I will say no more about.  The researcher asks me to please stop moving my foot, and they start playing some cognitive tasks for me, think about this word, watch for green dots, don’t think about anything specific.

I cheat on the last one, and wonder why the windows 2000 desktop I was staring at had a program called ‘SSH secure shell client’ when SSH stands for secure shell.

Finally, after about an hour inside this glorified bondage device, I’m pulled out of the machine, given my things back, and sent on my way.  They even gave me pictures, which I share with you now.

Cropped so you spags can't reconstruct my face.

The War on Discord

Millions of people today are still celebrating the swearing in of President Obama and some are saying that his inauguration speech many go down as one of the best in history. However, the Discordian community sees it differently. With one short sentence Pres. Obama has declared War on Discord:

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

Many groups see this statement as both offensive and un-American. The Reverend Jim Reinard of America’s United for Discord is quoted as saying:

This is a complete outrage. Apparently Mr. Obama has forgotten his history books. This nation was founded on Discordian principles. Would there have been a Declaration of Independence without discord? Would we have had a Revolutionary War without strife? And where would the Constitution have been if our Founding Fathers hadn’t conflicted over the Articles of Confederation? I expect a full retraction from Pres. Obama in the coming days.

Meanwhile, Elaine Whipspittle president of the Discordian Alliance of Mothers has written a press release stating:

We at the Discordian Alliance of Mothers are appalled at Obama’s resolve to strip our children of their fundamental right to be raised in the faith of their parents. Our religion is not “an introduction to terrorism”, as Mr. Obama portrays it; to see how wrong he is you would only have to see the joyous look on a child’s face as she places memebomb stickers on public property.

Not everyone is opposed to Obama’s new front on conflict though. Central Scrutinizer of the Concordian Movement was quoted as saying:

Success on all fronts! At last someone has awoken to the insidious international threat of DISCORD and has dedicated money, manpower, and bureaucracy to combat this extremely precise problem!

The Obama administration was unable to be reached for comment at this time.

(thanks to Nigel and Hoopla for their help)