Rev Roger Sermon#17: What have you DONE lately? (Reprinty goodness)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Originally posted May 27, 2003

Brethren and Cistern, the great Lenny Bruce once said, "American society will cripple you, and then arrest you for limping"...But we here at the Church of the Subgenius (Discordian) say, "CAST OFF THOSE CRUTCHES, AND CRAWL WITH PRIDE!"  You can CRAWL AGAIN!

That's right, my fellow freaks, mutants, deviates, and wannabes, we have finally reached that Kafka-esque nightmare in which, due to the overwhelming complexity of the law, you break the law every day, whether you intend to or not! What most people fail to realize is this; they cannot watch everyone, all the time. There are simply too many people...so they get the ones that stand out. Those who dress funny, act funny, smoke funny stuff, or just plain LOOK GUILTY.

The world we live in is now nothing more or less than a giant prison, in which we shuffle around, trying to avoid the attentions of the wardens.

Are you gonna stand for that? Of course you are, because the CoN has become too big to smite! So what, my friends, can we do?

What's that you say? "Well, Reverend Roger (those of you who know me say), you always bitch about how bad things have gotten, but you never offer solutions!"

That changes today. Today I offer you CONCRETE answers on how to avoid the "wardens'" eyes long enough to tunnel out of the yard.

First, learn to blend in. Your edgy haircut may impress the Goths (or any other so-called "rebel" group of conformist-nonconformists), but as the Ashcroft era steamrolls along, it's just gonna get your nuts in a vise the first time you get caught monkeying with the system. Face it, the bodypiercings/tattoos/blue hair is gonna stand out like a sore thumb when the cops are trying to figure out just WHO in a crowd might have been the one that shot a strawfull of itching powder into their squadcar. On the other hand, if you look just like everyone else on the outside, it's harder to see the evil genius on the inside. Stay off their radar scopes.

Second, the CoN is just too large to smash, so don't get carried away. Go with the flow, and look for weak spots to exploit. The system is riddled with loopholes, and these can be exploited easily, once you know them. Why try to push the monolith over, when you can trip it? (To be honest, even this won't really do TOO much good, but at least you'll keep them wondering and keep their maintenence weasels busy for a while.)

Prime areas for loopholes:

1. Paperwork. This is the achilles heel of the Great Grey CoNspiracy. Even at the LOCAL level, the papertrails hav become so complex that NOBODY understands them completely. Use your imagination...Call your local county election board, pretending to be a state election official, and demand forms/papers that don't exist. Make it sound like they are gravely in error, and possibly in trouble. If you are a guntard, buy and sell a single gun back and forth every day...file all the correct forms. Convince others to do the same. If even a few pairs of people do it, you will so thoroughly (and legally) booger up the local ATF office that they will probably fall behind and get snarled up hopelessly. Sell the gun for a dollar, so as to avoid taxation on this jake.

2. Try to start pissing contests between local churches. Use your imagination...and don't feel bad, they're all a pack of heathens, anyway.

3. Order food at a drive through (when it's busy), and then jump out of line and drive off before you get to the pay window. This will utterly, totally bollix them up beyond belief (especially if they don't notice it, which they usually won't)...and it isn't gonna cost the poor minimum wage drones who work there a thing. Rubber/synthetic vomit in the dining room works even better (of course, REAL vomit would be perfect).

4. Make massive deposits of pennies at your local bank, on Friday afternoon.

5. Plant a mason jar of "seeds" in the municipal gardens. If they actually get to sprout, call the local press (ANONYMOUSLY!) and act outraged that the local government is growing their own stash. Be very indignant about it...and rest assured, it WILL make the papers.

6. Use your imagination. I just thought of these in 5 minutes. You creative little buggers should be able to do FAR better, given days or weeks to think about it.

TIP: Google-search the Patriot and HSD acts. Learn them well, and avoid any act which might fall under them...or it's no more fun for you, Bubba...ever.

Now, none of this is gonna derail the conspiracy...frankly, it will hardly even notice...but you will have increased the amount of local chaos, and you will have pleased Eris and/or "Bob".

Third, SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH. He who kicks society in the cojones and shuts his bloody gob about it, stays free to do it again. If you are doing this for the admiration of others, then your Bobbie-ass is gonna get what it deserves.

That's all for now, kids. I hope to write a little more later, as time and weirdness permit...so get out there and make the Greyfaces uneasy.

Or kill me.

[Random Probability]

      

[hunter s.durden]

It contains tips and suggestions.
That's what I like to see.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It contains tips and suggestions.
That's what I like to see.

I am like the Bob Villa of asshattery.

[guest7654]

Your sermons kick ass.  But your still an asshole.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Your sermons kick ass.  But your still an asshole.

Thanks.

And I have never, ever, pretended to be otherwise.

Why, just tonight, I pulled over someone because I didn't like their bumperstickers.

No tickets, but I delayed them a good hour.

[guest7654]

Do you have a sister, or daughter?    

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Do you have a sister, or daughter?    

Why?

[guest7654]

joking.........cause the sermon gave me a semi.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

joking.........cause the sermon gave me a semi.

Oh, okay...because one's dead and the other is a little kid.

[guest7654]

well, then it sure as hell wasnt a good one. 

[Ambassador KAOS]

critical analysis:

let me preface, this is meant to be helpfull.

I liked this among others of your pieces but this rant left me feeling like a vital piece was missing.

That being...

It is good in that it takes precautions to prevent future naked discordian hippies(if he even was one?) from flinging ciggarettes at cops and drawing negetive attention to the label, but it doesn't address that internal subversion is also a necessary of part of a well developed sense of irony.

Do something once and it's mahdjickepickle,
Do it twice and it's precedent,
Third time it is bland and fails to be in the slightest bit anarchic.

Even a sheep will figure out that when the drive thru lady stops taking his orders and says "we know it's you and we don't mind serving you but you have to come inside to order" that the gag is old.

They may now feel that since this gag is no longer bringing about desired results that you somehow lied to them and now they start thinking for themselves and all hell breaks loose.

This is likely to lead to the idea that bigger is better which is exactly the opposite of what the point of the sermon was.  Bigger is not better at this game.  It gets you caught and lands your punk ass in jail, or worse, on national tv in a hospital bed after being brought down by snipers telling them how you did it for the "disocordian movement" (shudder).

That would be the massive fail.  I like to think that if you elect yourself to speak that you have a responsibility of protecting the retards from themselves, not in the sense that you don't let them figure shit it for themselves or make mistakes, but that so they don't climb the bell tower with a rifle.  That's an opinion though.

That was sufficiantly addressed but I'm tryig to view this from someone with the attention span of a retarded penguin.  They are likely to forget what you told them to begin with and go off on their merry way if you don't derail that and imprint with a branding rod to begin with.

I propose that you include a section that speaks that to have a well developed sense of irony you have to also make a habbit of undermining your own bullshit.  If you make randomness and internal part of the equation, although they are thinking they are still just following instructions and thus don't have to draw their own fucked up conclusions***

Granted you can't be held responsible for people who read take away something completely backword assed from yoru intention, but I think it's a good idea to try and accomodate a message the flock for greater impact.

***
by this I mean that they understand that once someting is precident the gag is through and now you need to either reverse the process(this really fucks and short circuits brains[though timing is everything on this one], when you hit them with something straight after fucking them with something off the wall, but again, do this 2x and it's precident) or get a new shtick and let that one be forgotten before you do it again.  Basically I mean that it could use a good reference about how stage magician only does his trick once.

This also protects the participiant.  Buying and selling a gun 20x a day may be legal but it will piss someone off after a while and eventually they'll find a reason to arrest you or slash your tires simply because they don't like your face.

and that would suck.

It think a scentence or two in the second bullet would fit well, or fuck it.

AKK

[The Good Reverend Roger]

critical analysis:

let me preface, this is ment to be helpfull.

I don't need any help from someone who actually changed his name to KLOK KAOS.

That is all. 

TGRR,
Pretty much stopped right there.

[Ambassador KAOS]

 

good job!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

good job!