That does it.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Today started like most other days, with me getting out of bed and wondering what was on the Teevee (and between the screams of my two kids, I was able to catch most of a shitty C-Rate film about Beowulf). Dinner was boxed again, but quick, and adding enough salt almost gave it flavor. I stepped outside for a cigarette -- the last vestigial remains of my youth -- and then my flashy cell phone I pay too much for every month rang, and I answered it. It was my buddy Lunchbox, or "Chris" as he weirdly refers to himself these days. He calls up sometimes to bullshit. A couple of months ago he called a lot about forming a band and playing shitty songs for drunken roughnecks at shady bars, but lately he's just been calling to bullshit.

Then, it happened.

He didn't call to bullshit this time. He called for another, far more sinister purpose. He told me he and his wife (he's married now, believe it or not, and even has a few kids of his own) had gone to WalMart and picked up a pack of UNO cards, and he wanted to set up some time when me and my wife could go over to their place and play cards.

I don't think you heard me. This jolly fat guy who used to play kick ass punk music until his band blew their last offer at a record deal, called me up to play UNO.

UNO.

And what did I do? Did I berate him? Did I snap him out of it? Did I threaten to pawn his guitars and buy him a fucking Blackberry? Nope. I said I'd talk to my wife and see when we could do it.

And then I hung up. And then, I died a little.

Don't ask me why it took this one phone call to draw my attention to this fact. I'm sure I must have noticed something slowly overtaking me, I've just been "too busy" to care. It isn't that living with "the wife and the kids" is a bad thing, by itself. By itself, it's a good thing. That it's 180 degrees away from where I planned to be by 25 isn't the sticker, either. The part that really kills me is that in the half a second it took for me to click my phone off, I took a silent inventory of everything I do every day and I realized there are only two things left to do for my life to be complete.

Register as a Republican, and join a church.

Because for all my talk I might as well be every other Joe Schmoe out there, I'm no different than any of the wifebeating assholes who go "bowling" because they're too pious to just go to a bar like honest men. I get up every day, I go to work, I come home and have a prefabricated dinner, I smile at the kid and then I go to bed hoping I die of a stroke while I'm sleeping so I don't have to do it all over again tomorrow.

But it's alright. I've found solace in the one god who can really save me from this mediocrity -- the TeeVee. Maybe if I watch enough fucking soap operas on the Discovery Channel about midgets, listen to enough shitty third-rate emo music and subscribe to the Triple Digital Deluxe package, there'll be something in my life to offset the fact that I've given up everything but the attitude of a free man, and even that barely makes an appearance unless I feel like offending the sensibilities of all the wrong people.

Maybe if I convince my boss to let me grow shoulder-length hair and wear the bottom half of a bad goatee I'll be able to look myself in the mirror, like I'm getting ready to go tear shit up at the coffee house like some pretentious Beatnik, pissed off about all the injustice of non-recycled newspaper.

On second thought I'll just stick to the TV. I might be slipping into the world of prepackaged citizenship, but if I ever start looking up to Beatnik's, I'll hang myself.

[PopeTom]

Clearly you must work out drinking and/or strip rules for Uno before you play.

[Cain]

That sucks.

And I have to say, its one of the things I fear most about my future life.

As far as I can see, my only chances to escape are travel, travel and more travel.  The hope is I will eventually find something interesting enough on the way to save me from a lifetime of drudgery.  Failing that, I'll be constantly on the move and in unfamiliar situations, which keeps the mind relatively sharp.

I've tried real work, and an ordinary life.  And it fucking sucks.

[LMNO]

Or, you could start up a kick-ass punk band and play benefits for Roller Derby teams.

http://www.bostonderbydames.com/index.cfm?cdid=10545&pid=10200

Or, get your wife to pour chocolate sauce over herself and make out with hot chicks.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/mgmphoto/sets/72157602734769814/


There are always options.

[Cramulus]

Not all is lost, Vex.

The above post indicates that your embers are still burning.


Psychosis is different (in part) from neurosis in that a neurotic person knows that something's wrong with them, but a psychotic person doesn't. You know that you're facing gray, and that means you have a huuuuge leg up on those Johns at the bowling alley.




Here in my work cube, hanging just to the left of my monitor, there's a flyer. Halfway down it, it reads

"YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU MIGHT BE TALKING TO A ROBOT, EVEN IF YOU ARE ONLY TALKING TO YOURSELF"

You HAVE the answers to these problems, James, they're the same paths of action you recommend to the gray masses.


Your post also reminds me that a few months ago, Rev WHN asked, in the BIP forum, if he should be afraid of being comfortable.

well, should he?

[AFK]

And what is the common thread that Vex and I share?  Having children.

I know where you are coming from Vex.  It's really, really hard to have children and NOT feel like you've become tied down.  But, I think there is a way to have your small victories.  I haven't worked it all out myself.  Sure, you can't go out and raise hell like you used to.  It's hard to go on a flyer spree when you need to stop at the store and pickup diapers and diaper cream.

I think the trick is keeping it alive upstairs.  Whether it's writing, music, nature walks, whatever keeps the noggin going.  And then just working it into the schedule of parenthood whenever you can.  Again, I don't know, I haven't worked it out yet either.  If you do, let me know, k?

[Triple Zero]

ok vex, i have a few questions. if they're very stupid, my apologies beforehand. but after i read your post it kept zooming around in my head for some hours, so here i am writing you a reply.

> Because for all my talk I might as well be every other Joe Schmoe out there

is this your life goal? to be unlike Joe Schmoe?

> and then I go to bed hoping I die of a stroke while I'm sleeping so I don't have to do it all over again tomorrow.

is this really true?
in which case, DAMN.
is this really, really true??

because that's pretty bad, if it is.

> This jolly fat guy who used to play kick ass punk music until his band blew their last offer at a record deal, called me up to play UNO.

now, this is probably the most stupid question of all. but could it be that mr Lunchbox is perhaps also looking for this very same thing you just realized you have lost? because really, i would be surprised if he actually just wanted someone to play Uno with, he could do that with his neighbours, somebody at the pub or a local neighbourhood meeting house thing.
i bet he doesn't really want to play Uno at all but was desperately grasping for an excuse to spend some quality time with you, your wife and his wife. this is of course not going to happen by just playing Uno.
so now is the opportunity for you, to schedule the appointment, play one game of Uno (though if you can skip it, even better) and come up with something better (which you discussed with them beforehand because spontanity doesn't really sound like an option in this scenario).
and even though PopeTom's suggestion sounds like a lot of fun, it'll probably be better if you try to make a great evening out of it without resorting to alcohol too much, because you don't want it to become just an excuse to get incredibly drunk either.

[PopeTom]

That's why the 'and/or' is so important.

Some of my favorite nights skipped the drinking and went straight to the nudity.

:P

[The Good Reverend Roger]

HAW HAW!

Ask me why I'm laughing.

Go ahead.  Ask.

[Lies]

HAW HAW!

Ask me why I'm laughing.

Go ahead.  Ask.

Since you asked, why?

[Cramulus]

HAW HAW!

Ask me why I'm laughing.

Go ahead.  Ask.

Whatcha laughin' at, Rog?
/             

[The Good Reverend Roger]

HAW HAW!

Ask me why I'm laughing.

Go ahead.  Ask.

Whatcha laughin' at, Rog?
/             

Easy.  While 70% of the 6.5 billion primates on the planet struggle to survive another day on the savannah, trying to find that one grain of rice they need, poor old Vex gets torpedoed amidships by a midlife crisis.

"OH, SHIT!  One of my old friends came up with an excuse to come VISIT!  SOMEONE FUCKING SAVE ME!  I'M TOO COOL FOR UNO!"

Heh.

Guess what, Vex?  That's IT.  That's life, when you suddenly realize that you are not now - nor will you ever BE - 17 again.  Get used to WHO you are, and maybe even LIKE it a little...because Slack isn't the newest, coolest fad, it isn't being seen in the hippest club, it isn't in being in the IN CROWD...It's ENJOYING THE FUCKING RIDE.  You are NOT paid to DRIVE THE FUCKING BUS, your job is to LICK THE GODDAMN WINDOWS.

Now, listen to your spiritual advisor:  Stop whining, call Lunchbox back, and say you'd be GLAD to play a little Uno, this Saturday night.

Or maybe you better join that Baptist church, because anyone who would leave an old friend feeling the way you just left Lunchbox feeling may as well become a fucking Republican.

Because you'd have no fucking soul.

Or kill me.

[Julie]

I've considered running away to Europe and being homeless as an alternative to being just another wage slave.  I wonder if it would be worth it to the authorities to deport me, or if they'd let me wander around, eating out of the trash and taking mental pictures.  Anyone have experience with homelessness?  The cold must suck, and the not being allowed to loiter in bookstores, and the getting raped, but to me it seems to have its pros too...not working, going where I choose when I choose, having a lot more time to watch squirrels play.

I'm not suggesting Vex abandon the fam.  I don't have much pity for him.  I can't spawn, so everyone who does gets to experience certain joys I'm denied, and if that means they're trapped in Pleasantville I couldn't care less.  Hopefully someday Vex's kids can be his allies against normalcy.  (I assume by the screaming they're too young to be much fun yet.)

Meh.  Sorry I don't have a point.  For the record: I love Uno.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I've considered running away to Europe and being homeless as an alternative to being just another wage slave.

Run all you like, but it will be the same in Europe because the problem isn't in your job and it isn't in America, it's in your head.

Europe isn't Slack.  Neither is America.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Somehow, Roger's hate always ends up being more helpful than all the "love" ever churned out by the Vatican.

but i don't want to drive the bus. i don't mind licking the windows, but i'd much rather be licking the windows of a passenger train as it plows through that bus.

but as it happens i did go play Uno, tonight, and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

oh, and FTR, I was being a little more emo than I have any right to be.