Tales from the Cutting Edge

[Doktor Howl]

Okay, this is basically the continuation of the Billy Saga, but without Billy.  More dispatches from the front lines of hostile technology

So I quit.  I walked away from the MIC.  No more killer drones for me.  I am a changed man; I am here to help.

The new job is with a small company that thinks they are Boston Dynamics, and the project I was dropped into is for a rescue robot for people buried under collapsed buildings, parking garages, landslides,etc.

It looks like a large wheeled box with a giant Hentai tentacle thing coming out of it.  On the end of the tentacle, there is a rotary device that allows deployment of five items.

1.  A drilling auger.
2.  A chemical sniffer (to see if a body is alive or has begun decomposition.
3.  A ground penetrating radar module.
4.  An air line for flooding a void with fresh air.
5.  A microphone/speaker attachment for communication with trapped individuals.

The process goes like this:

1.  External GPF finds likely targets (voids).
2.  The Hentai thingie snakes its way through the rubble, using the auger when necessary.
3.  When it reaches the void, it rotates the sniffer to see if the target is alive or dead.
4.  Notify the operator of said status.
5.  If the target is dead, flag it in memory and go to the next void.
6.  If the target is alive, rotate the air line and the communications array in and provide air and coms to the trapped individual, while the crew above decides on the best method to free the trapped person.

I arrived before the first simulated test, which involved a large tank of rubble with a manikin inside dosed with the correct signatures for a live body.  Other voids contained air or water or methane.  The test performed as follows.

1.  Tentacle arrives at void with manikin. 
2.  Tentacle notifies the surface crew of the live victim.
3.  Rotates sensor head to air line and coms.
4.  Wait.

Only step three didn't happen.  Instead replace step 3 with:

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

Needless to say, a lot of the people who thought I was a peer were not very happy about this.  I laughed, and they said many rude things to me, not yet knowing I am the director of their entire department.  I had asked that this not be announced before I got a feel for things.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

So I called them via Teams to attend a meeting in the conference room.  Pizza would be available.  Their self-esteem, sadly, not so much.

As they showed up, they asked me where the new director was.  Bear in mind that these people had spent the last 30 or so working hours hurling all manner of abuse at me.  I don't care, of course, but they don't know that.  I just smile, and watch their faces sink.

"Greetings. I am Doktor Howl, and I have come to you from the world of weaponized robotics.  Having arrived, I don't see any functional difference, other than your targets can't dodge."

*angry faces*

"However, I have looked over the project plans, and I believe I have found the problem."

*Immediate chaos and finger pointing*

"Please close your mouths. This isn't a conversation.  You are attempting to fix blame on each other, like a bunch of senior Russian officials, and this is none of your fault."

*suspicious looks*

"You spec'd the junction boxes as 'waterproof' and our purchasing agent saw that 'weatherproof' was half the cost of waterproof, and did not know the difference.  What's more, he didn't know there was a difference to be known.  He decided that he was an engineer or a technician thing whereas in the sidereal universe, he is a purchasing thing.  He is not hostile, but his KPIs are."

One engineer:  "So we've been flooding the controls and causing either a short or an open."

"Precisely.  You will prove my hypothesis by removing the water from the tank and trying again."

Next day, tank dry, test succeeds.  Back into the meeting room.

"I have ordered, though the purchaser, the correct NEMA rating for waterproof enclosures."

"So they're on order?"

"Not yet.  The purchaser felt the need to argue his point; to double down on being wrong.  This is a form of arrogance, and arrogance is a form of stupidity.  It also lowers your price tag.  As such, Purchaser thing has a new title and slightly different pay.  As our new Incompetence Coordinator, Phil has elected to sulk.  So I will order the boxes tonight.  And tomorrow is a new day."

"You changed his title to "incompetence coordinator?"

"Yes.  It seemed appropriate."

"It seems unhinged.  What did HR say to all this?"

"HR was not happy about it but complied. Those of you smarter than lichen will understand the implications of that compliance."

"Um.  We're fucked?"

"Of course not.  We're going to do great things."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Woo!  I love these threads.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

Their debug culture definitely needs improvement.  "Take it apart and see if anything looks wrong" should have been their first reaction.  Well, maybe second, after "check the cables".

[Doktor Howl]

Woo!  I love these threads.

In my guise as "unknown new guy" I suggested doing an autopsy on the Hentai Death Machine.  I was shouted down, and over the next two days, they slew two more manikins.

Their debug culture definitely needs improvement.  "Take it apart and see if anything looks wrong" should have been their first reaction.  Well, maybe second, after "check the cables".

The first response was to screech that each of them were surrounded by incompetents.

And what do you know?  They were all right.

[Faust]

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

I nearly blacked out laughing at this,  this story has a silver lining though, for me the scariest thing about the thought of being trapped in a cave or buried alive was slow dehydration or suffocating. Now it's the fresh he'll of the dark hentai monster seeking out out, that can rape, kill and finally/optionally rape you again.

[Doktor Howl]

3.  Rotate augur back into position, drill through manikin, and continue to the next void.

I nearly blacked out laughing at this,  this story has a silver lining though, for me the scariest thing about the thought of being trapped in a cave or buried alive was slow dehydration or suffocating. Now it's the fresh he'll of the dark hentai monster seeking out out, that can rape, kill and finally/optionally rape you again.

Relax.  Help is on the way.   

[Doktor Howl]

So I spent some time talking to the executive director today.  For the purposes of this story, we'll call her Sally.  Which is not her real name.

Sally:  "I saw you at lunch. You were jamming out on something in your ear pods and drawing what looked like our machine.  I just wanted to let you know that we don't allow people to work through their lunch hours.  That's your time."

Me:  "While I appreciate that change from my usual experience, I wasn't actually working.  I was indulging myself while listening to Icona Pop's 'We love it' on infinite repeat."

Sally (NOT her real name, stop saying that):  "Okay, so what were you doing?"

Me:  "Well, I figured that if we could rescue people with this robot, we could probably also do other things with it.

Sally:  "Like what?"

Me:  "Well, if your enemy is in a bunker, you could use this.  Locate the voids, drill in, and then flood the place with nitrogen."

Sally:  *Horrified expression*

Me:  "Yeah, I'm not okay."

Sally:  "umm...What was that bit about 'Icona Pop,' then?"

Me:  "Well, they took something good and made something horrible out of it, so they are an inspiration.  I mean, the whole idea started when I wondered that if we didn't like the person we were rescuing, we could have the coms module serenade them with old episodes of the Lawrence Welk Show."

Sally:  "Who is that?"

Me:  "It's what we old bastards had to listen to before music was invented."

Sally:  "Fine.  I just need you to know that we build machines that HELP people."

Me:  "Sure, sure, I was just indulging my hobby on my time, as you say.  I knew you really didn't want a taste of that sweet, sweet DARPA money.  It's filthy stuff and it comes in huge, indigestible chunks."

Sally: "Um."

Me:  "No, Sally, stick to your principles.  There's nothing there but mountains of bloody lucre."

Sally:  "You should get out of my office now.  This is the weirdest conversation I have ever had in my life."

Me:  "This is all normal, Sally."

[Doktor Howl]

Sally:  "I admit I am curious, just how much would something like this go for with DARPA?"

Me:  "Not telling you."

Sally:  "Why the hell not?"

Me:  "Because if I do, by this time next year you will be calculating deaths per kilogram of RDX."

Sally:  "I will not!  I'm just curious."

Me:  *stares for 2 seconds too long*.

Sally:  *Stares back in boss*

Me:  "Why this is hell, nor am I out of it"

Sally:  "I actually caught that reference."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

[Doktor Howl]

Project meeting today:

Sally (NOT her real name):  "Okay, Hamish, nice work on the bottleneck on the rescue drone.  I'm moving you onto the new program."

Me:  "Okay."

Sally:  "No weaponizing it."

Me:  *gas face*

Sally:  "Seriously.  Also, I don't think this CAN be weaponized."

Me:  "Is that a fucking challenge?"

Sally:  "No.  Anyway, we're using the old Boston Dynamics 'dog' chassis as a search and rescue bot.  The idea is to use 6 of them, which will most efficiently search in a pattern in a given area of wilderness for the missing subject."

Me:  "Unnnnnnng"

Sally:  "Are you okay?"

Incompetence Coordinator Phil:  "He doesn't look okay."

Me:  "unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng"

Sally:  "Hamish! Snap out of it."

Me:  "Sorry.  It's just that you told me to not weaponize what is already the best weapons system since the toilet drone."

Sally:  "The WHAT?"

Me:  "Ask yourself if you're better off knowing about that."

Sally:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Sally."

Sally:  "What?  No it is..."

Me"  "Shhh.  It's robot doggie pack time."

[chaotic neutral observer]

Sally:  "Seriously.  Also, I don't think this CAN be weaponized."

Oh, she is adorable.

[Doktor Howl]

I am at the moment taking a break from the voice programming for the doggie thing.

I chose a little girl voice to tell the victim that "help is on the way."  I thought it would be awesome to have them all say it at exactly the same time.  And it was.

Buth then I tried putting them 1/2 second out of sync with each other, and the hair on the back of my neck stood straight up.

Success is always nice.