Stupid-ass Jokes: The Thread

[fomenter]

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?


Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

[rong]

what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

the holocaust.

[Rumckle]

A magician goes into a talent agency, and asks if the agent can get him work.

"I don't know, you're not one of those traditional magicians are you, we usually want something a bit more edgy," the agent replies.

"Well mainly what I do," says the magician, "is take old tricks and put a new twist on them. For instance, do you know the pulling the rabbit out of a hat trick?"

"Of course, how do change that?"

"Well," explains the magician, "instead of that, I pull a hair out of my ass."

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

A magician goes into a talent agency, and asks if the agent can get him work.

"I don't know, you're not one of those traditional magicians are you, we usually want something a bit more edgy," the agent replies.

"Well mainly what I do," says the magician, "is take old tricks and put a new twist on them. For instance, do you know the pulling the rabbit out of a hat trick?"

"Of course, how do change that?"

"Well," explains the magician, "instead of that, I pull a hair out of my ass."

http://www.freegongbutton.com/

[Rumckle]

 

[Cramulus]

How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

The old one was fine. You must be some kind of pinko commie socialist liberal if you want to change it.


How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

Only strong government regulation can save us from a recurrence of the "burned out light-bulb" problem.


How many centrists does it take to change a light bulb?

The light bulb problem is caused by the ideological rift in our society between left and right, and if only people were more reasonable it would have been changed long ago.


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

Why do I have to change the light bulb?


How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Don't worry about it. Market forces will take care of it.


How many environmentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

No light bulb, no carbon emissions. It's better if you don't change it.

[Jenne]

[Rococo Modem Basilisk]

How many marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


How many lojban speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to remove the old bulb, and five to determine what type of bulb emits broken light.


How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. He hands it to zero marxists and reduces it to a trivial problem.



A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a cafe, watching the house across the street. They see one person enter, and a long time later, they see two people come out.

The physicist says "Experimental error."

The biologist says "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says "If one more person enters the house, it will be empty."

[GIGGLES]

SO A SEAL WALKS INTO A CLUB AND VOIDS THE WARRANTY!

P.S. SHUT THE FUCK UP ENKII!

[LMNO]

Two old ladies meet up at the park, one says to the other one, "Did you come on the bus?" and the other says "Yeah, but I made it look like an asthma attack!"

[Cramulus]

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$350.”

“$350 to tell me my dog is dead?!” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $300 was for the cat scan.”

[Shibboleet The Annihilator]

Cram you are a saint for bumping this.

Also, I think Hustle once told me a variation of this one:




So a panda walks into a Chinese restaurant, waits politely at the register and is promptly seated by a young attractive Asian woman.

The woman tells the panda that someone will be with him in a moment and asks him if he would like anything to drink.

The panda gestures to the empty porcelain tea cup sitting on the table.

"Tea?"

The panda nods.

The woman calls to a young man in an apron for hot water and a tea bag. The young man fixes the panda some tea and asks him what he would like to eat.

The panda taps his paw on a picture of bamboo chutes and some leaves.

The young man nods, "Right away sir."

The panda sips his tea contentedly, waiting patiently for his food.

The panda notices an elaborate fish tank, filled with a myriad of brightly colored tropical fish. He gazes at the tank, mesmerized by the display.

A slender redheaded woman with beautiful green eyes smiles at the panda. Panda waves. She giggles.

About 10 minutes later the young man brings out the panda's food.

The panda enjoys his meal and hot tea. The service is excellent.

The young man asks the panda if he is ready for the check.

The panda nods and the man rushes off to fetch his check.

Suddenly, the panda draws two .45 caliber Colt 1911A1 pistols and opens fire on the employees and patrons. He quickly and efficiently murders every last soul in the restaurant. The chefs, the bus boys, that sexy redhead, he even takes out the goddamn fish tank! The grisly event is nothing short of terrifying.

The panda then calmly leaves, tossing a $20 bill onto the bloodied receipt for his food.

Panda disappears.

A few minutes later, patrol cars are on the scene. Then detectives. Then the media. Soon everyone knows about the horrific slaughter that took place at the Chinese restaurant over at the plaza downtown.

The police seal off the restaurant and insist that everyone keep their distance.

After a few hours the police chief emerges from the restaurant and informs the throng of television, radio and newspaper reporters that he is ready to issue a statement.

As the chief is met with a barrage of question from the rabid media mob he raises his hands and calls for silence.

He steps up to the make-shift podium held aloft by some packing crates and clears his throat.

"We know who committed this heinous act and we are about to apprehend the suspect."

Another onslaught of questions erupts. Again, the chief asks for silence.

"In all my years of law enforcement I have never seen so brutal an assault from such an unlikely assailant. This was not the work of any man. This was the work of... a panda!"

His statement is met with incredulity from the press as well as the citizens gathered to gawk at the scene.

A reporter from the local daily breaks the stunned silence, "What makes you think it was a panda?"

The chief holds up the bloody receipt and states in an unusually shaky voice, "Because pandas eat, chutes and leaves."

[AFK]

I love the classics. 

[Brotep]

Wow.  Just wow.

Well in that case...


What's brown and sticky?


A stick.


~


How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?



That's NOT funny.

[the other anonymous]

How many rabid feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

That's NOT funny.

That's NOT funny!

-toa,
felt obligated