I've been lying all this time, Kai

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I have been living a lie, Kai.  You see, I'm not really a person, I'm a skinsack full of monkeys and they take turns running the switchboard in my head, like a pack of demented Emily Latillas.  Sometimes they argue about who's in charge, and start throwing poop at each other, and my head gets all dirty on the inside.

One monkey is named Hate and another one is named Rage, and I'm sure by now you're familiar with them.  Then there's Ethics and Fatal Curiousity, and Self-Destructo the Wonder Chimp.  He usually runs the switchboard when I'm driving.

There used to be one named Fear, but once I got so scared Fear quit and left, and we haven't seen him since.  Self-Destructo is rather happy about this, as you can very well imagine.

Then there's The Other One.  He's not a monkey, he's a goddamn bigass Gorilla, and he's kept chained up somewhere near my spleen.  I don't know exactly what HE does, and neither myself nor the monkeys care to find out.  He's constantly howling and trying to escape, sort of like King Kong on stage.  He's as big as the fucking universe, and he just keeps growing.  And he isn't dumb, like the smaller monkeys.  No, he's got a seemingly malign intelligence, and he sometimes stops howling long enough to tell me things.  Horrible things, made all the more hideous by the fact that they're all true.  He also says he used to know me well, used to BE me, until sometime in Bush 41's administration, you know, back before the Awful Thing happened that made Fear quit.

And one day, the chains won't hold him.  What then, Kai?

[Kai]

I've wondered if anyone else had that problem, Roger, and now I know. They're in there, running away at their little treadmills, pushing out quick responses to all my problems, perfect, effective responses. Responses like, that person is pissing you off? Go beat the shit out of him, and a kick in the nads for good measure. The work is getting too hard? Time to start breaking things. And they hoot and holler all day and /all night too/. They never shut up, and never let me think for myself, except for those few blessed moments right before I fall asleep. Then they go quiet, afraid. I don't know why.

The Wonder Chimp is here too, always lurking behind my eyeballs, ready to get behind the wheel and drive off a cliff at the slightest provocation. He likes to test me, push the limit, screaming obsenities at me and throwing shit at my corneas. Its the worst headache you've ever had, Roger, all that monkey shit on the back of your eyes.

And there are the few good little monkeys too, but they cower in fear of the other ones. They know just how bad it would be to piss Self-Destructo off (and you know that), or worse, Hate and Rage go wandering off to The Other One, yes, THAT one, and set Him loose. So the good little monkeys let Hate and Rage and Wonder Chimp break the furniture of my mind every day. And when it goes quiet just before sleep everything is remade and reset again just as it was before, except those monkeys are just one step closer to letting him out, one more day closer to the toll of midnight on the personal doomsday clock.

And that, I think, would either be the worst or the best thing that will ever happen to me.

[BabylonHoruv]

I know that one's name.  We've met and been properly introduced, and I've let him drive every now and then.  Don't ask me why, it was a poor idea but fortunately it didn't get anyone killed or injured.  I've got those little hopping monkeys, and they have this really shitty, goofy sense of humor, but the big guy doesn't seem like a monkey to me, or an ape, he's more like a big super intelligent snake.

Every now and then he'll do things, or claim credit for them anyway.  At one point I was in the middle of doing something he wanted me to do, that was a very bad idea and I should not have been doing, and I was walking along a highway, I found a twenty dollar bill, and then another, it ended up being 150 dollars in all, scattered along the side of the road.  He insisted that was because I was doing what he wanted.

[Kai]

I remember there was a time when The Other One  took over, when friends became a burden. He told me, friends are the enemy, friends will only stab you in the back, if they get a chance. See all those "people" out there? They all have monkeys just like you. And they all have me, and I will raise them up against you if you don't rise up against them first.

But I ran, far, fast, let the good little monkeys push me out of reach of His gorilla arms, straining against the chains, and I hid in a corner. Rage and Hate would pester and taunt me, trying to draw me closer to His cage, but I stayed far away, I stayed quiet.

For 3 years I stayed quiet.




Then, somebody found me, and held me close, and for a time I was safe from those monkeys, because they didn't know how to respond to love.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Actually, Kai, Hate and Rage have no interest in letting the big guy out...in fact, every time the big guy tries to whisper to me about what happened in Panama all those years ago, all the monkeys start howling and shrieking and then one hits a button on the switchboard and big steel doors slam shut around the Gorilla, and all I can hear is him howling behind the steel, while the monkeys all gibber in relief.  They know what happened to Fear, and they aren't about to let it happen to them.

And then I typically throw up.

No, Hate and Rage and Love and all the others are far happier working as a collection of monkeys, rather than a gestalt, which is why I sometimes may seem terribly focused.

One switchboard, one monkey at a time.  No gorillas need apply.

[Kai]

That may be how it works for you, Roger, but my monkeys are SET on letting Him out of the cage. Because everything's been so stuck recently, and if He got out, things would happen. Firework type things, weponized nuclear warhead type things, but still something, better than the dribbling trawl of their treadmills.

And you KNOW, don't you Roger, what I mean by dribbling, don't you? The sound of your brain, monkeys and all turning to sludge and slowly sliding out your nostrils like a nosebleed or wet booger, as you become more and more comfortable to the Way Things Are^TM.

In my head no one is quite sure who's side the Gorilla is on, because sometimes we forget what happened last time and are willing to take that chance, to change things, to make things explode.

[Captain Utopia]

Oh to feel! These used to be such vain little monkeys, in love with their own reflection. A good film or a good book would evoke a chitter from each one in turn as they responded to the love interest or car chase or suspenseful moment which validated their own existence. If I chose their entertainment well they would let me feel content for a little while, and in this manner we forged a working relationship.

For a while I believed I even had the upper hand, I told Hate that he wasn't allowed on the switchboard any longer, and I grew my hair long and stopped eating meat. Overnight, I became a motherfucking ethical genius. Oh to feel master of ones destiny, steering the course through such dangerous waters! I allowed myself to enjoy the feeling of vanity too, and why not, I deserved it, goddamn.

Then one day I noticed that at some point in the previous decade, I'd started Hating those who ate meat. And things split apart. That fucking monkey had slipped his reins somehow when I wasn't paying attention! The sound of blood rushing in my ears mingled with the gibbering sound of his vengeful laugh as he hammered away at the switchboard, enjoying my fruitless attempts to defeat Hate with Hate.

But that was far from the worst day, because I could still feel purest universal Love, and I didn't Fear the fact that Hate had proven those monkeys could trick me. I could still feel proud about myself as my bank account and curriculum vitae both proved me to be more than some stupid vain monkey.

Then came the worst day. I caught two of my monkeys just casually swapping their masks. Hate became Fear and Fear became Hate. And when they were done I could no longer tell which one was originally which. Oh to feel.. what? Only two times in my life have those monkeys fell silent. On this day, as the rest of the troupe wandered onto the stage, they remained silent.. all meeting my gaze with their beady lifeless eyes. Then the howling started and each ripped off their face and threw it into the air as if celebrating their graduation.

Today their faces are lopsided, sometimes upside down, but usually I just don't bother to look. What's the point? I short-circuited the switchboard years ago and they sometimes jabber and poke at it, but I think even they have given up hope at this point.

I feel nothing. But I have won.

[Eater of Clowns]

Happy is a chimp that lives in your head.  In mine too.  When you're small with small problems that are resolved faster than a Saturday morning cartoon, Happy is pretty much the only chimp that lives in your head.  At that point he's a big, strong chimp that doesn't even need to defend the levers.  None of the other chimps are brave enough to stand up to him!

Something happens after a while and it's different in everyone.  Sometimes Rage strikes the first blow and Happy gets hurt.  For others, it's Fear that attacks.  In some, The Other One whispers insidious things to all the chimps and they learn how to handle Happy.  But still, Happy gets his turn at the levers.  Sometimes they're very long turns.  Then sometimes they're very short turns.

Later still some chimps are growing and some are shrinking.  Happy is one of the shrinking ones.  Happy never gets a turn at the levers.  He sits in the corner and smiles and sometimes the other chimps kick him and tears of joy drip down the corners of his big chimpy grin.

Ethics knows it's not right what's happening to Happy.  He walks up to Happy and he says, "You know, Happy, it's not right what's happening to you.  We each deserve our turn at the levers, and well if you aren't going to get it by asking maybe you should team up with another smaller chimp and take it from the big ones."

Happy knew he was right, but he didn't want to team up with boring old Ethics.  He found Self-Destructo the Wonder Chimp, self proclaimed superhero of the chimps in our brain.  And oh how Happy grinned when you fell, beamed as the blood trickled out.  He said thank you to Self-Destructo and he went back to his own business, exhuberantly and flamboyantly swinging around like he did as a young, free chimp.

So that's how Happy survives now.  Sometimes he's friends with Rage and sometimes he's friends with Desire.  No matter who he's with he's still smiling.  Sometimes it's a grin, sometimes it's a sneer, sometimes it's malicious, and sometimes it's not clear.

[The Wizard]

The Other one is a sneaky bastard. He lets Hate most of his work for him, makes me hate stupid people, makes me hate the way the world is, makes me hate how little I can do to change it. And when I'm sitting there on the edge, with a wide, toothy smile on my face and I really feel like delivering wisdom at knife point, that's when the Other guy speaks up. He doesn't have to do much. He just encourages me. He knows all the switches to throw, all the little levers that make me tick. He plays on my desire to do right, for justice. He plays on my fascination with the insane, making me think that my own crazy is violent and twisted. Over all he plays a conservative act, but it works.

But there's another monkey who takes over the switchboard when I get this way. He's the Joke. And he couldn't give a shit. Show him justice, he'll show you Kitty Genovese. Show him insanity, he'll show you international politics. And he makes me realize that it's all a Joke, and that the only way to change it is to laugh at it, and then retell it in your own words. I remember to make the human condition my bitch.

Good times, good times
Dr. James Semaj the Absurd

[The Good Reverend Roger]

EoC and Semaj: 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Bump, because I'm bored.

[Jasper]

Sometimes it's a grin, sometimes it's a sneer, sometimes it's malicious, and sometimes it's not clear.

Love this.

[Eater of Clowns]

This was one of my favorites of the psycho letters; I'm surprised it didn't catch on like the others.

Sometimes it's a grin, sometimes it's a sneer, sometimes it's malicious, and sometimes it's not clear.

Love this.

Thanks.