Notes for people wishing to visit Tucson™.

[Doktor Howl]

A number of you have suggested eventually visiting Tucson.  After a recent near-miss, I'd like to offer some little hints that may help prevent your horrible, ignominous death.

1.  If you are driving, make sure the car is RELIABLE.  Good brakes, good coolant system, good oil retention, everything.  If your car is suspect, rent one.  I cannot stress this point enough.

2.  If you are driving through the Sonoran or Mojave desert, bring NO LESS than FIVE GALLONS of water PER PERSON.  

3.  Always be aware that there are vast stretches of desert where conventional cell phones don't work, and if you're not on a main highway (I10, etc), it could be hours or days before anyone comes along...And not everyone will stop to help.

4.  Bring a hat.  Wear that hat.  The Arizona sun will bake your brain, right through your hair, in a couple of hours.  Any hat is better than none, but wide brim hats will keep you cooler and protect your face and neck from serious sunburns or even sun poisoning.

5.  If you become stranded, carry as much water as you can INSIDE YOUR BODY.  If you become thirsty, you're already dehydrated, and re-hydrating uses more water than staying hydrated.  Conserving water leads to sunstroke.  Sunstroke is fatal.  Nuff said.  Stay with your vehicle if you are not isolated from the road.  Also, distances in the desert are FAR greater than they appear.  DO NOT SMOKE.  Also - and this is crucial - if you have no water, DO NOT EAT.  If you have to walk out, do it at night.

6.  Remember, an unprepared, ill-equiped person's lifespan in the desert is measured in hours in the summertime, and perhaps a day or two in the winter.

7.  DO NOT FUCK WITH THE WILDLIFE.  Wildlife in Arizona comes in basically 2 forms:  "Poisonous" and "will beat you in a fight, 169% guaranteed, and will then eat you."  Sometimes both.

8.  Call when you even have a SUSPICION that you may be in trouble.  At least let someone know where you are, what direction you are traveling in, and when you expect to check back in.

9.  If you see armed men - not kidding here- go the other way.  Likewise, if you see a row of backpacks in the desert, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

10.  Stay out of the fucking washes.  Flash floods here develop in minutes.

11.  Drinking water from a cactus will likely kill you.  Most water-bearing cacti are loaded with an acid that causes the shits, which will dehydrate you and kill you.

12.  Stay off the ground.  Sleep on something that isn't dirt.

13.  The backseat of your car makes a wonderful signal fire, with horrible gouts of black smoke.

If I can think of anything else, I'll post it.

[Triple Zero]

Wow um, is Nigel doing okay, then?

And the five gallons of water per person, wow. At first I thought I might got the measurements wrong, as 1 US gallon = 3.8 Liter, which is about the amount I'd drink on a really really hot day (here) if I wanted to stay really really well hydrated. But then this guide advises that if the soldiers do work all day, they require 4 gallons per man per day I didn't know one could even drink that much ... So if you take it a bit easier than a soldier, your advice of 5 gallons should potentially last you 2-3 days or so, if you get in trouble?

[Doktor Howl]

Wow um, is Nigel doing okay, then?

And the five gallons of water per person, wow. At first I thought I might got the measurements wrong, as 1 US gallon = 3.8 Liter, which is about the amount I'd drink on a really really hot day (here) if I wanted to stay really really well hydrated. But then this guide advises that if the soldiers do work all day, they require 4 gallons per man per day I didn't know one could even drink that much ... So if you take it a bit easier than a soldier, your advice of 5 gallons should potentially last you 2-3 days or so, if you get in trouble?

1.  Nigel was fortunate in that she broke down about 3 hours' drive outside of the Mojave.  She is fine, and is working on a solution to the transport issue.  She may still make it here.

2.  That's the idea.  However, in the summer here, especially if you are near a road, you will burn through a gallon of water every two- three hours or so, if you're walking or otherwise exerting yourself.  It's a combination of altitude, lack of humidity, and 110F temperatures.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

I hope Nigel is not a bleached bone person with sensible and stylish shoes propped up against a broken down car  



..........




Oh good. I see she is not dead.

[Adios]

A number of you have suggested eventually visiting Tucson.  After a recent near-miss, I'd like to offer some little hints that may help prevent your horrible, ignominous death.

1.  If you are driving, make sure the car is RELIABLE.  Good brakes, good coolant system, good oil retention, everything.  If your car is suspect, rent one.  I cannot stress this point enough.

2.  If you are driving through the Sonoran or Mojave desert, bring NO LESS than FIVE GALLONS of water PER PERSON.  

3.  Always be aware that there are vast stretches of desert where conventional cell phones don't work, and if you're not on a main highway (I10, etc), it could be hours or days before anyone comes along...And not everyone will stop to help.

4.  Bring a hat.  Wear that hat.  The Arizona sun will bake your brain, right through your hair, in a couple of hours.  Any hat is better than none, but wide brim hats will keep you cooler and protect your face and neck from serious sunburns or even sun poisoning.

5.  If you become stranded, carry as much water as you can INSIDE YOUR BODY.  If you become thirsty, you're already dehydrated, and re-hydrating uses more water than staying hydrated.  Conserving water leads to sunstroke.  Sunstroke is fatal.  Nuff said.  Stay with your vehicle if you are not isolated from the road.  Also, distances in the desert are FAR greater than they appear.  DO NOT SMOKE.  Also - and this is crucial - if you have no water, DO NOT EAT.  If you have to walk out, do it at night.

6.  Remember, an unprepared, ill-equiped person's lifespan in the desert is measured in hours in the summertime, and perhaps a day or two in the winter.

7.  DO NOT FUCK WITH THE WILDLIFE.  Wildlife in Arizona comes in basically 2 forms:  "Poisonous" and "will beat you in a fight, 169% guaranteed, and will then eat you."  Sometimes both.

8.  Call when you even have a SUSPICION that you may be in trouble.  At least let someone know where you are, what direction you are traveling in, and when you expect to check back in.

9.  If you see armed men - not kidding here- go the other way.  Likewise, if you see a row of backpacks in the desert, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

10.  Stay out of the fucking washes.  Flash floods here develop in minutes.

11.  Drinking water from a cactus will likely kill you.  Most water-bearing cacti are loaded with an acid that causes the shits, which will dehydrate you and kill you.

12.  Stay off the ground.  Sleep on something that isn't dirt.

13.  The backseat of your car makes a wonderful signal fire, with horrible gouts of black smoke.

If I can think of anything else, I'll post it.

Sounds like a shitload of common sense.

[Aucoq]

9.  If you see armed men - not kidding here- go the other way.  Likewise, if you see a row of backpacks in the desert, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.

This is what I'd be most afraid of.  Especially since the shortest drive (according to Yahoo! Maps) takes you very close to Juarez, Mexico.  At least, that's how it appears on the map.  I'm not sure how close I-10 actually gets to the border, but I can't imagine it'd be the safest highway in the country to drive.

[Jasper]

What's with the rows of backpacks? 

[Doktor Howl]

What's with the rows of backpacks? 

Drugs.  Carried in by illegals escorted by cartel members, then cached until someone on this side shows up with a truck to take 'em away.

[Eater of Clowns]

I think in 2011 we should all make a pilgrimage to Tucson and each, in turn, perish in one of the ways listed above.

Let's make 2011 the year the discord died.

[Doktor Howl]

I think in 2011 we should all make a pilgrimage to Tucson and each, in turn, perish in one of the ways listed above.

Let's make 2011 the year the discord died.

What?  Don McLean would write a 15 minute sappy song about us.  Fuck that.

[Adios]

I think in 2011 we should all make a pilgrimage to Tucson and each, in turn, perish in one of the ways listed above.

Let's make 2011 the year the discord died.

Ummmm......NO.

Besides Dok and myself can't die, so you have to suffer right along with us.

[Eater of Clowns]

Fine, we'll all go together and encounter these problems in a series of hilarious shenanigans after which we reach our destination while having learned something valuable about ourselves.  It'll be such a delightful romp you CRANKY OLD BASTARDS.

[Doktor Howl]

Fine, we'll all go together and encounter these problems in a series of hilarious shenanigans after which we reach our destination while having learned something valuable about ourselves.  It'll be such a delightful romp you CRANKY OLD BASTARDS.

See, then I'd have to kill you all, and Devo II would have to remake Helter Skelter.

Do you really want that?

[Eater of Clowns]

Fine, we'll all go together and encounter these problems in a series of hilarious shenanigans after which we reach our destination while having learned something valuable about ourselves.  It'll be such a delightful romp you CRANKY OLD BASTARDS.

See, then I'd have to kill you all, and Devo II would have to remake Helter Skelter.

Do you really want that?

It's comments like these that make you the disgruntled but lovable mentor of our wacky gang.  Let's go get into adventures, all, and solve mysteries and such!

[President Television]

Fine, we'll all go together and encounter these problems in a series of hilarious shenanigans after which we reach our destination while having learned something valuable about ourselves.  It'll be such a delightful romp you CRANKY OLD BASTARDS.

See, then I'd have to kill you all, and Devo II would have to remake Helter Skelter.

Do you really want that?

It's comments like these that make you the disgruntled but lovable mentor of our wacky gang.  Let's go get into adventures, all, and solve mysteries and such!

ROLVE RYSTERIES?