ATTN: ADMIN TEAM (and everyone else, for the sake of transparency)

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Kai as a THelemic Cowboy. Will repost in Spagbook:

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

100% Awesome

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

[East Coast Hustle]

1) People don't like being told what to do.
2) People don't like being told that people don't like being told what to do.
3) Goto 1)

Please point me to where anybody is being told what to do ITT.

otherwise, not helping anything dude.

[East Coast Hustle]

YOU. YEAH, YOU WHO ARE ABOUT TO POST SOME DEFENSIVE BULLSHIT. YOU ARE PD.COM AIDS. OK? SHUT THE FUCK UP.

[LMNO]

1) People don't like being told what to do.
2) People don't like being told that people don't like being told what to do.
3) Goto 1)

Please point me to where anybody is being told what to do ITT.

otherwise, not helping anything dude.

Not directly, no.  However, there were misperceptions that someone was telling someone else what to do.  And for some odd reason, that was enough to start the hissyshitstorm.

[Marky321]

[eighteen buddha strike]

I got my lawn chair, I got my beer. I'm good.

Wait a minute... this is PBR.

Shit

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

I got my lawn chair, I got my beer. I'm good.

Wait a minute... this is PBR.

Shit

HIPSTER!

[Marky321]

[eighteen buddha strike]

I got my lawn chair, I got my beer. I'm good.

Wait a minute... this is PBR.

Shit

HIPSTER!

Yep, you called me out.
Guess I'll ride my fixed gear down to the locally owned coffee shop where I can read Infinite Jest in public...
With my kids-small Orchid shirt, Diesel jeans and asymmetrical haircut.

[Marky321]

As per the new admin guidelines, I will leave this here for further contemplation and safekeeping.


   As some of you may know, this wonderful Simple Machines Forum has been experiencing a phenomenon of cataclysmic proportions, which Western Medicine has defined as extreme "Pop-Tart Paranoia." If you are a new member here, you are going to get accused of being Pop-Tart. In many cases you will be banned for being Pop-Tart, even though you're just a regular noob. In the case of "choptop" and "Dranes43," they came in talking in classic Pop-Tart form, (short, very short) and proceeded to be banned as Pop-Tart based on the structuring of their posts. Whether this was intentional or not, we will never know. But we do know that they were not Pop-Tart. Recently, a new member named "Krez" joined our forum, proved his identity with random facts about Tucson, as was still accused of being Pop-Tart. Krez is not Pop-Tart. Pop-Tart would not send creepy PMs. Pop-Tart himself will get accused of being Pop-Tart, knowing there is no way the Mad Scientist and the other Mods can know for sure it's really him, and yet he gets banned anyway. Pop-Tart was banned by Cain for posting in the hipster thread because Cain hates hipsters and had a hunch Aries Gurl could be Pop-Tart. Then Cain unbanned Pop-Tart 5 minutes later because he didn't have any solid proof, he just hates hipsters. But let's not get into the dirty, yet somewhat warranted, moderation that has been going on lately.

     In a recent interview with Anon from 4chan, First City Hustle was quoted as saying, "Our site has been consumed by Pop-Tart Paranoia. The Mad Scientist is overrun with it. Just yesterday he told me he now suspects Mistress Freeky as being a Pop-Tart alt. I don't know what to think or who to believe anymore, but SRSLY, this Pop-Tart person has no life. I'm sure that he has read at least 90% of the content within the site by now. I'm willing to bet he has spent many sleepless nights studying all of the infamous trolls. We have come to a point where not even our precious Bunker is safe from his gaze. I assume he has saved every image he could get his grubby little hands on, and right now, somewhere out there in the internets, there are visions of merciless WOMPs dancing in his head. I've heard rumors that he might actually be a revered member of our community. Other people are saying that at any moment, he might be posting from 3 or more accounts simultaneously. The word on the street is that even though he is ASCII-challenged, he now has the ability to create his own private proxy servers, giving him IP addresses that can't be detected as a suspected proxy server or network sharing device. This would allow him to choose specific locations for each address, making it virtually impossible to put a finger on him. Hearing this news was a devastating blow to our psyche. We now realize that the butthurt troll will never give up, and his drive and technical knowledge are growing at an exponential rate. We must find a way to rectumfy our Pop-Tart problem. I know the easiest and most efficient solution would be to just unban the poor bastard. But if some unforeseen event happens, Daruko could use that against me. Must. Defeat. Daruko. I would like to take this opportunity to inform the beloved members of our site that I have elevated our Security Advisory System to AMBER, known by many as ERNIE."




THE EASIEST AND MOST ENJOYABLE WAY TO END POP-TART PARANOIA IS BY COMPLYING WITH MY DEMANDS:


1. Pop-Tart's original IP address from Pengilly, Minnesota must be unbanned.

2. I shall receive a "Dutch Rutter" from Ne+@uNGr0+ in a heterosexual, non-gay fashion. This must be done with the aid of Herbal Essence shampoo or Johnson's Baby Lotion.

3. Faust must change his avatar back to that cute blue thingy. I discovered its name might be Bloo after some tedious googling. Go figure.

4. Daruko's original IP address must be unbanned. From this point forward he shall be referred to as "King Daruko" only.

5. Dr. James Semaj must take a picture of himself draped in the Canadian flag and post it in the spagbook thread.

6. Nigel must complete a Quest for ME.

7. The Dancing Pickle must publicly admit that the "pickle" in his profile picture is actually a "cactuar."

8. An honest, accurate definition for HIMEBOBS. I finally figured out Wrath Of Microsoft Paint so it's on to the next one.

9. One of the lady members must give me a rimjob WHILE I eat potato chips.

10. A thread titled "Pop-Tart is the Greatest Troll Evar!" must be erected within Apple Talk in my honor. "Greatest" may be substituted with "Most Annoying" or "Most Persistent." This will be bumped every-hour-on-the-our OR every-so-often with "Frosted Cookies 'N Cream FTW!"

11. I can smoke e-cigarettes wherever and whenever I want, even on the e-plane.

12. Doktor Howl must change his username to Doktor Feelgood for 1 week.

13. Cain must take a picture of himself wearing tight jeans, an argyle sweater that is 3 sizes too small, thick rimmed non-prescription glasses,  and an old pair of Converse. He must do this while listening to some band you've never heard of and post the picture in spagbook.


COMPLETION OF ANY COMBINATION OF THREE (3) OF MY DEMANDS, WHICH MUST INCLUDE DEMAND #1, WILL ACTIVATE THE SEQUENCE AND YOUR LIVES WILL BE SAVED. POP-TART WILL TAKE A PERMANENT BREAK FROM OPERATION MINDFUCK AND SHALL BE BURNED IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN.

Completion Bonus: You will all receive sexual favors from Aries Gurl on a first cum first serve basis, who can be found somewhere around page 5 in a yahoo image search for "Aries Girl."

Failure to meet my demands will result in excessive trolling and prolonged Pop-Tart Paranoia. If you have any concern for the health of the Mad Scientist, I would suggest complying immediately. There will be trolls you may or may not have seen the likes of before; Bieber Fans, Bible Bangers, EMOs, Juggalos, Hipsters, Glenn Beck Supporters, etc etc.

Just to show you I mean business, I have sacrificed Professor Cramulus' first born.




And learned to do this.

YOU SHOULD
               Meet my demands. I demand it.

IF YOU DON'T
               I will copy E.O.T's writing syle.

I DON'T THINK
              You will be pleased.


MY DEMANDS MUST BE MET BY SEPTEMBER 23rd, 2008.

Pop-Tart.

POP-TART WAS HERE

HE WANTS HIS IP BACK

[AFK]

Just slap on some duct tape onto the lawn chair and you can negate the Hipsterism with Canuckistanian.  

[AFK]

[Cain]

To clear up any possible confusion, this is exactly what I said earlier on

Uh, can we please lay off the vague accusations about people until those who actually have the power to check an IP say something?  Please?  It's only a little thing I'm asking here, since, if you don't have said power, you don't know and you're just wildly speculating anyway. 

Just a trend I've noticed recently (not just Hawk) and it's starting to irritate slightly.  I know how I'd react on a board which treated my first post with suspicion.

I don't think this request is unreasonable, or was asked in an unreasonable manner?  I'm not saying if someone acts like a tard you should treat them with kid gloves, I'm saying if you're going to accuse someone of being a previous troll, at least have some evidence to back this up.  Being annoying or having some knowledge of things that happened on the board don't exactly count (especially since most people know to lurk more by now), and if they are being annoying...well, that falls under the acting like a tard bit I posted before.

I really just think this is common sense, and don't see that it should be contentious at all.  I'd rather not act like the tards at The Cellar and similar places, where, IIRC, some of us were treated with that initial suspicion.  It tends to result in negative feedback loops and downward spirals of interaction, until the situation that was initially trying to be avoided is happening  ie everyone flips into troll mode for no good reason. 

That's all.

[Cain]

And if it that is contentious, you can jam your protests somewhere dark and painful, because quite frankly I'm tired of having to explain myself when I've done nothing wrong.