Welcome to the USA

[Doktor Howl]

Nigel and I would like to welcome you all to America, even if you've lived here your whole life.  Why?  Because we know America, and you don't.  We were there when they let people like Reagan and Richard Nixon run loose, and we saw the last moments of American glory that ended with the demise of the Apollo program.  We saw the rules change, we understand the nuts and bolts of America, we've read the schematic and helped write the operating manual.

Not that anyone read it, of course, or even changed the oil.  This is of course why we can't have nice things.

I mean, you don't think we've bunkered-in in places like Portland and Tucson for nothing, right?  They are horrible towns that want us all dead, but - maybe because of that, these towns still know how to have a good time.  From these safe havens, we watched our enemies grow strong on what we'd left behind.

But what of it?  It's really hard to be happy without a fight, and picking on the hapless dems and their glassy-eyed followers was like punting a retarded child.   Makes a horrible noise, and just isn't a challenge.

But now the yahoos are back, and I love them.  They spazz out at the drop of a hat...Or, for that matter, the drop of the enormous butt-lumber I left on their local office door stoop last night, in a frenzy of joy.  I had eaten turkey meatloaf, and the embedded bits of corn and peas made my offering look appropriately festive.

You should love them, too, in the same way a U-Boat commander loved to see a merchantman drop out of a convoy with engine trouble.  It's hard to explain the predatory grin that remains plastered on my face at all times.  You can actually see my molars.  All of them.

Nigel and some of the other older generation here will know precisely what I mean.  We loved Richard Nixon in his retirement, and we loved to hate him.  He was at the same time a monster and a warrior.  He knew why we hated him, and he didn't care, unlike this weak creature that we have now.  Nixon did what HE thought was right, and we wound up with things like clean air and water, OSHA, and that Watergate thing.  He wasn't really an evil man, just paranoid.  Some people said he just loved too much, and I suspect they might be right.

He also set the stage for the architect of modern America, Ronald Reagan.  Reagan was a hideous old man, and everything he did was filthy and wrong, and he left a trail of slime on the rug that caused the White House cleaning staff to call a hazmat team...But he did teach us not to trust the government, though - true to form - the American public mis-applied the lesson and now we have Sarah Palin humping our legs.  In this morning's meeting, all the other supervisors were gushing about how she'd "be ready in 2016".  

Horrible, horrible.

George Bush (41) knew that Reagan was nuttier than a shithouse rat (The same opinion he's offered on the teabaggers), but he got distracted by Desert Storm and Operation Just BeCause, and never really did much about it.  Clinton and Bush (43) basically continued Reagan's demented policies, and Obama...Well, Obama just grins a lot, as if he knows the punch line and you don't.  And now the teabaggers.

Can anyone blame me for expressing my admiration in a scatological manner?  I merely wished to convey my respect for them as an enemy.  

And this new America that the teabaggers promise us...Why, it's going to be the most fertile ground to recruit new freaks that we've seen since George 43 publicly castrated himself in the summer of 2008.  Are we ready to take advantage of this?  We'd better be...If we can't make this the funniest period in American history (with the exception of HUAC), then we should just admit that we're Facebook for Nerds and be done with it.

So I say unto you:  In the next 60 days, each of you should try to recruit 2 new Discordians.  It doesn't matter if they come to PD or not, just get them active.  That will keep YOU active.  Then try to get THEM to recruit 2 new people, while you go on to recruit one additional person per 2-3 months.  

Then DO STUFF.  Go nuts with propaganda, try to photobomb rallies, try to get in the local news, wrench up your local government.  Post your exploits as "ideas" to keep in line with the KYFMS rule.

There's no time to sit still and post observations about the stupid monkeys that surround us.  We must ACT, we must PUNISH THE MONKEYS.  WE MUST ALL DO SOMETHING GROTESQUE BEFORE WE DIE!  ERIS DEMANDS IT!

AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Or Kill Me.

Bump for Nigel.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nigel and I would like to welcome you all to America, even if you've lived here your whole life.  Why?  Because we know America, and you don't.  We were there when they let people like Reagan and Richard Nixon run loose, and we saw the last moments of American glory that ended with the demise of the Apollo program.  We saw the rules change, we understand the nuts and bolts of America, we've read the schematic and helped write the operating manual.

Not that anyone read it, of course, or even changed the oil.  This is of course why we can't have nice things.

I mean, you don't think we've bunkered-in in places like Portland and Tucson for nothing, right?  They are horrible towns that want us all dead, but - maybe because of that, these towns still know how to have a good time.  From these safe havens, we watched our enemies grow strong on what we'd left behind.

But what of it?  It's really hard to be happy without a fight, and picking on the hapless dems and their glassy-eyed followers was like punting a retarded child.   Makes a horrible noise, and just isn't a challenge.

But now the yahoos are back, and I love them.  They spazz out at the drop of a hat...Or, for that matter, the drop of the enormous butt-lumber I left on their local office door stoop last night, in a frenzy of joy.  I had eaten turkey meatloaf, and the embedded bits of corn and peas made my offering look appropriately festive.

You should love them, too, in the same way a U-Boat commander loved to see a merchantman drop out of a convoy with engine trouble.  It's hard to explain the predatory grin that remains plastered on my face at all times.  You can actually see my molars.  All of them.

Nigel and some of the other older generation here will know precisely what I mean.  We loved Richard Nixon in his retirement, and we loved to hate him.  He was at the same time a monster and a warrior.  He knew why we hated him, and he didn't care, unlike this weak creature that we have now.  Nixon did what HE thought was right, and we wound up with things like clean air and water, OSHA, and that Watergate thing.  He wasn't really an evil man, just paranoid.  Some people said he just loved too much, and I suspect they might be right.

He also set the stage for the architect of modern America, Ronald Reagan.  Reagan was a hideous old man, and everything he did was filthy and wrong, and he left a trail of slime on the rug that caused the White House cleaning staff to call a hazmat team...But he did teach us not to trust the government, though - true to form - the American public mis-applied the lesson and now we have Sarah Palin humping our legs.  In this morning's meeting, all the other supervisors were gushing about how she'd "be ready in 2016".  

Horrible, horrible.

George Bush (41) knew that Reagan was nuttier than a shithouse rat (The same opinion he's offered on the teabaggers), but he got distracted by Desert Storm and Operation Just BeCause, and never really did much about it.  Clinton and Bush (43) basically continued Reagan's demented policies, and Obama...Well, Obama just grins a lot, as if he knows the punch line and you don't.  And now the teabaggers.

Can anyone blame me for expressing my admiration in a scatological manner?  I merely wished to convey my respect for them as an enemy.  

And this new America that the teabaggers promise us...Why, it's going to be the most fertile ground to recruit new freaks that we've seen since George 43 publicly castrated himself in the summer of 2008.  Are we ready to take advantage of this?  We'd better be...If we can't make this the funniest period in American history (with the exception of HUAC), then we should just admit that we're Facebook for Nerds and be done with it.

So I say unto you:  In the next 60 days, each of you should try to recruit 2 new Discordians.  It doesn't matter if they come to PD or not, just get them active.  That will keep YOU active.  Then try to get THEM to recruit 2 new people, while you go on to recruit one additional person per 2-3 months.  

Then DO STUFF.  Go nuts with propaganda, try to photobomb rallies, try to get in the local news, wrench up your local government.  Post your exploits as "ideas" to keep in line with the KYFMS rule.

There's no time to sit still and post observations about the stupid monkeys that surround us.  We must ACT, we must PUNISH THE MONKEYS.  WE MUST ALL DO SOMETHING GROTESQUE BEFORE WE DIE!  ERIS DEMANDS IT!

AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Or Kill Me.

Bump for Nigel.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS



This ship is doomed, and I want to light it on fire before it goes down.

[Luna]

Hell, yeah.