Today, a martyr gave his life for the Church.

[Suu]

A man who was such a goddamn Christian hipster, that those mainstream Romans wanted nothing to do with him, so they locked him up and put him on the list to be executed.

This martyr, this hipster fuck, was such a pussy, he wrote letters to the GODDAMN EMPEROR CLAUDIUS' DAUGHTER begging for his life. He signed them with his name.

He was stoned to death on February 14th, 269, for being a goddamn emo hipster pussy.

The end.





De tui Valentinus,

Kaousuu

[Lies]

A man who was such a goddamn Christian hipster, that those mainstream Romans wanted nothing to do with him, so they locked him up and put him on the list to be executed.

This martyr, this hipster fuck, was such a pussy, he wrote letters to the GODDAMN EMPEROR CLAUDIUS' DAUGHTER begging for his life. He signed them with his name.

He was stoned to death on February 14th, 269, for being a goddamn emo hipster pussy.

The end.





De tui Valentinus,

Kaousuu

This is weird. I was just talking about Christian Hipsters today with a friend in relation to someone else.

[Cain]

The Vatican's own records suggest Valentine was such a loser that "his acts were only known to God".  So even they didn't know why a feast day was set aside in his honour.  What a failure.

[Suu]

There were 3 Valentines, so no one knows for sure which is which. So they put them all on the same Feast Day, you know, to make it more interesting.

[Cain]

According to this helpful list, there look to be about 14 Saint Valentines.  Which may actually explain the date.

[Richter]

Your regular Christian martyr generally does two things, which usually occur by default in rapid succession.  One is they say "Fuck you" (more or less) to the predominant ruling body, angry mob, etc., and the second is they die really hard.  Anyone who thought the New Testament wasn't Old Testament enough, well, you've never bothered to ask about the legal system, aside fro Jesus' little run in with the law.  

Ancient Rome was NOT big on repeat offenders.  Legal scholars will note the popularity of the "One strike and you're dinner" policy.  Also popular was the, reality show, "Watch us rip the junk off whoever pissed us off this week", and Emperor Nero's "You're free after you've helped with the lighting for my garden party tonight"

St. Valentine didn't QUITE fit this bill, cementing his status as being hipster before hipster was cool.  He pissed people off, sure.  No EXACT record of what he did survives, or even of his death, but Wiki will tell you a couple of the fragmentary theories that we can derive a LOT of VERY CERTAIN HIPSTER acts from.

1.  He got locked up for something, likely marrying Christians.  (Just for marrying people?  More like bootleging vinyl of St. Peter's stuff.)

2.  While locked up, he got on the Emperor's good side.  The emperor was Claudius.  No, not some early era stuttering Claudius, this was the UFCKING HARDCORE Claudius, Claudius II, aka Claudius Gothicus.  This was back when goths were more about fucking the shit up than farting bats and runnign mascara.  Still, Valentine got along with this hardcore motherfucker for awhile, and presumably moved from "Cold bath, man-love or DIE" roman prison to "Cushy chill with the Empereor" roman prison.  SO yeah, he got all that street cred for drinking wine and macking on the Emperor's daughter, which leads us to....

3.  DEATH.  The Emperor got some reason to go TOTALLY METAL on Valentine.  Maybe for a conversion pitch, maybe for the aforementioned daughter-macking.  ANYWAYS, Valentine tried to save his own ass by writing to the daughter (as Suu mentioned).  He must not have been that good, since he got offed anyways.  

The early church, all about people dieing for the cause, seized on this and twatted him up as another noble soul who certainly did great stuff.  Hipster cushy jail sentence asshole?  Nope, he's a SAINT and a MARTYR now, and a great reason to subvert another Roman holiday.  (early chrisitians were not famous for their hygeine, so we can guess they were kind of pissed at gettign snubbed at the orgies.  Probably where the card thing came from.)  

[Luna]

Also popular was the, reality show, "Watch us rip the junk off whoever pissed us off this week"

Hey, that's a personal favorite...

[hooplala]

The Vatican's own records suggest Valentine was such a loser that "his acts were only known to God".  So even they didn't know why a feast day was set aside in his honour.  What a failure.

Sounds kind of perverted.

[Suu]

It was also really hip as a Christian to be a martyr for a time period, which is part of the reason why Constantine went with ending the hunting season and forcing the bishops at Nicea to regulate them. Rome was getting sick and tired of the bullshit and cleaning Jesus-loving guts off their nice streets.

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

[Prince Glittersnatch III]

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

Please tell me youre being serious.

[Luna]

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

Please tell me youre being serious.

No crazier than, say, the thought that walking into a crowd of innocent people and blowing yourself and them up will get you to paradise.

[Suu]

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

Please tell me youre being serious.

Dead serious.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

Your regular Christian martyr generally does two things, which usually occur by default in rapid succession.  One is they say "Fuck you" (more or less) to the predominant ruling body, angry mob, etc., and the second is they die really hard.  Anyone who thought the New Testament wasn't Old Testament enough, well, you've never bothered to ask about the legal system, aside fro Jesus' little run in with the law.  

Ancient Rome was NOT big on repeat offenders.  Legal scholars will note the popularity of the "One strike and you're dinner" policy.  Also popular was the, reality show, "Watch us rip the junk off whoever pissed us off this week", and Emperor Nero's "You're free after you've helped with the lighting for my garden party tonight"

St. Valentine didn't QUITE fit this bill, cementing his status as being hipster before hipster was cool.  He pissed people off, sure.  No EXACT record of what he did survives, or even of his death, but Wiki will tell you a couple of the fragmentary theories that we can derive a LOT of VERY CERTAIN HIPSTER acts from.

1.  He got locked up for something, likely marrying Christians.  (Just for marrying people?  More like bootleging vinyl of St. Peter's stuff.)

2.  While locked up, he got on the Emperor's good side.  The emperor was Claudius.  No, not some early era stuttering Claudius, this was the UFCKING HARDCORE Claudius, Claudius II, aka Claudius Gothicus.  This was back when goths were more about fucking the shit up than farting bats and runnign mascara.  Still, Valentine got along with this hardcore motherfucker for awhile, and presumably moved from "Cold bath, man-love or DIE" roman prison to "Cushy chill with the Empereor" roman prison.  SO yeah, he got all that street cred for drinking wine and macking on the Emperor's daughter, which leads us to....

3.  DEATH.  The Emperor got some reason to go TOTALLY METAL on Valentine.  Maybe for a conversion pitch, maybe for the aforementioned daughter-macking.  ANYWAYS, Valentine tried to save his own ass by writing to the daughter (as Suu mentioned).  He must not have been that good, since he got offed anyways.  

The early church, all about people dieing for the cause, seized on this and twatted him up as another noble soul who certainly did great stuff.  Hipster cushy jail sentence asshole?  Nope, he's a SAINT and a MARTYR now, and a great reason to subvert another Roman holiday.  (early chrisitians were not famous for their hygeine, so we can guess they were kind of pissed at gettign snubbed at the orgies.  Probably where the card thing came from.)  

This is fucking brilliant!! I need to share it with a friend. I will mention it is yours.

[Suu]

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

Please tell me youre being serious.

No crazier than, say, the thought that walking into a crowd of innocent people and blowing yourself and them up will get you to paradise.

Same idea. Jesus freaks did it first. Islam is nothing new, move along...move along...

[Richter]

There are actually reports, written records, of people in Rome running out into the streets going, "I'M CHRISTIAN! KILL ME!" because it was a fast-track to Heaven.

Please tell me youre being serious.

No crazier than, say, the thought that walking into a crowd of innocent people and blowing yourself and them up will get you to paradise.

Same idea. Jesus freaks did it first. Islam is nothing new, move along...move along...

Look up the zealots and the Sicarri first.