Ten Minute Messes (TM) with The Catastrophe Cook! (R)(C)(TM)(PHD)(RN)

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

This is a repost from my LJ. I thought the real chef-y type people here would find it amusing. Yes, I made (and ate) the shit I wrote into the 'script'.

Pilot Episode - June 30th, 2010

Hi folks, and welcome to my show Ten Minute Messes, the only show that shows you how to take drab leftovers and everyday ingredients and transform them into something faaaaabulouuussss!

But before we get started, let's cover today's Money Saving Tip. When we're doing something like this, with no set recipe, it's easy to find ourselves going back and forth to the fridge at least a dozen times. Often we end up standing there with the door open, just staring at our options. But all that opening and closing and staring is costing us money, folks. Money that could be better spent on food! So to save ourselves a little cash, we want to make sure we get all the ingredients we're going to use in one trip. Make it part of the food-making challenge to grab what you want to use in one trip. Anything that gets left behind, stays behind! And can become part of the next recipe you make. This adds to the adventure and conserves energy - a double win!

What we're working with today is some day-old mac'n'cheese that originally came out of a box. We've also got some abandoned beef roast that was crockpotted to deliciousness, partially devoured, and forgotten for at least a week.

I also found two hardboiled eggs, some Miracle Whip, and two types of salad dressing: a basalmic with basil vinaigrette and ranch.

Because the hodge-podge of flavors is going to be the focus of this dish as we try to bring them to harmony, we're going to start out by cutting the mac, eggs and beef into roughly the same size pieces. This is an important step because we want to try and have similar amounts of flavor from each of these ingredients in each bite. Cutting the beef and egg down to mac sized bits will also allow us to taste how our Whip-and-salad-dressing sauce reacts to each piece.

--> If you've watched this show before, you know this is the part where I say you can always change things up. You want smaller beef-bits? Go for it. The bit I'm using right now crumbles beautifully as I roll it in my fingers to sprinkle over the mac. Look at how that golden mac'n'cheese is already starting to look revitalized by the meat.

You can also, at any point in time, decide you're done and call it a meal. This show is all about giving you a basic idea of what things to toss together to make a new and interesting taste - but the important thing is to ignore what your mother always told you and play with your food. Make it yours - something you actually want to eat.

I guarantee you'll come up with something far more fun and tasty than yet another fast food meal - or you'll have a really interesting story to tell the doctors at the ER when you're explaining how you got food poisoning. <--

Okay, now that we've got our beef and eggs cut up to a like size, we're going to throw it all into a bowl and add a hefty dollop of Miracle Whip. If you don't have Miracle Whip, you can use any sort of mayonnaise. Just be careful to check the expiration date. We aren't trying to poison ourselves on purpose, after all.

The best thing about Miracle Whip, in this recipe (if you could call it that), is that along with being a great binding element - it helps hide little things, like the mac and beef being a little dry. And it allows us to take our concoction and do fun things like use it for a dip or slap it on a sandwich. And why is that good?

Say it with me, guys. BECAUSE ANYTHING CAN BE A SANDWICH! That's right, you remembered! What a great audience.

Now while a normal person might stop here and just leave the Whip to hold things together, I'm going to go another step farther and add a splash of the vinaigrette and a dollop of the ranch. I'm also going to borrow SpiceWeasel, here, and add some salt and pepper. A little more mixing and viola! Here we are, at our tasting point.

Remember we always want to have a little dish and spoon on hand for taste testing. You can use the dish to hold the sample and compare the taste of that to what you've done since that point and a small spoon means less likelihood of getting too much of something really nasty in your mouth.

Just a little bit on the spoon here and we pop it in our mouths . . .

Woof! Blech! Ptooie! AAAAAAUUUUGH!! What have I done? Oh God! I've created a monster, a horrible horrible monster! MEDIC!! MED----------------

-=Show fades out to be replaced with a test signal.=-

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Episode One - July 31st, 2010

Hi folks. I'm the Catastrophe Cook, and welcome to my show - 'Ten Minute Messes', the only show that shows you how to take drab leftovers and everyday ingredients and transform them into something faaaaabulouuussss!

Or at least marginally more edible than school paste.

Today we are going to be working with . . . whatever I find in the fridge! But first let's cover today's Money Saving Tip.

A lot of times what we do here is use a lot of last little forgotten bits which leaves us all these empty packages and containers. Now naturally you should make sure to buy products with the least amount of wasteful packaging but if you can't or didn't - make sure you recycle the leftover containers once the food is gone. And if you can - reuse them. Use a cleaned pickle jar to hold hardboiled eggs or small fruits like cherries. Use those empty plastic lunchmeat containers as reusable storage. It will cut down on your Tupperware expenses and cut down on waste! As an added bonus, you can use these particular containers to store your Ten Minute Messes. Just label them 'biohazard' or something so you don't make friends and family sick with an untested concoction.

Now to start off we are going to do something a little different. We're going to make pita chips. I know, I know, it's a potentially scary adventure but I want you to trust me on this, okay? Just follow along and watch. I promise that if I don't go up in flames - you won't either.

See how we have our oven preheated to 400 degrees? We want to do that ahead of time. Let the oven have a chance to fully warm up to temp. I know it seems silly but it in the long run, our food comes out more evenly cooked and we waste less time tapping our feet and being annoyed that it isn't done already. So now that my oven is ready to go I am going to take this stack of pitas and just cut them into eights. The size of your pita will dictate how many pieces you cut them into. Small pitas need fewer cuts. Large ones need more. It's just like a pizza, folks.

So we cut our pitas and spread the pieces out on this cookie sheet. I like to make little cat faces with mine, triangle points up for the ears and curved edge facing out on the sides for whiskers. Once they're arranged we take our olive oil and drizzle it over all the pieces. We add some kosher salt - or if you want, sugar, cinnamon, chocolate chips . . . this is where you can be creative. But I want salty chips so we're going to stick with the salt and maybe just a sprinkle of garlic. And then we pop the cookie sheet into the oven. I want my chips crispy but not too crispy so we'll put the chips in for eight minutes and call it good. If you want softer chips - don't cook them as long. If you want crispier chips - cook them longer. Just make sure that your smoke detector isn't too close to the oven if you forget about them. And also - don't use your spouse's prized hundred dollar cookie sheet for this the first time. If you're like me, you'll probably end up sleeping on the couch for a month if you do.

Okay! Our pita chips are in and now it's time to get down to the nitty gritty. You guys time me, I have exactly 60 seconds to open the fridge, get what I want to use, and close it again. Ready? Go!

And we have couscous! Lovely stuff but very messy if you aren't careful. Oh a can of deviled ham, that's been in here for -years-, we'll use that. Oh and more hardboiled eggs, so delish. I'll grab this leftover bit of cream of mushroom soup and let's see, salt and pepper are on the counter . . . I'm good! 57 seconds, I am GOOD!

All right, let me get everything set up here and we'll see what we can come up with. Hmm. Let's begin with the couscous and cream of mushroom soup. Couscous is comprised of grain that has been milled, rolled into balls, and dusted with flour. Given the tiny nature if each piece, it can be extremely messy so I want to bind that all together with the soup until I get a smooth texture and everything is evenly coated. That will keep me from getting couscous in my hair and on the floor and stuck to the ceiling if I knock the container over. And now I want to add the deviled ham before it expires . . . if deviled ham CAN expire. I maintain that processed and chemically treated foods like this can last forever, like Twinkies. But then again, I've had food poisoning three times this year so maybe I should rethink that.

Deviled ham is smushed in there, adding a bit of pink to the grey and golden cream colors. Let's add a little pepper, a pinch of salt, oh look garlic and onion powder, in you go . . . anything else? No? Well I suppose that's enough. In with the hardboiled eggs. After the mess on the last show I started cutting my hardboiled eggs just like this, slice, slice, slice so when I dump them in - like so - I don't break my wrist trying to smash and stir them into the mixture.

While I was off on medical leave I had a lot of time to think about how to improve my technique, you see.

Oh look, everything is all smashed together! Awesome. See how that looks? The eggs really add a bit of texture to what otherwise would be a bland looking paste. And it tastes yummy, too, what an unexpected surprise!

Ding! There's our pita chips done in the oven. We'll just fish these out - ouch, they're hot, folks. Ovens cook with heat, after all . . . and look how crispy and delicious these look. I can smell the chips, warm bread and the oil sort of makes the salt more aromatic. I'm salivating for one of these.

And look, with a bit of cheese and some ketchup, this could be a sandwich spread! Why's that? BECAUSE ANYTHiNG CAN BE A SANDWICH! Exactly! I knew you guys would remember.

Look how smoothly it it spreads on one of the pita chips, isn't that glorious? Imagine trying to do that with just the couscous. You'd have a mess on the floor and a slap upside the head from your significant other, I bet.

Now let's just crunch into one of these messy chips and . . . mmm!! How delish! The mushroom soup is really transformed by the ham and couscous, the texture of the egg adds a nice counterpoint to the grain and spices - and it all interacts so beautifully with the chips that do believe I will have another . . .

and another . . . mmm!!

This has been the Catastrophe Cook bringing you another Ten Minute Mess. I hope you enjoyed the show and if you try this particular recipe, write in and tell us how it turned out. Just please remember that the Catastrophe Cook and the Invisible Food Network is not responsible for any poisoning or hospitalization - please cook responsibly and kids - if you try this at home make sure you have lots of gullible friends!

See you next time!

-= show fades out on the Catastrophe Cook shoving face with pita and the latest mess and making om nom nom noises =-

[Adios]

FUCKING

[Luna]

Damn.  When I try to improvise in the kitchen, I don't hit anywhere near a 50% success rate...

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

FUCKING

Thank you kindly.

Damn.  When I try to improvise in the kitchen, I don't hit anywhere near a 50% success rate...

I actually ate the first batch of stuff and it didn't kill me but my stomach hated me for weeks.

[Jenne]

You should have this moved to Bring & Brag, Darlin'.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

You should have this moved to Bring & Brag, Darlin'.

Oh. Would it fit better there?

[Jenne]

I think it's pretty awesome stuff... But leave it here if'n ya wanna.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Mod advice?