ATTN: Ms. Space/Time

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

INTERGALACTIC TELEGRAM SERVICE BRINGS YOU THIS MESSAGE:

Dear Ms. Space/Time,

Please stop smashing my particles.

Sincerely,

Mr. Teh Higgs Boson

-----------END----------------

DISCLAIMER

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to
the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is
Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely
Where This Product Is And How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting
this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred
Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This
Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic
Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That
This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is TenDimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist
or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to
the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[Igor]

 

Those disclaimers should be put on everything!

[LMNO]

Not to be a bummer, but I wish my dad was still alive so I could send him that.

Fucking brilliant.

[East Coast Hustle]

[Cain]

11/10

I laughed, a lot.  And I totally agree with Igor, these need to be turned into stickers, and put on everything.

[Don Coyote]

I read those with GLaDOS' voice.

Needs stickers.

[Cramulus]

[Epimetheus]

omfg 

[Freeky]

Dear Mr. Teh Higgs Boson,

That isn't my department, strictly speaking, unless the particles of which you speak are in your pance region.  If the particles of which you speak are in fact in your pance region, I will require a sacrifice of no less than ten Thai rent boys, three medium muscled American mid-20-something guys (a good personality optional), and one hundred quarts of engine coolant for reasons that do not concern you.  If the sacrificial lambs are on my desk by Wednesday morning next (14th of September), I will have your particles back to normal within five to ten business days.  

I will of course see to it that your complaint is directed to the proper office if it falls under the purview of my associate, one Ms. "Where's My Benjies" Monnet of Tucson, Arizona.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have with similar problems or with catastrophic fire events.

Sincerely,
Ms. Jenkem and SPACE/TIME

[Freeky]

That was hilarious, btw.

[Jenne]

Net--that was deliciously fun to read.  Awesome!

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Dear Mr. Teh Higgs Boson,

That isn't my department, strictly speaking, unless the particles of which you speak are in your pance region.  If the particles of which you speak are in fact in your pance region, I will require a sacrifice of no less than ten Thai rent boys, three medium muscled American mid-20-something guys (a good personality optional), and one hundred quarts of engine coolant for reasons that do not concern you.  If the sacrificial lambs are on my desk by Wednesday morning next (14th of September), I will have your particles back to normal within five to ten business days. 

I will of course see to it that your complaint is directed to the proper office if it falls under the purview of my associate, one Ms. "Where's My Benjies" Monnet of Tucson, Arizona.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns you may have with similar problems or with catastrophic fire events.

Sincerely,
Ms. Jenkem and SPACE/TIME

[Kurt Christ]

I need to get some stickers printed and go to town with these labels in Wal-mart (or other suitably innocuous retail outlet).

[Cramulus]

It just occurred to me that this should go in the same collection as the Big Mac EULA by Vexati0n