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TOO LATE, FUCKERS.

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 24, 2011, 08:25:54 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

October 24, 2011, 08:25:54 PM Last Edit: October 24, 2011, 08:42:32 PM by The Good Reverend Roger
So there I was, enjoying my afterlife following an incident in the bathroom, and YOINK!  Right back down onto this shit-encrusted mud ball, back to being surrounded by Goddamn domesticated primates, and all the insane stupidity they bring.

And why is this?

Because you have SINNED, of course.  You have fallen from The Way.  No amount of SCIENCE seems to stir you, and no amount of SCIENCE can overcome the monkeys that throw their filth all over this great land.  "Other, equally valid theories", "We can't immunize the little shits from HPV, or they won't get what's coming to them when they turn into liberal, America-hating sluts", "I think it's time we gave supply-side economics a chance", "Oh, yeah, I think Rick Perry is the one!"

I can hear you now..."But Rev, we never said those things!"  But you put up with it.  You allowed it to happen.  You sat there and laughed at the funny teabaggers in their funny hats with their funny misspelled signs, while they yahoo'd their way into the house of representatives.  I saw no SMITING OF THE UNWORTHY!  I saw no CASTIGATION of the HEATHEN FILTH that squats over the constitution every chance they get!  I saw not a single instance of a dumbfuck catching one IN THA NADS.

I see all of this, all of this and more.  And I am not amused.

FLEE!  YOUR CITIES ARE DOOMED!  For I come bringing a sword of FIRE, and I shall LAY WASTE about me until all is Tucson.  And you have nobody to blame but yourselves.  You won't get the desert, the literal desert, but The Lost Highway now comes RIGHT TO YOUR FUCKING DOOR.  Universal Tucson in every city, every town, every shitpot truck stop trailer park.  THERE IS NO ESCAPE, RUN THOUGH YOU MAY!

Oh, that Reverend, he's always joking, right kids?  Right right right?  HAW HAW!  ONLY SERIOUS.  Pay attention to what's going on around you, from this moment forward.  IT'S ALL TUCSON.  You had your fucking chance, and not ONE of you thought to stake me in my coffin before you turned into fucking SLACKERS of the WORST KIND.  

Richter, thou shalt be my High Epopt and Avenger in the East.  Yeah, tough shit.  You had your chance.  You are now responsible for ALL righteousness or the lack thereof in the Eastern half of the country.  You KNOW what you have to do.  You will show them the error of their ways.  Hold back not thy avenging FISTS O' DOOM, for they are wretches, and they have had warnings, rants, and signs up the prostate.  Now we cut to the fucking chase.  PUNISHMENT!  DOOM!  WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH!

Nigel, thou shalt be my Angel of the West.  Not the cutsie cherubs of the condolences cards, either.  No, it's all RIGHT ANGLES AND STERN DEMEANORS and HAVOC unto the hippies and hipsters and hollow men of the Pacific Northwest.  There will be stomping and spitting of blood and obscenities, and there shall be no mercy on the Pinks.  No, let this be the revelation they all thought they were getting next year, the girly little Mayan-worshipping FREAKS!  

Everyone else:  You have a DUTY to SMITE or BE SMITED!  This Universal Tucson curse applies to you, and you can just GET DOWN ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES AND THANK "BOB" THAT IT'S NOT WORSE!  You have – as of now – a Special Dispensation™ against all HORRIBLE SINS you commit in carrying out Our Lady's work.  And if you can't be fucking bothered, well, then the joke will be on YOU!  And we won't even take it out of the big, heavy cans first.

Oh, but I am not here to inspire WRATH without providing a little guidance.  We shall strike against those things and those icons that convince humans that they are mere animals.  From this day forth, the following will not be suffered to exist without "improvement":

Porta-potties.  No human should have to shit in a smelly fucking CLOSET.  USE THE GROUND!  FERTILIZE THE EARTH!  Leave BIG BLUE LAKES all over the fucking place.

Signs.  Signs are THE ENEMY.  I'm not talking about stop signs and other things that keep people from dying in messy ways, here.  I'm taking about NO and KEEP OFF and TRESPASSERS and YOU ARE NOW ENTERING and PARK CLOSED BETWEEN 10PM AND 5AM.

America Legion  These fuckers want to FORCE you to live in a 1950s that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.  There are a MILLION ways to fuck with these people.  YOU be the million and FIRST.

Teabaggers  Do I have to spell this out for you?  To these fuckos, you AREN'T HUMAN if you AREN'T WHITE.  Next OWS day, COUNTER-COUNTER-PROTEST.  Confuse the fuck out of everyone.

The News  Little known fact:  Only 5 broadcasting companies exist in America right now.  NONE OF THEM have internal fact-checking departments anymore.  Neither do almost ANY newspapers.  USE THAT.  Teach those paranoia-inducing fuckwads WHO RUNS THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Parking Meters  "Give me money for the privilege of being able to stop and walk around."

There's more.  OH, YES, THERE'S MORE.  And I don't really have to explain these things, do I?  You all see what's happening.  You all see things get less and less strange every day.  You all see them squeeze every drop of fun out of every fucking daily activity, day by day, week by week, month by month.

You had your fucking chance to KILL ME and thus be able to slobber all over yourself in peace, but you didn't.  You had your chance to seal my tomb with reinforced concrete, but you didn't.  

And now I'm back.

Or Kill Me
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Doktor Howl

#1
October 24, 2011, 08:29:26 PM
oooooo, now you've done it
Molon Lube

Payne

#2
October 24, 2011, 08:31:50 PM

Pope Pixie Pickle

#3
October 24, 2011, 08:34:37 PM
OMG THE RAIN GOD IS BACK!

Freeky

#4
October 24, 2011, 08:35:11 PM
Salutations, Reverend.  

If you all will excuse me, I have some... errands to run.

Jenne

#5
October 24, 2011, 08:35:32 PM
GODDAMMIT.  WHO FORGOT TO REINFORCE TGRR'S TOMB WITH TITANIUM-INFUSED CONCRETE?

Welcome back, TGRR...we heathens have had a lousy time without you.

Payne

#6
October 24, 2011, 08:36:44 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 24, 2011, 08:25:54 PM
From this day forth, the following will not be suffered to exist without "improvement":

Porta-potties.  No human should have to shit in a smelly fucking CLOSET.  USE THE GROUND!  FERTILIZE THE EARTH!  Leave BIG BLUE LAKES all over the fucking place.

Signs.  Signs are THE ENEMY.  I'm not talking about stop signs and other things that keep people from dying in messy ways, here.  I'm taking about NO and KEEP OFF and TRESPASSERS and YOU ARE NOW ENTERING and PARK CLOSED BETWEEN 10PM AND 5AM.

America Legion  These fuckers want to FORCE you to live in a 1950s that NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED.  There are a MILLION ways to fuck with these people.  YOU be the million and FIRST.

Teabaggers  Do I have to spell this out for you?  To these fuckos, you AREN'T HUMAN if you AREN'T WHITE.  Next OWS day, COUNTER-COUNTER-PROTEST.  Confuse the fuck out of everyone.
The News  Little known fact:  Only 5 broadcasting companies exist in America right now.  NONE OF THEM have internal fact-checking departments anymore.  Neither do almost ANY newspapers.  USE THAT.  Teach those paranoia-inducing fuckwads WHO RUNS THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Parking Meters  "Give me money for the privilege of being able to stop and walk around."

There's more.  OH, YES, THERE'S MORE.  And I don't really have to explain these things, do I?  You all see what's happening.  You all see things get less and less strange every day.  You all see them squeeze every drop of fun out of every fucking daily activity, day by day, week by week, month by month.

Flawless

LMNO

#7
October 24, 2011, 08:37:45 PM

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
October 24, 2011, 08:41:58 PM
OH, THOU SINNERS!  YE WHO WALK AROUND MOUTHING THE WORDS, BUT NOT POOMPING THE POOMP!  DO YE NOT KNOW THE MAGNITUDE OF THY SINS?  DO YE NOT UNDERSTAND THE HORROR THAT AWAITH THEE?  DOST THOU NOT COMPREHEND WHAT IT MEANS WHEN I SAY "ALL IS NOW TUCSON"?

Starting NOW, this very moment, look around.  Pay attention.  LOOK FOR THE SIGNS...For thou are now CURSED to see what ye have brought upon THYSELF!

You will notice.  You can't help it.

WALLOW IN THY MISERY, AND KNOW THAT THOU AND THOU ALONE ART RESPONSIBLE!

AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
October 24, 2011, 08:43:10 PM
Quote from: Pixie on October 24, 2011, 08:34:37 PM
OMG THE RAIN GOD IS BACK!

Yes, but that isn't actually "rain".

Oh, no.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#10
October 24, 2011, 08:46:57 PM
There is no reprieve, no mercy, no peace in Tucson, Universal or Real.  The sun will burn the truth into your eyes, and you will reject it, but lo! the truth of Tucson may never be rejected, for the burns upon thine eyes are the unveiling of all hypocrisies, manipulation, and Greydom.

You're all fucked now.  Might as well grab the nearest bottle while you go run your own... errands.

The Good Reverend Roger

#11
October 24, 2011, 08:48:02 PM
Quote from: Science me, babby on October 24, 2011, 08:46:57 PM
There is no reprieve, no mercy, no peace in Tucson, Universal or Real.  The sun will burn the truth into your eyes, and you will reject it, but lo! the truth of Tucson may never be rejected, for the burns upon thine eyes are the unveiling of all hypocrisies, manipulation, and Greydom.

You're all fucked now.  Might as well grab the nearest bottle while you go run your own... errands.

THIS.

ALSO, PAYNE WILL BUILD ME AN AVATAR, FOR MY CRUSTY, DECOMPOSED BODY IS INCOMPLETE.

MAKE IT VILE.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#12
October 24, 2011, 08:48:30 PM
TUCSON RISES.

Nephew Twiddleton

#13
October 24, 2011, 08:49:33 PM
Strange and Terrible Organ Laminator of Yesterday's Heavy Scene
Sentence or sentence fragment pending

Soy El Vaquero Peludo de Oro

TIM AM I, PRIMARY OF THE EXTRA-ATMOSPHERIC SIMIANS

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
October 24, 2011, 08:49:55 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2011, 08:48:30 PM
TUCSON RISES.

You don't know the fucking HALF of it.

Thanks to the miracle of confirmation bias, you all live in Tucson, now.

Even though I've stated that it is confirmation bias, You will all see the horror, whether you choose to or not.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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