Handcuffs

[Doktor Howl]

Horrible bad poetry derail split and moved to:

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php/topic,31969.0.html

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

New version of Handcuffs II. I think it's done? The bit on the right for the aside is still bothering me a little but if I keep poking it right now I'll never finish.

[Ziegejunge]

Thanks for this, LMNO and Q.G.

Self-destruction is, out of necessity, an interest of mine. I've suffered from dermatophagia and dermatillomania since the age of three. I don't think OCD was really defined back then. I doubt it was much in the mainstream if so.

I understand this piece is explicitly not about OCD, but it's hard for me to avoid seeing a few parallels between Akrasia and biting the hell out of my fingers until I'm barely able to perform everyday tasks. It's probably dangerous to conflate the two, despite what appear to be parallels, so I guess this is sort of an ego-driven derail in a way. Apologies if that rankles anyone.

It was around the time I first read the Principia that I had an epiphany: if I did this to anyone else's fingers, I would be locked up in a cell right now. But apparently it's acceptable to do it to my own? It's... odd, watching my coworkers actively ignoring my band-aids, pretending I don't have a problem, because it's a pretty disgusting problem to have and I suppose it's socially easier to just ignore it? If nothing else, I'm grateful said affliction helped me better understand society and the concept of reality tunnels.

And then there's my HMO's primary care provider, who, when I told him I suffer from dermatophagia, replied with a straight face: "That's just Latin for skin eating," as though translating the fucking word for me would make the problem go away. As though I didn't already know it was Latin for skin eating. I'm not sure I've ever wanted to punch a face more than that moment. Nothing like, "oh the DSM-5 might be addressing that soon," or "I know cognitive behavioral therapy is helpful for similar problems. Let me refer you to a therapist." No help, no sympathy. Just a fucking smartest guy in the room explaining my own problem to me in words my presumably stupid brain could understand.

One facet of my personal philosophy is that every human has creative and destructive tendencies, and that sometimes the destructive tendencies are directed outward, and sometimes they are directed inward/self-afflicted. Again, I don't mean to confuse my specific quirk with the bigger picture, despite the parallels. Like the piece says, "I wish there was a conclusion to all of this," but there isn't. There is only considering the implications and doing one's best to integrate one's flaws and foibles into one's life while trying to improve them, trying to get on despite them, trying not to let the self-destruction go too far.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I hope you have medical professionals who are less shitty now, ziegejunge. Have you had any luck with replacement behaviors in the past?

[Junkenstein]

Sorry to note a typo in the first paragraph, "Mfoment".

[Ziegejunge]

Thanks Q.G.

I sort of gave up on my primary doc after that. Finding a new one is near the top of my to-do list. In the meantime, I sought out therapists on my own who would be covered by my HMO and have spent the past few years working with a couple of them. While those experiences were indeed helpful in some aspects -- dealing with the death of my father-in-law after he moved in with us and was placed on hospice care, losing my own dad a year and a half later, and some major on-the-job stressors at the same time...

Yes, there was some help. Unfortunately none of it really seemed to relate much with the OCD behaviors.

My best success with replacement behaviors was prior to therapy, though, and entailed wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it when I caught myself biting. Ultimately that did more to increase awareness with regard to behavioral frequency, and not so much with prevention -- I ended up with LOTS of broken rubber bands and an incredibly sore, perpetually red wrist. I had to give up on that when I came close to breaking the skin on my wrist a few times. Negative reinforcement only goes so far sometimes, and I didn't see the point in developing a surrogate behavior that was comparatively as self-destructive.

I'm always open to new ideas and suggestions, but after almost 35 years of dealing with this I'm not holding my breath expecting a "cure." I do have some strategies for dealing with the behavior and the resulting pain, but to date I have "tried everything," and nothing has really helped as much as I'd hoped it would.

Oddly, I find that when I'm ill -- like, laid up in bed sick -- that I rarely bite. Because I'm human and I like to believe there are reasons for things, I feel like maybe that's a clue, but so far I haven't been able to connect the dots in any kind of meaningful way beyond total crackpot theories involving my immune system playing some sort of esoteric role in the behavior.

Akrasia was not in my vocabulary prior to today, which I find odd since I enjoy vocabulary and it's so apropos. Just a reminder that we're always, constantly learning new things which give us new insight and perspective. I remember how life changing it was just to learn the word "dermatophagia" -- to know that there was a word for this gave me some power over it. Knowing that it was a kind of OCD and not just a "bad habit" like my folks always labeled it realigned my psyche in incredibly positive ways, even if it didn't help prevent the behavior itself. Grabbing "that little fucker by the neck," as the piece says, seems like a vital first step to me, even if there doesn't seem to be a "conclusion to all this" at this point in time.

[LMNO]

After all that this is gonna sound petty, but the kerning on the right half of the page is making me twitch.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

After all that this is gonna sound petty, but the kerning on the right half of the page is making me twitch.

That's always the concern with justify. Are there some specific points bothering you I can try to clean up manually, or should I just switch the alignment?

[LMNO]

The thing that's jumping out the most is the "It's not something that doesn't think..." line roughly halfway down.

But if it's a pain in the ass, I get it.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Kerning's better in this version, but I mangled a bunch of your words to make it happen.

[LMNO]

  Nah, that's decent editing. Thanks for the upgrade!

[Ziegejunge]

After all that this is gonna sound petty, but the kerning on the right half of the page is making me twitch.

Whatever helps get the message across! It's a beautiful reminder for me; it may be a total epiphany for someone else!

[Meunster]

Ziegejunge, really well said. I can relate imenssenly. Wish I  could give some advice,  but you seem to be taking the best course of action.  Best wishes hope you find something  that helps.