The Amazing Inventions of Samuel Richter (1890-1993)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Notes on the devices left in storage by Samuel Richter (1890-1993), examined with the permission of "Mad Dog" Richter, his grandson.
 
Of particular interest was the 1910 "Steam-Powered, Gear Driven Obstretician", which was described as "A device to remove human error from childbirth."  From the test notes left, it seems that the machine was singularly effective in delivering a baby, with the sole and unfortunate side effect of the death of the mother and child.  One one gruesome test, the main drive cog slipped, and the baby was delivered orally.  The machine was destroyed by the grieving family members of the deceased, alongside members of the Union of Midwives.

Next was a device Samuel Richter designed in 1980, "A Device to Help Prevent Inebriated Driving".  Using early breathalyzer technology, the driver of the vehicle would blow into a tube.  If his blood/alcohol level exceeded .1, a 3 foot steel rod erupted from the steering column, skewering the driver through the skull.  A small flag would then drop out of the end of the tube (presumable on the other side of the driver's head), reading "I AM A DUI!  WITNESS MY SHAME!"  It was, unfortunately, rejected by the Reagan Administration as "too soft on crime", and only 5 models were sold, 3 to the Russian KGB organization, and 2 to the music band Aerosmith.

Following that, was Samuel Richter's 1975 "Smoking Cessation Device".  Resembling the 1960s "cigarette load" prank device, it was meant to be inserted into the end of a cigarette.  Once the cigarette heated the device, it released a gram of potassium cyanide.  Although ultimately rejected by the Food & Drug Administration, it boasted a 100% success rate in testing, with not one test subject ever smoking again.

In further installments, we will examine the rest of this amazing collection.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

This explains quite a bit about our friend Richter.

It's genetic.

[LMNO]

1968: Develops "non-local hydrolyzer" in the wake of the Monterey Pop Festival.  Using the "new discoveries" of 1937-era particle physics, Samuel found a way to force 'those dirty hippies to get over it already and finally take a bath'.  He found a way to create a stable "quantum tunneling" effect to deliver a solution of water and an old family soap recipe to the target without direct interaction.  However, during his first major field test, he inverted the proportion of glycerol to lye, causing terrible burns to the dozens of unsuspecting test subjects.  Though he claimed to be 'more satisfied with the results than intended', he was unable to convince his investors to aid him in continued experiments.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

1939:  "A Perfection of the Aircraft Arrestor Wire System on Aircraft Carriers" was rejected by the Department of the Navy, based on the incidence of plane/pilot loss, and the addition weight imposed by 30,000 cinder blocks.  Retitled "An Aviation Teaching Tool Using Negative Reinforcement", the project was again rejected by the US Navy, but 3 orders were placed by the British Navy, who felt that their Swordfish Pilots had it too easy.  Samuel was vindicated, when the cinderblocks fell off of one British carrier, accidentally crushing and sinking the German U-302.  It was then advertised as an anti-submersible device, with suprisingly little success, given it's 100% success rate.

[Elder Iptuous]

 
hehe.  that was a good one!
i've been trying to recall a device that i saw attributed to this fellow, but i'm having difficulty.

[LMNO]

Frustrated by escalating traffic jams in and around the Los Angeles highway system, and fascinated by the new Hot Wheels "Supercharger" technology that emerged in 1970, Samuel had by 1974 developed a prototype of his infamous "no-merge on ramp".  Vehicles entering the "Velocity Delta Enhancer" waystation would reach the prevailing traffic speed almost immediately, eliminating both long merge lines, and the need for extended lengths of excess road.  But disaster struck when, while testing his theory of "double charging" with two serial V.D.E.s, his assistant accidentally reversed the direction of the second waystation during preliminary testing, which resulted in the retroactive creation of the San Andreas Fault, and his subsequent banishing from anywhere West of 115 degrees longitude.

[LMNO]

1928: Publishes the definitive statistical analysis of global markets as derived from stochastic process of non-indigenous fauna as found in the gulf states, naturally titled Taking Stock of Nutria: Down and Dirty.  Though the print run was small, it managed to be passed around the upper echelons of Wall Street.  The alarming predictions cause a massive sell off of stock, and the rest, as they say, is history.

[Elder Iptuous]

It was, i believe, in the mid 80's that i saw a late night informercial for the all-purpose hygiene device which was attributed to the elder Richter.  It promised to revolutionize the way we maintain ourselves by allowing a single device with multiple attachment heads to brush teeth, clean contacts in situ, remove ear hair, trim nails, exfoliate heels, etc.
Now i'm not one to be suckered into snake oil and this product was impressive. I was nearly about to buy this fabulous device, but decided to hold off when a coworker who had bought one tried to brush his teeth, bleary eyed in the morning, without noticing that he still had the high speed scrotum shaving head attached from his shower the previous night.  The massive gum damage that he endured convinced me that i may lack the requisite attention to wield such a powerful device.
Now that i am mature enough to handle it, i cannot seem to locate one.  in fact, it appears to have been completely expunged from history somehow.  it would take a truly oppressive and potent force to achieve that, i'm guessing.  probably the same folks that are hushing up the over unity devices...

[Richter]

In grandad's memory, I have to annotate a few of these.

Of particular interest was the 1910 "Steam-Powered, Gear Driven Obstretician", which was described as "A device to remove human error from childbirth."  From the test notes left, it seems that the machine was singularly effective in delivering a baby, with the sole and unfortunate side effect of the death of the mother and child.  One one gruesome test, the main drive cog slipped, and the baby was delivered orally.  The machine was destroyed by the grieving family members of the deceased, alongside members of the Union of Midwives.

He HATED Ludites to his death, mentioning this as justification for his prejudice.
Cousin Dave once asked him if this meant he appreciated Ayn Rand's views of not letting an idiot majority stifle the creative individual.  Grandad dragged him out back to "demonstrate" his straw man maker to cousin Dave as a rebuttal. 

The tragic accident that then claimed Dave's toenails, leaving him forever shamed, was his own damned fault.

[Richter]

Following that, was Samuel Richter's 1975 "Smoking Cessation Device".  Resembling the 1960s "cigarette load" prank device, it was meant to be inserted into the end of a cigarette.  Once the cigarette heated the device, it released a gram of potassium cyanide.  Although ultimately rejected by the Food & Drug Administration, it boasted a 100% success rate in testing, with not one test subject ever smoking again.

Our family motto is basically Latin for.  "Don't fucking bug me if collateral damage is a concern."

Next was a device Samuel Richter designed in 1980, "A Device to Help Prevent Inebriated Driving".  Using early breathalyzer technology, the driver of the vehicle would blow into a tube.  If his blood/alcohol level exceeded .1, a 3 foot steel rod erupted from the steering column, skewering the driver through the skull.  A small flag would then drop out of the end of the tube (presumable on the other side of the driver's head), reading "I AM A DUI!  WITNESS MY SHAME!"  It was, unfortunately, rejected by the Reagan Administration as "too soft on crime", and only 5 models were sold, 3 to the Russian KGB organization, and 2 to the music band Aerosmith.

There was one unofficial sale to an Apartheid supporter in South Africa.  He installed it upside down though, and published a complaint.  Grandad sued for defamation of character.

"IF they want steel rods up their ass, they've only got themselves to blame!"

[Richter]

Grandad jumped the "hysteria" treatment bandwagon and patented three separate and unique devices.

All but one were re purposed as construction equipment.  This last one became the early prototype of the "Salad Shooter"

[The Good Reverend Roger]

1972:  Samuel Richter invents a device that actually allows living people to converse with the dead.  Unfortunately, before he patented it, it was destroyed by an berserk mob of preachers and life insurance adjustors. 

[Richter]

1972:  Samuel Richter invents a device that actually allows living people to converse with the dead.  Unfortunately, before he patented it, it was destroyed by an berserk mob of preachers and life insurance adjustors.

Jacky Kennedy- Onasis was part of the mob too, wielding a rabit porcupine and a framing hammer