Be an American!

[Oysters Rockefeller]

   Attention, Citizens!

   There has been some confusion over what being an "American" means as of late. Some people would argue that simply being born in The United States of America makes you an "American." Others might tell you that the borders that define The US of A are entirely imaginary, and the concept of being an "American" is superfluous to say the least.

   None of those people are "Americans."

   See, an "American" is a patriot. And a patriot is somebody who does what's best for their country, regardless of how it might seem or sound. An "American" supports big corporations, because if they were really doing anything bad, they wouldn't be in business. A real "American" supports the troops, which means supporting the war on terror.

   Some people might argue that sending soldiers to die is actually not very supportive of them, but those people don't know what soldiers want and they sure aren't "Americans."

   We (also known as "They", as in "You know They always say..." or "That's just what They want you to do...") understand how this might be confusing, so we've compiled a handy hit bullet list so as to acclimate you to the system in as painlessly as possible.

   * You must belong to one of the established judeo-christian religions
   * No hooligans
   * No vegetarians
   * No liberals
   * No independents
   * No progressives
   * No dark skinned folk.
   * You must enjoy some form of country music.
   * You must be a "good ole' boy." Somehow, you can also be a billionaire capitalist.
   * I noticed you were thinking this sounds a little crazy. We didn't tell you to think that. Quit thinking for yourself.
   * You must support any push for war, regardless of how ludicrous it might seem.
   * You must suggest we bomb, nuke, invade, etc. any country that isn't primarily Caucasian. Just tell 'em they were beyond saving.
   * Seriously, quit thinking for yourself.
   * No feminists! Homes are run by MEN.
   * You must insist that we should go back to a simpler time. Don't mention that those were the same times when schools had nuclear bomb drills.
   * No fags.
   * No fatties.

   Anybody who disagrees is a socialist. Why do you want to murder our children?!

              Stop child murder. Be an American.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Fuck this noise. America is two rather large continents, and the jingoists of one failing economic giant near the north end doesn't get a cultural monopoly on the term.

[Doktor Howl]

Fuck this noise. America is two rather large continents, and the jingoists of one failing economic giant near the north end doesn't get a cultural monopoly on the term.

Why do you all hate America, Nigel?  You're all communists and each and every one of you Nigels hates job creators that just want to make sure everyone's at work.  Those other countries don't count; they're 30 feet across and they grow drugs for us.  THAT isn't America.  America is NASCAR, Southern Baptists, and making sure Those People don't move into the neighborhood.  America is a nice cold beer-like product on a hot Sunday afternoon.  America is tobacco farms and all the trans-fats you can jam in your face at the drive through.  America is dog-eat-dog, and the devil take the hindmost, because the free market will save us all. 

You People just don't know what's best for you.  Thank God for Rick Santorum and Sarah Palin.  If it wasn't for them, this country would have gone down the tubes years ago.

I'd like everyone to just take a moment and reflect on how lucky they are to live in America, and for the foriegners on the board to think about how lucky THEY are to have America watching over them so they don't do it wrong.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

Hahaha...yeah.

I've been seeing a lot of "Stand up for America! Be an American!" bumperstickers lately. It's fuckin' ridiculous. They even have a waving red white and blue background.

Brainwashing at it's finest ladies and gentlemen. When you'll fight tooth and nail for other people's ability to control your life.

Ah, what am I thinking. Most of these folks are too busy eating fried butter to fight tooth and nail for anything.

[Freeky]

I puked a little reading that.

[Oysters Rockefeller]

I puked a little reading that.

That's how you know you're still sane.

Or sane-ish.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

   
   * No fatties.

O RLLY?

[Oysters Rockefeller]

 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Fuck this noise. America is two rather large continents, and the jingoists of one failing economic giant near the north end doesn't get a cultural monopoly on the term.

Why do you all hate America, Nigel?  You're all communists and each and every one of you Nigels hates job creators that just want to make sure everyone's at work.  Those other countries don't count; they're 30 feet across and they grow drugs for us.  THAT isn't America.  America is NASCAR, Southern Baptists, and making sure Those People don't move into the neighborhood.  America is a nice cold beer-like product on a hot Sunday afternoon.  America is tobacco farms and all the trans-fats you can jam in your face at the drive through.  America is dog-eat-dog, and the devil take the hindmost, because the free market will save us all. 

You People just don't know what's best for you.  Thank God for Rick Santorum and Sarah Palin.  If it wasn't for them, this country would have gone down the tubes years ago.

I'd like everyone to just take a moment and reflect on how lucky they are to live in America, and for the foriegners on the board to think about how lucky THEY are to have America watching over them so they don't do it wrong.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT?

THANKS TO THE NIGELING OF AMERICA, WHICH THE MEDIA OFTEN ERRONEOUSLY REFERS TO AS THE "BROWNING" OF AMERICA BECAUSE IT MISTAKES US FOR MEXICANS, WE ARE GOING TO OUTNUMBER THOSE FUCKERS SOON ENOUGH.



And then we will absorb them like a parasitic twin.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

"THE NIGELING OF AMERICA" needs to be a meme. Srs.

[Doktor Howl]

And then we will absorb them like a parasitic twin.

That sounds like abortion.  Sort of.

They should arrest the surviving twin when it's born.