Answering math problems in short-story form

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

3. In the following situations, give a practical interpretation in words of the function described.

a. f(h(t)), where A = f(r) is the area of a circle of radius r and r = h(t) is the radius of the circle at time t .

I am walking along minding my own business, when suddenly, strange beings appear from nowhere. "We're from Cerberus," they say, "And we need to store this transdimensional portal here for a while. Bye!" and then they shout something nonsensical and disappear. But they've left behind a medium-sized glowing circle on the ground. It's pretty much the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life, and even as the hair rises on the back of my neck, I can't take my eyes off it. I don't know how long I stared at it before I notice that it's growing. Apparently the radius of the circle increases as a function of the passage of time. Suddenly I remember what they'd shouted... "f(h(t)), where A = f(r) is the area of a circle of radius r and r = h(t) is the radius of the circle at time t", and I realized what it meant... the open circular area of the portal is a function of the radius which is a function of the passage of time... and I knew that unless those guys came back real soon, the Earth was doomed.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

   You should write text books for this stuff. Screw that train shit.

[Don Coyote]

HOLY FUCK!!!!!

STOP DISTRACTING ME!!!!!!

NOW I WANT TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BUT VARIABLES>>>>>>>

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

3b. k(g(t)), where L = f(r) is the length of a steel bar at temperature H and H = g(t) is the temperature at time t.

I'm not exactly sure why... I think it might have something to do with the portal... but I'm sitting, strapped to a chair, and in front of me is a contraption holding a horizontal metal bar. One end of the metal bar is a bare millimeter, at most, from a wire that is connected to a large bundle of... something. Something sinister. Something dangerous. As I watch, there is a sharp click and a spark jumps beneath the metal bar. A ribbon of flame flicks to life and beneath the flame, a small timer, counting down. Transfixed, I try  to reason what purpose there could be to what I'm seeing, and then it comes to me... just as the area of the portal was dependent on the radius, which was dependent on the amount of time that had passed, the length of the metal bar depends on its temperature, which in turn depends on how much time elapses after the flame has turned on!

And then the rod, having expanded, touched the wire.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

HOLY FUCK!!!!!

STOP DISTRACTING ME!!!!!!

NOW I WANT TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BUT VARIABLES>>>>>>>

IT'S VARIABLES ALL THE WAY DOWN.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

3c. R(Y(q)), where R gives a farmer's revenue as a function of corn yield per acre, and Y gives the corn yield as a function of the quantity, q, of fertilizer.

Farmer Gabriella is contemplating her fields, wondering how much she should spend on fertilizer this year. Fertilizer is expensive, but the corn yield is better when you spread more fertilizer, and a better yield means more corn to sell and more money to put toward expanding her sustainable farming practice, and her dream of ditching corn altogether and growing diversified organic crops year-round to supply the growing locavore restaurant trend in Portland.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

3d. t(f(H)), where the t(v) is the time of a trip at velocity v and v = f(H) is velocity at temperature H.

Wut wut, I'm a Viking! My ship is impressive, but kind of smelly because none of us have bathed in a while, as it's winter and the water is icy cold, if not just plain ice. Plus we're all wearing fur and I don't know about you, but man I sweat in that stuff. We're returning to the Orkneys after irritating the King of Norway with a coastal raid, and I can hardly wait to get home to a hot fire and the root concoction my wife, Fnryryrrlfg, makes to kill the lice. My body weight is roughly 75% body hair so those suckers really go to town if I can't kill 'em off quickly enough. Trouble is, I have no idea when I'm going to get home, because the channel is freezing over and we'll be rowing through slush, which slows the ship down considerably, depending on how cold it is... the slush gets thicker the colder it gets. I wish it were 2012 so I could just check  my iphone to see what the temperature is, since the time of travel is dependent on  the velocity, and the velocity is dependent on the temperature. Also then I could call Fnryryrrlfg and ask her to please have a bath and a cup of warm milk ready for me when I get home.


Is that racist?

[Don Coyote]

3d. t(f(H)), where the t(v) is the time of a trip at velocity v and v = f(H) is velocity at temperature H.

Wut wut, I'm a Viking! My ship is impressive, but kind of smelly because none of us have bathed in a while, as it's winter and the water is icy cold, if not just plain ice. We're returning to the Orkneys after irritating the King of Norway with a coastal raid, and I can hardly wait to get home to a hot fire and the root concoction my wife, Fnryryrrlfg, makes to kill the lice. My body weight is roughly 75% body hair so those suckers really go to town if I can't kill 'em off quickly enough. Trouble is, I have no idea when I'm going to get home, because the channel is freezing over and we'll be rowing through slush, which slows the ship down considerably, depending on how cold it is... the slush gets thicker the colder it gets. I wish it were 2012 so I could just check  my iphone to see what the temperature is, since the time of travel is dependent on  the velocity, and the velocity is dependent on the temperature. Also then I could call Fnryryrrlfg and ask her to please have a bath and a cup of warm milk ready for me when I get home.


Is that racist?

My distant Danish ancestors say no.

[Don Coyote]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

OMG I'm doing it!

[Don Coyote]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

OMG I'm doing it!

If it doesn't show up in a week or so, just start emailing him more of your functional function stories.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

OMG I'm doing it!

If it doesn't show up in a week or so, just start emailing him more of your functional function stories.

[Don Coyote]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

OMG I'm doing it!

If it doesn't show up in a week or so, just start emailing him more of your functional function stories.

It would give him something other than ALLCAPS HOMIE and the racists to read.

Next phase would be hirley0.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Submit it to "Yo is this racist"

OMG I'm doing it!

If it doesn't show up in a week or so, just start emailing him more of your functional function stories.

It would give him something other than ALLCAPS HOMIE and the racists to read.

Next phase would be hirley0.

FUCK YEAH.

[Aucoq]

3. In the following situations, give a practical interpretation in words of the function described.

a. f(h(t)), where A = f(r) is the area of a circle of radius r and r = h(t) is the radius of the circle at time t .

I am walking along minding my own business, when suddenly, strange beings appear from nowhere. "We're from Cerberus," they say, "And we need to store this transdimensional portal here for a while. Bye!" and then they shout something nonsensical and disappear. But they've left behind a medium-sized glowing circle on the ground. It's pretty much the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life, and even as the hair rises on the back of my neck, I can't take my eyes off it. I don't know how long I stared at it before I notice that it's growing. Apparently the radius of the circle increases as a function of the passage of time. Suddenly I remember what they'd shouted... "f(h(t)), where A = f(r) is the area of a circle of radius r and r = h(t) is the radius of the circle at time t", and I realized what it meant... the open circular area of the portal is a function of the radius which is a function of the passage of time... and I knew that unless those guys came back real soon, the Earth was doomed.

3b. k(g(t)), where L = f(r) is the length of a steel bar at temperature H and H = g(t) is the temperature at time t.

I’m not exactly sure why… I think it might have something to do with the portal… but I’m sitting, strapped to a chair, and in front of me is a contraption holding a horizontal metal bar. One end of the metal bar is a bare millimeter, at most, from a wire that is connected to a large bundle of… something. Something sinister. Something dangerous. As I watch, there is a sharp click and a spark jumps beneath the metal bar. A ribbon of flame flicks to life and beneath the flame, a small timer, counting down. Transfixed, I try  to reason what purpose there could be to what I’m seeing, and then it comes to me… just as the area of the portal was dependent on the radius, which was dependent on the amount of time that had passed, the length of the metal bar depends on its temperature, which in turn depends on how much time elapses after the flame has turned on!

And then the rod, having expanded, touched the wire.

  Math makes my brain hurt, but I love these!